I hate

this situation.

On the Other Hand...

I just want to come home at the end of the day and sit next to you in bed and laugh about our days and dream of the possibilities.


I'm not going to change my mind about you. I KNOW that we've got something special and GREAT. And I'm OK if you don't know that right now. Because I've got faith that you're going to figure it out sooner or later.


That's the only possibility that I can believe in: losing you is not an option.

On One Hand...

I feel more confident about school than I have...since school STARTED this year. I'm back to my old sleeping habits (aka...up late doing work, but working HARD and creatively), which signals to me that I'm doing better mental-healthwise. I'm no longer sleeping 10 hours a day only to feel EXHAUSTED. I'm getting...5 hours of sleep, but I feel spunky :-)

I put the sheets on my bed this weekend for the first time in 2 weeks. I hung up my laundry for the first time in weeks (I'd been leaving clean clothes in piles to get wrinkly...but I couldn't bring myself to pick it up). I've got an objective for MYSELF, not just my lesson plans. I'm going to make it to next semester: only 36 days left. Which is NOTHING.

I've finally answered e-mails, returned phone calls from home. I feel a little happier while making up lessons. I'm reading books on how to improve my conducting...keeping lists of future notes...writing on sticky notes...

The strange thing...is that this turning point came as soon as my boss gave me positive feedback. I just needed a little..now I can forget about the negative comments. I'm not proud to admit that one little comment and a smile completely changed my attitude and state of mental health...but I think it did.

Toss and turn

all night long.

Please sooth my restless soul.

The truth is

that I care more about you today than any of the yesterdays.

Sometimes when I get scared, I pretend I'm holding your hand and I can almost feel it in mine.

My dreams were too big for the two of us. And that's the biggest truth of all.

Why

...exactly four months ago, did you write down that I looked nice?

Oh dear

How can I keep this up any longer? I'm doing my best...

If I'm going to keep being here...I need all the strength I can muster.

I know there's no hope for me.




The loneliest feeling is the knowledge that I've been standing here for so long with my arms outstretched for the person who will never come.

I think this is an important thought I had.

You know, I don't think the term "love" even applies to anything between you and I anymore? Because what you are to me...is my partner in crime (theoretically :-p), my partner on adventures (esp. concerts and driving across the country), and my partner in understanding life and facing the ups and downs that we go through every day. And really, you know, that's the most important kind of person there is, because without that we'd probably be more lost and confused than we already are! And so I hope you don't mind that's what you are to me, even though it may be temporary, and even though it might not be the best circumstances, and even though we argue and don't always get each other. Because we still always will be two different people. We're just two different people with the same goal - to get through it happily, and to help our friend get through happily too, however that may be.

Sundays

...are always a bit wistful.

I wish we could have found a way to fit together.

Screw

...YOU college. For being complete *#@*)@%) to the students you CLAIM to care about and want to teach.


Ridiculous.


I can't stand the ignorance out here. I can't STAND it.


I DON'T want to live in a society where this is accepted!


I'm fuming right now.


In addition to that, I'm at a loss for words regarding our situation. I don't know what to think or feel anymore. Plus, I'm starting to think something is seriously wrong with my hand.


I'm not OK with what just happened.

No.

Unacceptable. No no no no no. You told me you'd be here the whole time. You already canceled on me twice. YOU TOLD ME you'd be here. Quit taking me for a fool - quit changing things on me - quit making me feel unworthy of even a stupid 2 hour drive. One visit in six months is NOT enough for a "best friend." It's not enough! I deserve more than that!

This is ridiculous. Completely freaking ridiculous. Have I not made myself clear? Have I not told you how important this is to me? Have I not told you how disappointed I've been in the past? YOU COMMITTED TO COME! FOR THE THIRD TIME! YOU picked the date. YOU picked it. I didn't ask you to come up - YOU told me you were. QUIT BRINGING ME DOWN. Quit taking it back! LEARN TO COMMIT TO SOMETHING BECAUSE IT'S NOT FAIR TO OTHERS WHEN YOU BACK OUT AGAIN AND AGAIN!

If that's the best you can do for me, then forget it.

The Truth Hit

...when the nurse told me I'd probably need someone to help me put the bandage back on.

Woah

Just signed on to check my horoscope before bed. As I was clicking my way to my fav website, I hit the wrong link and ended up on the description section of my sign. I briefly looked at the character traits associated with it (enthusiastic, charismatic, etc...), and immediately felt unhappy with myself. I used to think of myself as someone who embodied those traits. Now I mostly just feel like I never fully succeed at what I'm doing.

So I clicked on my actual horoscope for today (Friday), and laughed at the very first words it says - "Be confident: it would be absurd and even dangerous to worry about unhappy events which will probably never take place!"

My horoscope knows me better than I know myself sometimes.

I'm gonna go in there...

and be ME!!!! Look out, co-ops. I'm back!!

Trying something new...well...

old...well, mostly just trying to remember something I've forgotten: optimism.

My horoscope reminded me that such a thing used to exist, used to be pretty darn THERE every day of my life.

It's pretty shocking that I let it disappear so completely, when it used to be so completely ME.

I'm gonna get it back. I'm going to remember how excited I was at the very beginning of this experience.

I'm gonna get my groove back. Yeahhhhhhh.


:-p

Well...

according to my dept. I seem to suck lately. Shame on me. I just hope every day that I get out of this with my enthusiasm and love for education intact.

The Big Question.

As a friend so correctly put it...it's hard to tell whether it's the PLACE or if it's the MAJOR. Would I be this miserable anywhere, because I'm not meant for the subject? Or could I find happiness in a place that's not HERE?

It's a relief to know that someone else feels as unreasonably miserable as I do around here, in any case.

I'm feeling a little more able to survive this next week.

Thank you for the encouragement and belief.

(Past) Time for bed. Night all.



And I can't help but feel lonely knowing that our thoughts don't align. I may have been able to give up the hope, but I certainly haven't given up the need.

Fatigue?

I wish I weren't so tired all the time. On weekends, I'm only actively awake for about 5 hours a day - the rest of the day I'm sleeping. I went to bed at 7 PM on Friday and slept until about 11 on Saturday. Then I ate lunch, took a nap, watched a movie, took a nap, did some work, went to sleep. Today I had a lesson and went shopping, took a nap, and now I'm going to dinner, but I feel like I need another nap even though I just woke up.

I want my energy back!

A film

Just watched a film about two people who met after 9 years of no communication.

They have about an hour and a half to catch up before they have to leave and resume their regular lives again.

Several circumstances prevented them being together in the past...and now that they've reunited, their responsibilities in life seem to promise that they won't be together in the future either.

Mostly...it is revealed that they never forgot one another and that they regret that they let the years pass between them like they did. One of them said that when they were young, it seemed like there were so many possibilities of people to connect with that they couldn't believe they wouldn't get another connection just as good down the road, so they didn't value what they had as much as they should have, so they didn't try harder to find one another.

The other commented that maybe if they had spent more time together in the past, the time would have caused them to fall apart anyway, and it was just the magic of the moment that made it seem so great.

Were we destined to fall apart?

Or will we look back and regret that we lost one of the most important connections in our lives because we couldn't figure out how to be together?

Couldn't sleep

Tossed and turned...nightmares :-(

I'm glad it's Friday, and I'm sad it's Friday.

Why did you tell me you two were over, that you'd be there for me, when you weren't? Why did you tell me that you had changed, when you hadn't? Why did you say you'd come up and surprise me when you wouldn't? Why did you say you'd send it, when it's been over a month and you haven't? Why did you say you'd come...and you're not?

Why do you build me up, just to let me down?

How can I believe that you're going to be on the trip with me? How can I believe you when you say you care, or that you'll be there 'til we're old?

When you don't do what you say you will, I can't trust you.

I know you don't feel well, that you think it's just an isolated incident that I'm exaggerating...it doesn't feel that way to me. It feels like all the big things end this way.

Take a look through my eyes

I wish I could be more understanding.

I suppose that two things have often prevented me from telling you how important certain aspects of our relationship are. These two things are pride and fear - pride because I aim to be a strong person, and I tend to feel that admitting how important you are limits my independence and prevents me from being that person. Fear because I'm constantly afraid of being shown that you are infinitely more important to me than I am to you.

I want you to be as proud of me as I am of you. I want to share MY important things with you.

Though I may have never spelled this out, I always hoped you'd be at those moments that are important to me. This has included everything from listening to the old radio show, being at performances or the opening night of shows, physically being around when things are rough up here, reading or looking up a book or song I recommend...a lot is encompassed under that. I know that going to everything is never possible...but I often hoped to look out in the audience and see you. I used to come early to woodwinds to watch you play...and I secretly hoped you'd stay to watch me. When inviting you along to attend other events or concerts/recitals WITH me...it was never arbitrary. It was me saying, 'this is important to me and will probably be a really cool experience and I'm asking you to share it with me.' If anything, I might have reacted to your absence by picking a fight about something unrelated. Not proud of that, but in retrospect, it's what I did.

There have been many, many times in which I haven't communicated well. I'll admit that. Here I am trying to change that. I'd be lying if I didn't say I was let down that spring and winter break. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't disappointed every time I couldn't find you in the audience. Or if I pretended I didn't miss you when you didn't visit two weeks ago. Or if I didn't reveal that I still check my mail every day hoping to find those CDs or wish deep down that one day you'd show up at my door as a surprise.

I know I need to see how unrealistic I am...but it's hard to change how I feel. I guess I allowed our relationship to take on too much importance and meaning in my life. I continue to ignore warning signs with blind stupidity that indicate there's just no way we could ever make this work.

I know my expectations are disgustingly too high, and I'd like to be able to say I'll simply lower them and we'll be fine, but I know I can't do that - it's just too much of who I am. If we ever found a way to stay friends 'til we're 120, I'll still be hoping to see you at my pineapple growing competition awards ceremony.

It all comes down to my hope that you'll want to share all of this with me - your thoughts and opinions are of incredible value to me.

And maybe it all comes down to humanity's desire to avoid loneliness and find companionship.



In other news, I slipped down a flight of wet stairs in the music building. Fell on my wrist pretty hard - hurts to type, can't move my wrist or thumb very well. Couldn't practice :-( I hope it gets better soon.

Why do I do this to us? Why can't I let us forget the pain?


...And my horoscope does it again: Don't exhaust yourself pursuing a perfection which only exists in your mind.

Day 1...

done. Day 2? Still new...



Here we go. Almost there. I'll be OK.

I don't know.

I can't live with myself this way. I KNOW what I'm doing while I do it...but I can't stop myself - I'm paralyzed in the emotion.

Is this nothing?? Will it pass? Or is something really wrong?

This isn't me. I CAN'T be this ugly of a person. I won't LET myself be this ugly of a person...but I am.

It feels like night and day, but comes on as fast as a light switch.

It's like I'm watching someone else on TV.

Forgive me :-(

Why is it...

...so difficult for me to NOT sign up for things? I wish I had the time to take charge of this project...but my conscious is telling me it's a bad idea :-(


I hope I find a job next year.

Alright Day??

YES! Who knew??? This day went OK!!! (well...it's only half way over, but so what :-p)

Could it be the green grass covered with fiery leaves that melt into the ever-so-blue sky??

Could it be that I actually accomplished something in middle school band and successfully avoided my co-ops so that they couldn't tell me I suck???

Could it be that I am TOTALLY altering my keyboard class schedule so my kids can play music they actually like???

...actually...it's MOST likely because I finally understand what's been going on with the inner workings of my brain over the past few weeks. While I might not be content with the way things are or exactly how I am these days, knowing WHY I've felt like I'm spinning out of control and understanding why I'm making life into a small chunk of hell for those I care about is, well, empowering in a way. And if I'm stable...maybe I can have a good weekend!!! :-D



...or maybe it's this 3 lb bag of M&Ms hidden in my candy drawer...

HAH!

And so it goes...

Without a word, a decision has been made and we've been relieved of trying to fool ourselves into thinking that we're something we're not.

Tonight I'll finish cleaning for the visitor who'll never come, then retreat back into my dreams where I've been living the past few months.

I'd like to take back the anger, the sadness, the fear, the pain...who knew what would come of two people holding on to each other one spring night?

Listen up.

I spent the entire car ride home in turmoil trying to decide WHAT to do about how I feel. I felt awful, I felt sick, my brain was spinning just trying to think about the situation.

You know what?

I'm done with this grey crap. I'm done trying to ACCEPT the past year and a half. That's all I used to tell myself every day - "just accept it, it's the only way you can make it through this."

I don't WANT to accept it. That's not how I work. I disagree with what you think, I disagree with how you feel, I disagree with what's going on right now, and I disagree with how we're handling it.

I'm not going to accept ANYTHING anymore. I know how I feel. I know what I think. And you know what? It's NOT grey - it CAN'T be grey. It's black or white, and I know what color I've picked. I'm painting over the grey.

You can pick whichever color you want. You can be with me or without me. You can have me or you can forget me. I don't think the past year and a half has been in vain. I don't think the past year and a half was a mistake. I don't think my emotions lied to me, I don't think my emotions were fake. I wouldn't have been here this long if I didn't believe in US. In what you and I are TOGETHER. I won't settle for second best.

You say you know me - well, you certainly know the worst of me, and I often wish you didn't. I can't change that, but I can stand up for what I believe in. I'm just wondering if you'll come along. If not, I will go alone.

Until further notice, I'm officially on strike.

Drifting through the day

At least I know it's not all my fault that teaching has become such a terrible experience.

Maybe my generation has been raised too ignorantly. While we know that prejudice exists, we pretend that it doesn't apply to us. We've been taught that the fights were already won, that today's world, today's youth, are impacted more by video games and TV shows than personal shortsightedness. And I forget that the fights were so recent in our history. I forget that those generations are still permeating our culture, pressing their ideas and opinions upon us. I forget that the fights were merely won in our legislation, not in our minds.

How can someone honestly have such bias in their hearts?

I don't believe it's possible for me to do well in this placement. That doesn't mean I won't try...I can only hope that it won't stop me from doing well once I leave this place.

While kicking up some fiery gold leaves that fell on campus, I began thinking about previous autumns, the present autumn, and finally, the future autumn.

Within the next year, I will finish student teaching, (hopefully) be involved with the last college musical I can participate in, perform my senior recital, graduate college, drive to CA and back, and theoretically get my very own job.

In one year, this might all be a bad dream.

I don't understand...

...humanity.

Exhaustion.

I am so incredibly worn out. I thought I'd take an hour long nap around 4 today - I woke up at 8 PM, ate dinner, and now I can barely keep my eyes open. I don't even know WHY I'm this tired - I just know I can't function and I can barely get through my lessons and it's KILLING me. I can't have a career like this - if this is what teaching is, then I will honestly go get my masters and/or doctorates and teach at the collegiate level. Because I refuse to half-*** teaching.

I worked with a substitute today. We got to talking, and she told me that she taught for over 20 years (high school english), won several teaching awards, had students go on to win prestigious awards in writing, and has her masters in education. No one will hire her because the state requires that she be paid at a higher level for having her masters. She has no job except substitute teaching. Obviously I only spent a day with her, but she appeared to be a very intelligent, dedicated, passionate individual. What the heck is wrong with society???? No wonder a lot of teachers are fools - all the intelligent ones are "too expensive" to hire. And I ask...why SHOULDN'T teachers be paid well? We're already severely underpaid when compared to other professions...why is America dooming itself? Why should we sacrifice ourselves to bad pay when we already give our careers our all?

In other news, I felt like I had a 'moment' in one of my classes today. Most of my lessons were crap (big surprise), but I was working with some students on a garageband project in one class. They had already turned in a short composition project and were working on their second to hand in, which is required to be in a different style from the first. I was listening to several students' work before they turned it in to be graded, and realized that all the students were using heavy synths and drum kits which mirrored their previous work. Finally, I went around opening new files and giving students one loop to work with. I said, "show me what you can do with this funky bass line" or whatever...by the end of class, I had a football player creating this AWESOME mellow piano rock piece, and another kid asking to stay during his lunch period to finish writing his funk piece. I asked them if they LIKED what they were writing - they said they really did, they just didn't know how to write something in a different genre than techno before. Hopefully it made an impact.

I also stayed after school to work with a student who's been having trouble in theory (and saying she's having trouble is a huge understatement). I think we made some headway, and I offered to help her review her homework every day after school. I hope that works too.

Maybe today wasn't SO bad - I had a breakthrough in my 7th grade general music too. Not only do I feel a lot more comfortable with that age group, but I FINALLY figured out a way to get this one student to settle down. He's been a problem since the first week of class, and he is getting horrible grades because of it. Yesterday I came to the conclusion that all he wants is attention...and that's why putting him in the front by me doesn't work - everyone in the class sees him there and it gives him more fuel to act up. He's now sitting in the back row with one quiet student he can't corrupt, and he was actively participating in class. Hopefully this continues and his grades come up.

Oh! Then my co-op asked me if I'd be OK to run guard rehearsal tomorrow since his wife won't be able to make it. FINALLY. Last week he COMPLETELY blew me off and it crushed me...cross your fingers for me that I can prove myself tomorrow night. I guess there were a few really good moments today that I forgot about because of the bad ones...

I also found out I was nominated for something. It's really nothing, but I do kinda feel bad about it. I sit in my seminar class EMBARRASSED because I know my lessons aren't special and I don't feel like I'm making an impact, and that's all I ever wanted to do. I don't feel like I deserve any recognition - all I've ever done was dabble in things that were fun and interesting to me...why should I be recognized for that? Maybe all the things I've ever done were out of self-interest to ME...that's not worth any recognition.

Here's hoping tomorrow goes well. On the bright side, I'm going home on Saturday to watch my cat and dog for the weekend. I'm planning on ordering a pizza, relaxing, and taking my sweet time to finish my lesson plans. And next week's a four day week (in-service)!!!! woot!!!

Like a revered painting...

...ravaged by the elements, I mourn the loss of beauty.

Like delicate flowers trampled underfoot, I mourn the loss of innocence.

Like a window shattered in storm, I feel the splinters' sharp reminders of disillusion.

Though without the broken pane, the curtains wouldn't dance in the wind.

I don't care if I get wrinkles...

...as long as they're from smiling too much.

Another Hard day. How could it be right if it feels so unnatural all the time? I used to think of myself as a strong person. I'm afraid this experience is dashing that image of myself; I'm scared I'll find out I'm not really the person I thought I could be.

I love the kids I'm teaching - I hope I'm doing them justice.

I'm not even sure what's WRONG at this point. I guess everything's going OK...I'm just not living up to the huge expectations that I created for myself. What did I expect - that the first day I entered the classroom I'd be moving mountains?? Heck, it took Beethoven 8 symphonies before he wrote his 9th!!! (hehe :-p)

Why am I always in a hurry?

I need to remember that these things take time. I need to find patience within MYSELF and my own limitations.

I'll make it.

Full Moon

Today I got a glimpse at what my life could have been had a chosen a different path (small digression - what the heck kind of a word is "could", and why don't we pronounce the L?? I looked at it, and thought I had spelled it wrong for a second...very strange).

I thought about it for a long while, and wondered if I regret the decision I made.

And then I realized - I made that decision with the best information I had at the time. I made that decision, and for a long time I never would (there's another weird word!! sheesh!) have questioned the goodness of it.

I also realized that I have come to be a very specific type of person through my decision...and if I hadn't made it, well, I wouldn't be the person I am today. I do wonder if that's a good thing sometimes...

But then I acknowledge that I have always only ever done the best I can. I know I'm scared of what's to come; I know I'm worried that I won't be happy in the future. But maybe if I just...stick with those little things that make me happy, the big things that make me happy will come my way too.

I'll never regret those things that I have done with good intentions.

I can't continue to lose hope, faith, trust, and confidence in myself - I need those now more than ever. And if I don't believe in myself, how will other people? I am strong...I WILL persevere.

I will not simply exist...I will LIVE!!!!


...Thus begins another week.

Scrambled thoughts from a scrambled brain...

...or maybe it's just poached! hahahaha...hehe :-p

Wellpers, things just might be settling down. And by settling down, I mean that things are just as busy as ever, but maybe I'm not as internally tormented by confusion and have just accepted that things are going to be the way they are.

I THINK today went well. In any case, I'm now certain that a busy band is a happy band. It bonds you in a way nothing else can.

A friend shared her thoughts on "control" in a relationship - how derailing it is to lose control, how securing it is to have it. While I 100% agree...I see how unfortunate this is. Why is this a problem? Well, I don't doubt the degree to which this "control" factor impacts us in relationships, but I question why the control factor is there. I'm beginning to believe that a relationship can only be truly (not successful...trying to find a word here...) INTACT when there is no control. When there is no question of control, and there is no NEED from the other person because they are guaranteed to be there when needed, and vice versa. Quite possibly, the word "control" is simply a substitute for trust. Trust that the other person will be there and fulfill their (not promises...but...) word.

Lately I've been seriously evaluating some recent events and how I have reacted to them. It seems painfully obvious that I am not mature enough to handle relationships. The whole thing is pretty strange, but I'm fairly certain that I have some sort of horrible habit of relying too much on a significant other when one appears. The bizarre part of this to me is that I always found PRIDE in being an independent individual...but I guess I just don't know how to stay myself when I find the opportunity to have a companion.

Also...I'm starting to believe that the best "state" for one to live in (aside from Jersey, of course :-p) is not happiness. I'm not talking about UNhappiness...I mean dissatisfaction. Because, at least for me, if I get one thing perfect in my life, I just focus on that one thing because it makes me that incredibly happy. And then I ignore the other parts of my life that PROBABLY need the most attention. Just like practicing, actually. When I finally become able to play a piece the way I WANT to play it...I keep playing it. I don't want to play what I can't do correctly...I want to play the stuff I can do.

In other news, the cold spell we had recently has been prepping me for Miles Davis season. (That's the winter, at least as far as my personal music seasons go :-p).

...thinkity think think with that pumpkin in the sky...

Blustery Days...

...remind me of NYC.

So tired.

Too much to really think...I'll just "be" for a while.

Isn't it beautiful...

...when leaves fall off of the trees in autumn and stain their image into the sidewalk?

I just came from a concert in which a Stradivarius violin made in 1681 was played. Think of all the music that's been made by it...think of all the concerts it's played...the people who's hands it's been held in. It's older than our COUNTRY.





"I've seen him break a lot of people over the years...don't let him in you. Don't let him get your spunk."
...I'll do my best.