Byyy the way...

I absolutely love people who call each other "betch" or other ridiculous variations of insults turned into some sort of...complimentary nickname??





It just sounds so completely stupid.

On second thought...

for some reason, a fruit roll up also sounds delicious right now.

Right Now

I could really use a half-price appetizer from Applebees.

The thing is

I know I'm negative most of the time :-( I wish I had the time to be with my friends. I forget to be positive when the only thing I do is sit in class or work on homework.

I'm incredibly excited for my job. I hope I found my place :-)

This is Free, Take it, and Feel Better

by Bukowski.

Bad-natured people are everywhere like flies upon a dead horse in a hot summer
they are set upon objects, things, situations
in a rather congenial viciousness
that is most often mistaken for courage
but generally
(setting aside bad companionship, bad diet, bad breeding)
most acrimonious nerves (setting aside bad elimination of wastes and so forth) are caused by
failure.
and they fail
first
because they are simply incompetent at what they try to do or
be
and second
because of an educational system
and a
national philosophy which
beckons them higher than they are
able.
in other words, they are NOT failures
but unrealistic forces and demands make them FEEL to be failures
and so business is good for the
psychiatrists and psychologists
and the jails-and the mental
institutions
(which are only dumping grounds for the overload
like unhappy homes, thieves, skid row and etc.)
there is no such thing as failure, there is only the
comparative grind, there is only the CONCEPT of
failure
and a $175 an hour shrink won't even tell you
this
because
he's been taught by the book
just like his victim.

so take this poem and keep it somewhere for
ready reference

because it might not only save you
money
it might also save your
sad and angry
ass.

18 Days

I'm going to feel SO much better a week from Friday, once I've played my last 3 concerts, conducted the orchestra, finished and recorded my orchestration project, completed all of my homework assignments and presentation/rough draft for my DSP class (the incredibly difficult, yet interesting class), and, of course, my departmental honors project/presentation will be over.

Quite a lot to do in the next 11 Days.


BUT! Then I'll just have a paper, two final exams, and my brass quintet composition to finish. YAYAYAYAYAYAY!

As if I didn't need a reminder...

My peers are douche bags.

19 Days

I really enjoy getting the lint off the lint filter when I do laundry :-)

LATE

I'm always LATE. It doesn't matter that I have two alarms - they don't even wake me up, even though they're loud enough to be heard down the hallway.

My teacher told me to get a friend to knock on my door.

FAT CHANCE BECAUSE I HAVE NONE AND LIVE ALONE.



I know it's unacceptable. I know that she's going to dock my grade for it. I know it's my own fault. I don't want to get a bad grade because I can't get up for class in the morning, but I don't want to get an alright grade because my teacher pities me.


How am I going to survive in the real world if I can't function?



Everything keeps reminding me how mediocre I've become.

When you try too hard

to be the best of everything, you become the best of nothing.

no lunch

So I worked on my paper, composition, and various other things all morning and never got around to getting lunch. Too bad I'm in class from now 'til 8:30 PM and can't eat dinner 'til then.

Two weeks

I've been working so hard for so long and it seems like it's never enough.

I need an extra 24 hours a day to get everything done.

I'm tired of being behind no matter how many hours I put into everything. Every single hour of today is booked, and I can't find time to eat dinner.

Two weeks 'til classes end and finals begin.

23 Days

I'm going to feel MUCH better when this honors paper/presentation are finished.

GUESS WHAT

I AM OFFICIALLY DRIVING ACROSS THE COUNTRY IN 28 DAYS AND I LOVE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11

I HAVE A CAREER

And even though it's probably going to be the hardest thing I've ever done...


it's going to be amazing.




Thank you.
24 Days.

ARGH

I have lost all patience for people here. And I'm not handling it well.

Instead of being reasonable, I get bitchy.

And

it's 2 AM and I haven't started working on my composition yet. How many more days of just barely getting 4 hours of sleep can I pull off?

What's the use

When you're only a waste and a fool anyway.

I deserve what I get.

During the last year

I stopped believing in the system I used to trust. The Goodness of People.

32 Days

Idon'twanttogotograduationbecauseIdon'thaveasmanyaccomplishmentsasotherpeople.

Gonna make it

Just get to the end of the week. And then get through the next 100 years of life ;-)

Typical Monday

8 AM - work at library (finish reading assignment for class if time)
9 class
10 dry cleaners, post office, library to print hw, finish rehearsal plan
11:30 quick lunch
noon choir
12:30 rehearsal w/ guitar
followed by violin practice til...
2:30 - violin lesson
3 class
4 theater meeting - mandatory!
5 quick dinner
work on research paper 'til...
7 orchestra (have plan finished!)
9 extra small group music rehearsal
followed by individual practice until...
approx. 11 - FIND A WAY TO FINISH PAPER then work on composition 'til pass out from exhaustion at...1:30 or 2 AM

Tuesday - wake up at 7 AM and work on hw 'til class at 9.
etc.

The whole time

I work on my dept. honors research - Teaching Music to Students with Autism - all I can think is that I don't want my kids to face these difficulties.

Something more...

Previously unknown fact: I refuse to repeat blog titles.


Today someone casually told me to have fun playing my recital next week.

HAH! Have fun! The crazy thing is that such a thing hasn't crossed my mind in...months? I SHOULD have fun playing. Why doesn't that happen anymore?

My Secret

is that I think mean thoughts about the people around me.

I want to go back to the positive, open, unjudgemental person I used to be.

I need you to be able to talk to me. If you can't, none of it matters.

pretty please

Just a little...




Wish I had the comfort of a little more security. A little more confidence. Less weepy.

I wonder...

For being the most difficult and time consuming class I've taken that's unrelated to my major, it's certainly pretty interesting...

I keep wondering - if I was growing up in Communist Russia or China in the 1940sish...would I be communist?

I think I would buy into it, at least in China. I'm idealistic enough and would love the thought of equality. Though, I like to think I'd change once I saw that it wasn't working. You know, along the lines of Nemeth from Hungary. But he wasn't really Communist in the end.

?

It's hard to tell which I miss more right now...NYC and Broadway, or going to a DMB show.










At least I've got this strange Reggae CD from the library. Boom-Shak-A-Lak.

Thoughts

Getting wasted is disgusting. Drinking for 13+ hours straight is disgusting. Ignoring one's "best friend" for an entire day to go out drinking (for the entire day) is likewise disgusting. I wish my peers could define a "good time" as something they could remember at the end of the day. Whatever happened to good conversation and going out to find new experiences?

Screw this.


I'm overwhelmed when I look at the list of things I need to do before I graduate. I'm constantly exhausted. I'm never good ENOUGH. I'm frustrated. There's never enough time, even when I spend 20 hours a day completely focused and working on things. Even when my school has a random day off from classes so everyone can play on inflatables set up in the quad and the closest I go to any of these activities is watching them from my computer in my room on a live camera feed off the internet. My room's a mess, my weekend is packed with work, my family is a wreck, I'm bitter towards EVERYONE and EVERYTHING and even my random thoughts are full of meanness.

I'm desperate to be understood.

I'm desperate to have a future.

oh no

...Not my birthday :-(

I wish

I had someone to hang out with today. Eating alone at a picnic is just plain worse than eating alone in the dining hall.





But...I was productive. And I will continue to be productive tonight.

I've Got

Such a short amount of time for everything.

There's a man

...outside down the street standing on the sidewalk on a small bridge. He waves at every single car that goes by and smiles. He's been there at LEAST an hour, because I've driven by him several times this morning.

He looks elderly. When there are no cars, he looks off the bridge down onto the stream underneath.

I wanted to stop and see if he was OK. Could he have dementia and be lost? Or is he just a nice old man who likes to do small things to cheer up strangers?



In any case, he's worth pondering.

Happy April :-)

I'm about to start my last college break feeling the best I can: I know what I need to do for the next few months, and I know how to do it.

It's certainly not going to be easy...but I can do it.

Especially with a little help from my friends :-)

Made it through the day

I want to be so much more than I am.