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I often feel lonely, but I only ever really want to be alone.


?


I wonder how long it'll take before that changes

WHY

Why are most people I know from college already engaged or married????  Don't they understand they haven't LIVED?????????

I don't understand why a 21 year old would tell me that she was "ready to settle down."  SHE HASN'T UNSETTLED!!!!!!

I guess when I have an opinion that most other people don't seem to have, an opinion that seems SO REASONABLE, LOGICAL, AND SENSIBLE, and they STILL don't get it, it makes me feel more alone.

Incredibly Offended

Trying REALLY hard not to be completely bitter and angry.

I have that feeling like all my insides are tensed up - I used to go to the gym to get rid of that feeling, but I can't really afford that/I don't have time for that, so I guess I just have to hope it goes away soon.

Why does that have to make such a damn difference?  Over 2 hours of good conversation was worthless because it turns out I'm not religious?  It doesn't matter to me - why should it matter to you?  Isn't that COMPLETELY AGAINST what your beliefs are supposed to be?  ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH  THAT IS HYPOCRITICAL GARBAGE

I just enjoyed having someone to talk with about something other than my job (OK, that DID come up, but not for very long).  I love my 3 friends that I have, but it was nice to have someone new to talk to - someone who's in a similar situation as myself.

And I hate how people respond when I mention my parents are divorced.  Or my dad's boyfriend.

WHATEVER - yet again - it DOESN'T BOTHER ME, WHY SHOULD IT BOTHER YOU?????

And I'm never going to forgive you for how you treated me when I put my complete trust in you.  I don't respect what you're doing - I can't force the sympathy I wish I had, or be patient with you anymore.  There are so many times I wish I could just wash my hands of the situation.  I regret feeling that way, but I can't find a way to stop those thoughts or resentments.

It comes down to respect.  I HAVE HIGH EXPECTATIONS FOR MYSELF AND FOR OTHERS.  I HAVE TO respect the people in my life, or I get the desire to blow you off.

Ugh that feeling is still there.  Like I need to punch something.

I picked up a gift tag for the salvation army today.  I love getting those gifts - I can't really afford to do that either, but I've done it for so many years, I can't stop now.  It's one of my favorite things about the holiday.

I'm really glad I have a job that takes up my entire life, because it means I have less time to think about being mopey.  I guess I just don't believe that there's someone out there who can measure up.  Plus, I find it hard to believe that I could even be a part of something healthy with my past and my mental baggage and whatever else.

I want to be the best at what I do, and I want to be in charge.  I want to facilitate change, save people, experience EVERYTHING and go EVERYWHERE and live 100 more years so I can take it ALL in.  I want to learn all the interesting things on the planet, I want to be STRONG, and I want to leave a legacy.

Sunday Night

Here we go again:  All the jitters and panic of Sunday night.

Not feeling super, but feeling OK.  Also, I stocked up on more candy to bribe my kids - that helps diminish the jitters.

Had a lovely weekend, at least.

I've banned myself from watching unnecessary TV.  So far, I've been MUCH more productive.  I even feel a little better, I think, that I'm listening to music instead of watching garbage on the tube.  So far, So good.  Though I finished a little early tonight, so I might give myself 30 minutes.  Heck, I even went through my mail (backed up several weeks / months) today!

Maybe not - I'm actually pretty tired, and it couldn't hurt to go to bed early.

The other thing:  There are times when I'm SO happy I'm single.  Sometimes in a relationship, at least, for me, I get frustrated by the other person - let down, I guess.  I try SO HARD to be this perfect person for whoever I'm with - well...the perfect ME, is what I really mean.  That might sound silly, but I don't think it's that I change who I am for the other person - I just put my energy into the relationship to really make it all that I can.  Well, anyway, through this rambling, what I'm trying to say, is that if I'm single, that means that MY romantic story didn't happen yet.  It means I still have hope, and that someday, someone could come along and write MY love story.  Doesn't everyone want that love story?  So when someone asks how you met or how it began, you have a GREAT answer that you're proud of?  So that there's never been a question as to how much you two care?

Oh, I dunno.  But this is absolutely beautiful:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SQEslJZuV7U

3 times -

That's a terrifying thought, btw.

Days like today make it feel impossible to think of ANYTHING positive about what I do.

I just spent 5 hours being told that I ruin kids lives, that I'm unfair, that I'm bad, that I shouldn't be where I am.  Literally.

I guess that's not so different from EVERY day, but it's worse when it comes from parents.

I'm doing the best I know how to do.  On the bright side, I know more every day.  But that really doesn't feel like it matters right now.

It's hard to believe I have to be back there in 12 hours.  I kind of wish I could disappear for a little while.

The worst part is that this is my entire life.  I spend all of my days and all of my nights TRYING, and now this.  I already get disrespected, I already feel isolated,  I'M GIVING MY LIFE HERE.  There are other things I could be doing.

At least I only have to go through this 3 more times this year.

You should know how I feel, you should know what I want, you should know what to do.]]period the end

I miss reading your posts

I guess you disappeared into happier days.  That's good, I guess.  I just liked reading about someone who felt like I used to.

I don't feel it anymore.  If you don't get me, then I just want to be left alone.

I want someone who's perfect for me.  I don't want to continue to be saddened every time I remember how STUPID I was.

I hurt.

Spouting Chicken Soup with Rice!

No voice for tomorrow :-/

Rough day.

Thanks for the text!  I'm not very good at responding to texts anymore :-(

Nervous for this week...but not-so-nervous at the same time.

Looking forward to Wednesday night!

Excited for DMB - what would I do without 'em?

I can't explain what I want I guess.  Hoping I'm not sick for tomorrow :-/  My head feels kinda funky right now.  Feeling pretty prepared though!


We will see.

SoOoOoOoOoOo

SOME kids didn't complain when I came into their classroom this week.

NO ONE told me they wanted their old teacher back.

OCTOBER is over (nearly).  Goodbye, October song, HELLO November song (and a 3 day week next week).

ANNNNND another teacher referred to me as her friend when she was yelling at her students for not listening to directions in my class.  I know she was saying it to emphasize to the kids that they were being super awful, but still.

They drove me nuts (especially today) - Halloween is the worst holiday ever.

Also, I'm pretty sure I'm destroying my throat and I will probably never be able to be in choir again.  But...I'm feeling better.  This was an important week.  

THEY LIKE ME (MAYBE)!  In any case, it's nice to see little kids playing the cymbals the right way.  Go Kindergarteners - forget stupid orff instruments.

Even though I'm exhausted, stressed, and partly miserable, I'm thinking that maybe I CAN do this.  You know??

urgh urgh

Another day.  Really, another 8.5 months.





I hope?




Still scared about what happened to Mike.  I want to do this - I do.  But I want to do it right.

uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurgh

I hate Wednesdays.



I'm scared for tomorrow (today).  That's why I'm still up.  Doing nothing.  Ensuring that I'm exhausted for the worst day of the week.  Avoiding the work that's due today.  Avoiding the work that's due tomorrow.


URGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH


SaVeMe

Is it going to get better?  I don't think it will and I'm very discouraged.  Walked in on a fight today - at least it wasn't MY class.  Waiting for someone to realize that I'm just downright not good at this.

Not sure if I'm hoping they NEVER notice, or wanting them to notice so I can be FREEEEEEEEE.

And then the guilt comes.  I was SUPPOSED to be a game changer, here.  I looked down on so many people for not wanting to do the tough stuff.  Then I turn around and find out I'm one of those people :-(

4th Grade:  Please be magically good.  Please.  Except...please let it be permanent.  Please don't fight.  Please don't scream and talk back and break things and talk back and insult and walk out and argue and ignore anything and everything I do.  Please sit in your seats and listen and let me TEACH you.  Because THAT'S what I like to do.  I don't like to babysit or watch people berate one another.  I want to TEACH you so you have a better future.  I want to teach you so that you can have passion like I used to.

I miss playing.  I miss enjoying things for me.  I miss LEARNING things that challenge my mind and help me become smarter.  I feel guilty for that, too.

I'm running out of ideas.  And when that happens, I'll be SOL.

COME ON.  PLEASE WORK.  PLEASE BUY IN.  Is it really so awful to learn?

urgh.

hopehopehopehopehopehopehopehopehopehopehopehopehopehopehopehopehopehopehopehopehopehopehopehopehopehopehopehopehopehopehopehopehopehopehopehopehopehopehope be there when I look for you in the morning.  DON'T GIVE UP.  YOU CAN DO IT!  YOU WILL DO IT!  Duhhhhhh!  It's so possible!  Do it Do it Do it!

The Last Four Years

I don't think I've mentioned:

I hate my college.  I hate the way it made (makes?) me feel inadequate.  I hate how the professors there make me feel pathetic and unsuccessful.  I hate the way THEY'RE the wrong ones - I'm the one who knows what's going on in education now, while they're behind the times and educating future generations of moderate to poor teachers.

I hate them.

I hate them for what they did to me...

I hate that I regret such a large portion of my still-short lifetime.

I hate that I don't want to go back there, that I'm not PROUD of where I came from.

I hope this feeling goes away someday...and soon :-(



They let me down

Best day ever???

NO SCHOOOOOOOOOOL!!!!!!!!!!!





(it's so great, it nearly feels like a snow day!)



(P.S. Please let there be lots of those this year!)


(P.P.S. I hope that doesn't make me sound terrible, it's just it's the most exhausting job and I work more than 12 hours every day and I do a better job when I have some time off to just think and consider my effectiveness.  And I mean that 100%)


Lalalaaaaaaa life gets me SO confused.  I enjoyed the poetry festival.
So much to think about...........I think I'll just go to bed!

:-p

It's funny to be so jealous of something even knowing that it's incredibly flawed.


Feeling unsettled......

And Another Thing

I just want to go back in time.  Back to those times where I felt like I belonged somewhere and like someone KNEW me.

I don't even believe in those moments anymore

What a mistake

Everything I believed was in vain.  Everything I fought for was only there in my imagination.




...so it's no surprise I'd rather live there than in reality.



But even that place is gone now.  It's been several weeks and I feel broken.

No one can really relate to me and my ambitions.  It makes me feel good, because maybe it means that I alone can do what I intend to do.  It makes me feel awful, because maybe I'm just insane and doomed to be lonely.  Lonely not because of being special, but lonely because of being stupid.

What's that?  Only time will tell, and the joke of it is that it probably won't tell me 'til it's too late.

The beauty of it:  Time only tells it's secrets once it's already gone.

#400

I just wanted someone who thinks like me.





When I explain it, the fact that you STILL don't understand just makes my point more pointed.
You Don't Get It.

I spent forever chasing a connection

And it doesn't exist.

Mondayyyyyyyyy

I'm hoping I wake up cured.









Soooooooooooo what if I just think that having you around makes my life a little bit more interesting, a little bit more meaningful, a little bit easier, and a little bit happier.


Except for maybe that easier part
:-p

Becauseeeee

Frankly I just feel scattered and unfulfilled.

Simple Dimple

It's really quite simple when you think about it.

What makes one person happy doesn't make another person happy.  So we act on our own needs and they're unhappy, or we act trying to fulfill THEIR needs and we leave our own unfulfilled.


Is it possible?  Because...I really don't think so.

?

I

Don't 

Know

What's

Best

For

ME

I know I'm tired and grumpy.  

I guess I wish I had some quality time with you - I feel kind of like a stranger?

But maybe I should stay that way?  Nothing's really changed...

I wish I had the answers!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hump Day!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Not Enough Time....

I have so much more I want to do, but I'm so exhausted I cannot do everything I hope to do.


I hope this wears off


Dinner was fun :-)

Urgh.

I'll deal with everything in the morning.

Promises, Promises was SUPERBLY Super.  I met Sean Hayes - yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

I'm not looking for the confusion to go away, I'm looking for someone to be confused with.





Yeah - I'll get it all tomorrow.
Though...maybe I did OK through that whole situation.  I never blamed her - I think I stayed fairly rational.  I  guess that's something important, right?

That's it.  I woke up feeling SO AWFUL this morning - like there's a giant weight on my chest - it's because I talked to you - so this is IT.

I said it before, I'll say it one more time:  You're no longer welcome in my life.

Even when I TELL you what's wrong and things you could do to make me feel better, you DON'T DO THEM. I told you that I've never heard you say "I miss you," so what do you do?  ARGUE with me that you DO say it.  BS.  What the heck is your problem that you can't even get over yourself for a minute and tell me it yourself right then and there?  Even when I ASK, you STILL won't say it to me.

I WASN'T FRIENDS WITH YOU SO THAT WE COULD ARGUE EVERY FLIPPIN' DAY

I BEGGED you to come up.  It's a freakin' HOUR away.  ONE HOUR.  I don't CARE if you were home for dinner last night - you STILL coulda been here by 9 and you know what, I don't GIVE A DAMN if you were tired because when someone is telling you that it's OVER unless you change what you're doing and do something else, YOU DO IT.  YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN HERE, YOU SHOULD HAVE TOLD ME YOU MISSED ME, YOU SHOULD HAVE STOPPED ARGUING AND YOU WON'T.

The facts are simple, once again:  YOU DON'T LOVE ME.  You'd rather LOSE me than ever be anything beyond friends with me.

I LEFT SOMEONE FOR YOU.  I let myself be hurt for over 2 YEARS to stay in your life as a friend, even though I CRIED EVERY DAY because of it.  I BELIEVED IN OUR RELATIONSHIP as much as YOU believed in our friendship, and OBVIOUSLY I believed wrong.  SO DID YOU.

I CAN'T BELIEVE I wasted SO MUCH TIME WAITING FOR YOU TO CARE ABOUT ME WHEN OBVIOUSLY YOU CAN'T.

NEWSFLASH:  You're life is ONLY MESSED UP IN YOUR MIND.  You have SO MUCH going for you right now, and you complain that your mental state is TERRIBLE because you live at home.

WELL YOU KNOW WHAT?  OVER HALF THE PEOPLE WE WENT TO SCHOOL WITH LIVE AT HOME AND YOU DON'T SEE THEM BLAMING THEIR TROUBLES ON IT.

And anyway, YOU DON'T PAY BILLS.  YOU DON'T GO TO THE GROCERY STORE.  YOU HAVE DINNER ON THE TABLE, YOU HAVE PEOPLE 5 FEET FROM YOU THAT CARE ABOUT YOU SO DAMN MUCH, AND YOU HAVE FRIENDS NEARBY THAT WILL GO TO CONCERTS WITH YOU AND HANG OUT WITH YOU AND ENJOY SPENDING TIME WITH YOU.

I KNOW that you're still not over that stupid girl who spent SO MUCH TIME trashing you last fall on AIM.

YOU NEED TO GET OVER IT.  AND OVER ME.

I'm SORRY I'm such a NASTY, HORRIBLE person, but I CAN'T TAKE IT ANY MORE.

Time and time again, you just PROVE to me that you DON'T HAVE FEELINGS FOR ME and that I'm STUPID to be WAITING for you, because I'm just going to be LEFT BEHIND some day and I don't want to sit in the background and watch YOU and EVERYONE else find happiness because I stopped myself from moving on.

I DON'T CARE about the tickets, I DON'T CARE about the future trip, I DON'T CARE about my damn piano or the damn poster, because anyway those things are just going to upset me when I see them.

I CARE that YOU weren't around on my first day, and that YOU don't know what work is like at all, and that YOU don't  get to hear what I think about whatever's in the news anymore.  And I am SAD that I'm not there to hear those things about YOU anymore either.

I CAN'T BEG ANYMORE.  I CAN'T CRY ANYMORE.  I CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT ANY REAL HOPE FOR MYSELF ANYMORE.

If I have a horrible day at work, I need someone who WILL drive an hour just to take me out to eat to cheer me up, even if they worked all day.  I need someone who will understand that to me, HOME IS WITH YOU.  I need someone who will ADMIT to the world that they care deeply about me.  I need someone who will REMEMBER the things I mention casually that I want to do and MAKE THEM HAPPEN because they know it'll make me happy.  I need someone who's NOT AFRAID to say "I love you, too."

I have given you TIME, I have given you MORE PATIENCE than I have EVER exhibited in my ENTIRE life, I was there when you were upset about ANOTHER GIRL and I did my best to make you feel better even knowing that you were upset because you didn't care about me but about someone else, when you were sick, I DROVE 2 HOURS home in the dark JUST to make sure you were OK and to try to cheer you up...

I'M SORRY that it's ending so miserably, but I can't help it.

I have a NEW LIFE now, and I don't want to miss out on it's good parts because I'm waiting for you.

To me, every year it just seems like you care about me less than the year before.

Even in the beginning...you tried to sneak your way around your feelings for me.  You told me you had something to tell me, then you refused to tell me what it was and made me drag it out of you.  And I moved your arm around me - you wouldn't do it on your own.  And I felt like I had to force you to break up with your gf - I SHOULDN'T HAVE HAD TO DO THAT.  Even from the beginning, I shouldn't have had to do that.

Don't you understand...if you had just come here, I wouldn't have been able to say no?  I wouldn't have been able to leave?  Not if I saw you and talked to you in person...but you wouldn't even come here to save everything

You don't even know what my apartment looks like.

Waiting for you is DEBILITATING.  I lay around, unable to do any work, WISHING that things were different - it's UNHEALTHY.

I know you say I ask too much, but I know I'm only asking for what someone would do if they were in love.

I'm just TRYING to get it all out of me so that I can get up and be productive the rest of the day.

Even the journal...whatever you forgot that you promised to get me one, but even when I reminded you, you STILL didn't do anything about it????  "Oh I forgot!  Sorry!"  And that's it???  You don't even try to make it up to me???  What the HECK?????????  I DON'T want to post on this stupid thing, I want to write in a REAL JOURNAL.  But I never bought my own because I THOUGHT you'd take a hint and bring one up or mail one to me or something.

BUT YOU DON'T THINK THAT WAY.  YOU DON'T THINK OF THE SMALL THINGS THAT COULD MAKE ME SO HAPPY.

Not that you had to buy me anything...I just thought that you'd do what you told me you'd do.  I

I'm sitting here ACHING

Oh...it's heartache.

This is what people mean when they say heartache



You were there after my parents divorced, you were there when I was lonely, you introduced me to SO much new music, you got me into some GREAT literature, you spent hours figuring out the meaning of life with me, you were there to support me through my recitals, you were there when I couldn't make it through the holidays, I still have the song you wrote, you let me know I wasn't alone when I hated school and I felt completely alone and misunderstood, you took me to the doctor when I had the surgery on my arm, you held me up through last fall semester when I didn't think I would finish the semester and never graduate school, you encouraged me to apply for this job, you made me feel special when I didn't feel it, you invited me into your family and let me see what a healthy family could be, you bailed me out a BILLION times when my printer was broken or my computer went haywire, you sang with me and loved Sillyville with me, and when I felt like the only person in the world who doesn't drink heavily, and you sat with me at night when I felt like I was losing my mind, you gave me a safe haven in your room when I couldn't take my roommates or I felt like I wasn't going to make it through the night.  Because of you, I sit on the computer and I look for things to LEARN - I never used wikipedia for anything besides research for school before you.  In the beginning, you helped me get that radio show, and I play guitar more often now because of you, I explore new types of music and go to concerts now, I READ SONG LYRICS and look for meaning in them, I watch FILMS rather than movies, you took care of me when I was sick, I've got your little plant clipping next to my window, you inspired me to buy posters and fill my room with expressions of myself - art!  I look at art in a new way, and I eat SO MANY new foods because of you!  you remind me to appreciate the little things in life and to look harder at the world, of course - we went on the trip and you gave me the opportunity to go on an adventure I'd been DREAMING about for at least 6 years...and you gave me the chance to REALLY love someone, no matter what mistakes they made or how much we argued or that other people thought we were crazy, the chance to put someone else first, to learn from you - you let me see you at your best AND your worst and gave me the opportunity to know you better than anyone else on the planet knows you, and that's the MOST SPECIAL thing about what you and I had - that we saw each other at our bests and our worsts and we still stood by one another.

I miss you

but now I even feel alone when I'm with you :-(

Kind of ironic...


watching Annie Hall marked a beginning for us.







Figures.

My whole life, whenever I get upset, I get this OVERWHELMING desire to go home.

I AM HOME.

I just want my life to work out.  I'm wishing it away.

Well I guess I just read into things too much.







Everything that's happened has made me feel so horrible about caring about you.  Isn't it supposed to make me feel good?  I don't want to feel bad anymore!  I can't talk to you, I can't think about you

I'm SORRY.

I just want to feel like a normal human being

Still Angry.

Sooo I'd like to write about my thoughts on today being the 9th anniversary of 9/11 - I have LOTS of thoughts, especially as I was just near Ground Zero last week, and I sat in a park looking at the Twin Towerless NYC skyline this afternoon.  I watched a two-hour recap of news reports from the morning of 9/11/01 - I never actually watched them, since I was at school 9 years ago when it happened.  I've got a much different perspective looking back on those reports as an adult with a pretty good understanding of what happened then I did when it first happened.  It's almost more frightening as I look at it now...I think back then, I was upset about what happened and about the people that were hurt, but I just did not realize the widespread effect it would have.  I think...if I had been older when it happened, I would have been a lot more frightened about my own and my family's personal safety.  NYC was still far away to me when I was that young - I hadn't yet realized how small the world is.

Speaking of 9/11...I'm still disgusted by the crapola about the Mosque.  Among the millions of reasons that everyone needs to shut up and let it be built, I'm most upset because it shows Americans as hypocrites.  Although I know America is superly unperfect...I still have to believe that people believe in the rights our country was based on, and the freedom we claim to uphold.  I'm supposed to be teaching my students about our country and how we should be proud of it, and with all this ridiculous hate going on around here, I have to admit I'm more ashamed of my country then I ever thought I'd be.



In other news, I'm feeling terrible.  Part of me wishes I had just never answered - I wouldn't have spent so much time dwelling on it all today - I could have just gotten on with my to-do list.  I'm sorry that you're not happy with the situation right now.  There's not much I can do about that.  I wish I could help you understand the situation better.  At the same time, I just feel like things get worse when I try to explain - you don't understand how I feel, and you say I don't understand how you feel.  I can't handle this anymore - I don't feel like we ever get anywhere.

For some reason, it doesn't seem to me like you understand how painful this is for me too.  I keep thinking I'm being much too obvious - I thought my constant posts complaining about something related to you and I gave away that this isn't easy for me and that it's something I think about often.

How is it possible that an hour ago I was wishing I had Annie Hall on tape because I wanted to watch it?  I've never randomly thought that before...

I'm not trying to replace you - I could never do that.  I don't WANT to do that.

To be honest, it's hard to think about how upset you are because I don't want to consider that I'M making you upset - thinking about that might get me to change my mind. :-/

Some of our biggest problems (I think) stem from the fact that we're in two very different places in our lives right now.  You're at home, working to go back to get your 2nd degree, while I'm on my own starting a new career.  I know since you're home, you have certain obligations towards your family (heck, it's also because you guys are just CLOSER).  I don't have that, and I've never had that.  YOU'RE my family.  You're my family, and I'm alone out here and I eat alone every day, work alone every day, and go out alone.  I don't mind that much, but you're supposed to do whatever it takes to be around.

Oh I don't know - I'm getting tired and I'm all confused...I've got a million reasons to stay in your life, and only two for staying out: my mental health and my dignity.

In short, I wish you were here.  I procrastinated again and I'm physically and mentally exhausted.  I hafta buckle down tomorrow after I go to the museum in the afternoon.

It is what it is.

After everything we've been through, if you still can't stand up and say Yes...


There's gotta be someone out there who WILL
I left someone for you...I committed.

I thought you'd show up at my door.

You shoulda been here.  You shoulda made an effort.

I can't find a gym and it's terrrrrible.







I'm mad again.  It's not like you even bothered to do anything about it.  Obviously doesn't matter if I'm around or not.  Yes - I'm bitter that you didn't do anything to try and change my mind.

"Wishing Well"

Checked the newspaper today - my message was:

"You finally belong"







I've been waiting a long time for that

See, the problem is that I resent you because I don't think you follow through with me.  Heaven forbid you hear about a concert - you clear your schedule and figure it out asap.  But making time with me?  Out of the question.

"I love you.  I'll come visit you all the time - nothing could keep me away!  I'll call the gym for you.  I'll go to that Broadway show with you.  I'll..."
maybe that's all I've got, but it feels like more.  I would never let you down - it's not fair that you let me down. :-(

Fridayyyyyyyyyyyyy!

Wahoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo


Today was fine - lots of behavior management stuff...it wasn't super, but it was ok.  Not really any bad points, but I'm still not having fun with it yet.  At least it's FRIDAY!!!

It was good to see my friends tonight :-)

I've got this evening reserved for cutting coupons, doing the crossword, and watching TV (Reba's on now).  Very, very pleasant.

Cleaning my apartment and doing some work tomorrow - looking forward to chilling for a whooooole day :-D




My expectations were always just too high - it made everything worse, and if you can't meet those expectations it's just better if you don't even try.  I just expect too much.  This is for the best - if you can't find those feelings for me, then it's for the best.

In September for a while,
I will ride a crocodile,
Down the chicken soup-y Nile,
Paddle once, paddle twice,
Eatin' chicken soup with rice

Very tired.  Going to bed early - not as many classes tomorrow, so it should be OK.  Though...I believe I'm getting observed.  So...we'll see :-p

P.S.

I'm still awake.  I have some phone calls home and more work to do tonight, so it's not going to be a stress-free evening.  I think I'll be able to get to bed before midnight, though, which is GREAT news :-)

I got through it

So I survived, but it wasn't a great day.  A bunch of kids cried (ugh I can't stand that), a bunch more were sleeping when I got to their classrooms, all my classes were way loud (I'm really nervous about this one)...things just didn't really go smoothly.

I think my lesson on vibrations causing sound really got through to the kids (we did stuff with triangles - we could feel the instrument vibrating, and the sound stopped as soon as we put our hands on it), but I'm still way nervous.

Most of the other teachers are extremely supportive at least :-/

There's some more stuff from work, but I don't feel comfortable blogging about it.  It's nothing really bad, but I don't like talking about work here.  Overall, I really like the school I'm at and the kids are good - I just...feel more out-of-place than I thought I would in elementary school.

On the bright side, tomorrow's Friday!  I have Saturday totally free for sleeping and cleaning the apartment - that sounds SO amazing right now!

On the OTHER bright side, DMB's going to be on TV at 7:30!!!!!!!!!!!  Kaitlyn texted me this morning - she heard it on the radio :-)

Still Here...

Can I make it through 7 classes on no sleep?  I'm still not nearly done and I 'm supposed to wake up an hour from now

This is what I get for being lazy last weekend.  All of this could have been done before today :-(

Dozed Off Again...

:-(

I wish I wasn't carrying this by myself :-(


Btw I'm officially overweight and I'm disgusting but I don't know what to do about it...




This isn't fair, you know?  Why can't you be what I want?  Why??  I don't understand :-(

I hate feeling so alone

Uh Oh

I feel asleep while I was doing work, and now it's late and I haven't even STARTED the work I need done for tomorrow....





Get me through this week

Wait Wait Wait

...wait wait.


So tired - I have so much work to do...I hope I get to bed earlier than 3:30 AM like yesterday :-(

I hope I get through this week.

Holy Smokes!

Just saw a trailer for the new season of House - looks FANTASTIC - SOOOO FANTASTIC!

I can't wait 'til the 20th :-)






time to make dinner and take a little bit of time to read the paper.  If I don't find a printer first thing tomorrow...I'm in big trouble with my boss :-/

Oh boy...

So I survived today.  Nothing TOO terrible happened - no super breakdowns in class.  Not sure it went well, though (one kid was taken to the office - definitely didn't help my image).  Tomorrow I have MORE classes (Thursdays are my busiest days), and some classes are the first of the year and some are the second, meaning I'm teaching about a billion different lessons total.

I just...*sigh*...they're SO young.  I'm just less inspired by this age.  I don't understand them and I have little patience, especially when I'm already exhausted before class :-(

On the bright side, my 300 free folders came to the school today :-D  Now I'm just waiting on my notebooks, cart, and instruments (none of which were free, unfortunately).  Lots more work to do tonight, and my plans for the next 2 weeks are due tomorrow :-/.

My printer's still broken, and I desperately need it.  I might have to drive out and pay for printing again tonight :-(

I wish I had some Pizza Hut about now.






JOHN BUTLER TRIO IS OPENING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Time Out

I don't like that you know what I'm thinking and feeling but I have no idea about you.

scratchthat.

I don't want to know, I guess...not knowing says enough.



Why does everything I do cause disaster?

Can't I be a painter instead?  Or just practice?  Or just backpack??  Whatever happened to living off the land?? I think I'd like to do that...





help :-/

I have no lesson plan for tomorrow...

I'm not sure I want to do this for a whole year...


:-/

I want to be in a flash mob!

Gonna Be Up Late Tonight

took a long time to run my errands...I can't figure out where the evening went, but I just ate dinner and now I'm getting to work painting, coloring, stapling...and whatever else I have to do before tomorrow morning.


I'm waiting for you to show up at my door.

TV

Seinfeld's on and he was just dangling the end of his scarf on Elaine's nose...


:-p

First Day

Hola.

For the record, it didn't FEEL like a real first day - "specials" (most derogatory word for a class ever) didn't teach today, we just spent a few minutes walking from room to room and introducing ourselves.  Instead, I worked on my plans and things all day.  It was kind of a bummer - a very NON-exciting day that you would imagine would feel monumental.

However, as the day went on (and I was superly duperly productive during this day, I might add), several exciting things DID happen:

For one, when I went walking around from room to room saying hi to everyone, I got to one of the 4th grade classes and I started off my whole shebang..."Hi!  You don't know me yet because I'm your NEW..." and as I kept going, the kids started yelling out: "we know you we know you!"  Then they started to use some of the hand percussion stuff I taught them in JUNE!  I taught that class (back when they were 3rd grade) for 20 minutes one day in JUNE, and they remembered me!!!  But MORE importantly, they remembered what I taught them :-D

That was really encouraging (I love that class).  That, and some kids were so excited for a concert and for instruments that they threw their hands up and cheered :-D

Then, some not as exciting things happened.  The school's ONLY photocopier completely broke down.  As in...completely.  Won't be fixed 'til Friday (and only MAYBE at that).  Also, I was given a NEW schedule for TOMORROW that has different grades on it (argh) (argh argh).  These things combined mean that tonight is going to be superly stressful.  I only just got home, and I figured I'd take a minute to de-stress by munching on some yummy extra sharp cheddar cheese and saltine crackers :-D  And OJ (I love OJ)  (without pulp)  (and with calcium, in case you were wondering :-P).

Soooo I left work and went off to the main office downtown to check in AND get free stuff that was donated to my organization.  I walked out (only barely, though) with probably $150 worth of free stuff from different companies (Staples, Walmart, etc..).  I'm talking huge packs of pencils, pens, post its, 2 reams of paper, approx 100 folders, notebooks, glue sticks, paint, markers, crayons, erasers, an electric pencil sharpener...I'm not even sure what else I got but I definitely got it!  (someone had to help me in the parking lot - I almost didn't get the box to my car).  The great thing is just that these are things that I can use FOREVER...doesn't matter if I don't use it this year, I can use it next year and everything'll still be great.  Which is made even MORE great because in an hour or so I hafta head out to a store to pay something like $30 for photocopies of letters to parents and surveys and things for my students tomorrow.  Argh.

I'm fairly stressed about getting ready for tomorrow - I have 6 classes ranging from 1st - 4th, and I have a feeling it's just going to get more complicated as the week (and my crazy insane schedule) progress.  But I have an AMAZING poster I took a picture of that maybe I can get uploaded sometime.

That's all - lots to do.

I have to say...it's hard for me to feel sympathy.  I was reflecting on my horoscope that I got several days ago...it was something about how having my attention was something rare and special that should be valued.  That sounds incredibly mushy and lame, but then I thought about it and I realized something.  For 2 years now, I've given you everything I've got.  That's something that NO ONE else in the entire world can say...
When I think of it like that...when I think of how I chose to spend so much time with you, that I invested so much into us when I didn't have to, or when I could have done the same thing with someone else...it makes what we had seem so important.  The fact that I picked you out of everyone on the planet...it makes it more special :-/

I know the fact that you bothered to save our friendship after junior year means a lot too...but it doesn't cover up everything else I'm feeling :-(

It's a new day - it's my FIRST day!

Didn't break my promise - it's a new day technically!

My all-knowing horoscope strikes again:
Beware of your lack of lucidity; if you live difficult relations with your close ones, try to have some detachment so as to judge the situation with a maximum of objectivity: you'll then solve the problems more rapidly.Know that the existence of problems is not a problem in itself since living consists of continually solving problems.




I should've stayed away - I'm more upset right now than I was all last week.  I get so confused when you're supposed to be here and you're NOT.  It's ok though, because I'm waiting for someone who can give what I want to give.

There's gotta be someone out there who wants and admires me for exactly who I am - no ifs, ands, or buts about it.  I want one of those fantastico relationships where we build each other up and help each other be better people.  Like this quote: "...someone who inspires, who challenges, who sends you in search of some truer sense of yourself." - Steve Lopez (author of The Soloist)

I give up now - I'm making myself miserable.


...and I still need a gym - it's becoming a huge necessity at the rate I've been snacking, and I don't know what to do :-(

I want you to be happy so badly, but it conflict with how I can be happy.  Help!

I'm my only friend, am I?
Love is just a piece of time
in the world

52's a good number.

But the silence in me is screaming...

Last Post Today - I promise!

I can't come back this time.

It doesn't matter how I feel anymore about this - I've left too many times and just come right back, and nothing's ever fixed or better - it's still a mess, and I still feel the need to leave again.


I can't come back

I Wonder

Watching When Harry Met Sally for the 5th time in 2 days.  It's acting as a decent distraction (but not TOO distracting).  It's also full of false hope - yay for movies (I hope you caught the sarcasm).

Did I mention I stumbled across a letter dated September 9, 2007 this morning?  It was all about how I thought you liked me (you complimented my hair and a skirt I was wearing, apparently), and I was incredibly intrigued because you were such a nice, friendly person.

I guess I'm going to bed at midnight.  I hope tomorrow goes OK, because right now I'm REALLY not looking forward to it.






I wonder what our lives would be like if I had followed through in September instead of April?  Maybe the catastrophe would have been avoided, and we would have ended up perfectly happy.  But everybody knows the "if" game is a dangerous game.

This isn't what I want.  If I haven't made it clear, it comes down to this:  It's been two years, and I'm more in love with you.  I CAN'T be just friends with you, because my feelings means that we're not "just" friends.  I don't want to be frustrated anymore, I don't want to take things out on you, I don't want to be sad.  If I stay near you, I lose the possibility of companionship because you cannot give it to me and I prevent myself from finding it elsewhere.  If I stay around you, I WILL try to destroy any semblance of a friendship that we have left.

YES I'm being selfish. But I know that being friends with you, while I love it, it is NOT a solution.  Keeping things the same does NOT solve what's wrong.

I don't know what else to say.  It's not that I don't want to talk to you - it's that I CAN'T.

I don't think this should come as a surprise because I've been saying it for YEARS: I can't just be friends.

I'm frustrated and I don't want to do this anymore.  I'm strong enough to go now, so I need to go.

I wish you could be what I need, or I wish I didn't need what I need.  I want to feel close to someone again.  I want to feel safe with someone again.  I don't want to live on a hope that your hugs could mean something.  I don't want to wonder whether you think about me as much as I think about you.  I don't want to fear that you'll FIND what I desperately want with someone else and leave me before I'm ready to be left.  I don't hate you, I'll always care about you.

The way I feel, I feel I have no choice.  I want desperately for you to change that - I want you to be what I need.  But you can't be what you're not, just as I can't be "just" a friend to you.

Success!

I just went grocery shopping...all but three things I bought were on sale/I had a coupon for (some had BOTH!), AND I saved nearly $35.  Yes, I AM amazing :-D :-p

Time to eat dinner, watch Amelie, and finish things for school tomorrow.  I'm FINALLY being productive!

Two things:

1) I'm superly glad that I live with the people I live with.  We went shopping, and it was fun. (and money-saving. Did I mention money-saving??)  (and I bought hilarious glow-in-the-dark halloween bottles of hand soap that were also on sale.  They have bats and haunted houses on them :-D heehee!)

2) I can't believe how much someone else has ended up living what I always would have thought MY future would be.  Drum major of a world champion band, and good friends with George N. Parks??  I ALWAYS thought THAT would be me - that it WAS me - and now...I'm in a city and my job description does not include marching band (or band, at that!).  I'm not sure how I feel about it - does he have what I want?  Or have my wants changed that drastically?

 

Walk down that lonesome road all by yourself
Don't turn your head back over your shoulder
And only stop to rest yourself when the silver moon
Is shining high above the trees

DoneDeal

A long time ago, you made a decision that you didn't want me.  I made one too - I know what I want and what I need, and I know what's best for me.  I've got a new life now, and I've got people that want to be in my life.  It's time to let go.  

Stage 3

Woke up at 7 angry and I can't shake it.                                                                                                                  


"cause we have nothing left to weather."

Again

violent sneezing, accompanied by tossing and turning?

Nicht so gut.

Discovery!

I just found out that I have comments on some of my posts!!!  People read this?!?!?!  Who knew!!!!!








I DO wish I had picked up a new Moleskin before, though - official official official REAL work starts Tuesday, and I would have liked to document it.

I'm not sure how I feel about online blogs still - online journals, anyway.  On one hand, I love reading other people's - seeing your thoughts usually either inspires my own thought, or helps me realize the connections we have that we don't always see.  Plus I like knowing how you're doing :-)

On the OTHER hand - does public blogging affect the realisticism of my posts?  Knowing that others will see it may censor my thoughts.  And it's never the same as handwritten things, as previously discussed.

I need to STOP online blogging tonight in any case.

I wish I could express myself better.

I'm confused by my age and my emotions.

*itchitchitch*

*ITCH*

Someone Stole My Sunday Paper

I am not an afterthought.

Retrograde

I've had some time to think lately (8 hours in the car will do that), and for a few hours, I was feeling pretty darn good.

I like that Meg Ryan eats M&Ms in one scene of When Harry Met Sally.

I read a newspaper article about a new study that discovered that people who are getting over heartbreak exhibit the exact same brain patterns (in x-ray things) as people withdrawing from drug addictions.  It's time that I realize that this is NOT a special case - bajillions of people have felt this way too - just because I feel strongly about something, doesn't mean that I'm right, or that the world has to change because of what I think.  It's NOT going to.

My allergies, it seems, have only gotten worse.  After three weeks of constant itching and rubbing, my eyes are red, swollen, teary - basically a disaster.  I can't even wear my contacts.  My nose is stuffy, and my throat feels like it has hives all over it.  I know  that's gross (it's gross), but it's true - I just wish ragweed would disappear!

In other news, I'm still not motivated.  The few times I feel motivated seem to occur when I'm a million miles from my computer or other materials, and as soon as I return to them, the motivation disappears.  Tomorrow is going to be a long day.

"I'm not saying it didn't mean anything, I'm saying why does it have to mean everything?"  "Because it does, and you should know that better than anybody"

On a Lighter Note...

I made sloppy joes on Thursday and cut onions and my hands STILL smell like them!  I don't understand - I've washed my hands at LEAST 40 times since then, and I've showered several times too.  CRAZY.

Also, wouldn't it be neat to write letters like Kerouac and Ginsberg?  There's a lost art in letter-writing...email and twitter and facebook and all those ridiculous things just don't cut it any more.  You can't take out an email in 50 years to show to your grandchildren to tell them about the "good ol' days."  And EVEN if you could - they'd still be missing the handwriting and the type of paper and the envelope with a cool old stamp - all the character of the thing.

Argh

misunderstood, unappreciated, disliked, unimportant

how I feel

it's always words.

"Take It Back"

though I don't need to wonder, because I know the answer.

I want equality - I feel like I'm at the mercy of however you feel.  I want a chance to feel what I feel.

I know you think I'm selfish. 

I have a VISION of great happiness...it creeps in, even when I push it out.  

I still hope that pushing you away will bring you back to me.  I'm sorry.  When SHE went away, you wanted her back THAT way :-(  :-( :-( :-( 

I'm sorry

I'm accusatory, over-reactive, impulsive, and downright mean.

It's better this way - I can't come back because I know there's no way to solve it, and coming back will just keep us stuck in the same place we've been for years, and I don't want to be stuck, and I don't want you to be stuck because of me.  I KNOW this is the only option I have - the only way I can really cause change, because I know that trying to change myself isn't working.

That's everything, right there.

OH NO - if I rub my eyes too much, I could cause damage to the cornea or WORSE - I hope I didn't already do it because they feel weird and terrible!!

Though...

I'm getting better at the guitar!  I can even do a LITTLE bar chord!!! :-o

Work?

I'm not ready for Tuesday.  I seem to be lacking motivation.  :-/

c'mon c'mon c'mon prove it

I don't want to be right

I don't want to be alone in this...

not the way I feel

Allergies better go soon - my eyes aren't working right anymore

Still there

Turn the weather channel on before bed - I'm reminded of the Hindenburg our junior year.
Wake up in the morning, and I open my eyes and see the posters you hung, or the shelf you gave me.
Look in the mirror - you fixed those glasses.
Brush teeth - it was those little moments that always made it worth it.
Grab a bagel - I sure miss those mini bagels from the trip.
Pick up the newspaper - I still do the crosswords every day.
Get in the car - NPR's on, glad you introduced it to me.


...

Thoughts

I invested in a retirement fund and stocks today - I can't touch it for the next 38 years - weird.

My cholesterol is OK - it's not great, it's borderline not good, but it's OK.

"If I accept you as you are, I will make you worse, however if I treat you as though you are what you are capable of becoming, I help you become that." - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe.

Good for me to remember that with my students :-)

I gotta go now

It's true, how about that.

That night 2 and a half years ago. Every time it felt like you and me were the only two people left on the planet, and you were my link, my connection, to understanding. I was bewildered and enchanted and I gave in...and then I couldn't shake it - the feeling that you enriched my life and opened up so many new adventures and I felt ON TOP of the world, and even when I felt it all falling apart, I still felt that magnetism, the pull, and even when you were gone, I held on to it, but it always felt more like IT was holding me...

It held me

And even now, the ghost of that time lingers, and I'm drawn to the energy and the beauty and the imprint and the impact

Because it WAS beautiful - two lost souls clinging to dreams together

It's just me in the shadows now...and it has been for a long time. I'll keep my dream.

I don't mean to live in the old, in the never was. I line my pillows up at night so I can pretend you're still there and my pride aches. My dreams are what I live for

And it's surprising how time slips away.

Well

F me.

Allergies go away.

Tomorrow will be a better day.

BlahBlahBlah

I'm gonna give myself the best life ever.

I'm also going to be the best at my job ever.

If only I could find a quality gym!!!!

But seriously...I'm tired of being willing to give more than I can get in this situation. If I'm going to be the best, I'm going to get the best.

There's stars in my eyes and there's sun in my hair...

Very frustrated.

Gimme a break.

Phony

:-(

Toooooo bad that you're no fun and can't be spontaneous and coolio like SOME people you know.

Or maybe it's not you...maybe it's me :-(

tired

never enough

understand...KNOW

Once in a Lullaby

Vision

I must admit, I'm starting to feel rich! Haha...

I want to do EVERYTHING.

...and I want to see the happy ending.

twinge

What a strange word; I'm not even sure I pronounce it correctly.

Hoping I do the right thing all the time at work....

It's funny: I am extremely aware that being around you often helps me to be...MORE, and because of you I am probably in a much better place with more promise than I might be had you not been around, or had you let me get what I want...

Whyyyyyyy

Are we a seesaw?

One moment we're on the same page, the next we couldn't possibly see eye to eye.

it drives me mad. Where's the stability? Where's the sanity?

I miss being a floor away when I could pop up and share and pop out when I was ready to go.

Someone explain to me: I want independence AND I want someone there

Cutting coupons, making shopping lists...

I had to plan out all of my dinners this week - WEIIIIIRD.

Combined with the fact that I'm stressing about bills, this officially means I'm an adult.

It's strange that it doesn't feel more different ?:-/

...I like cutting coupons though!!!!!!!!!!!! :-D :-D

AND it's rainy - mmm good. Which reminds me - I need to buy hot chocolate!

Summer's Over

It's official: Work OFFICIALLY starts on Monday.

BUT...it's OK :-) I had a fantastic summer - thanks BUNCHES for being my best friend - I know it's not easy; I hope yours was as good as mine :-)

We'll see what comes next :-o




At least I have a coolio planner to put coolio new things in!

*itch itch itch*

Goodnight

Allergies bite.

Eyes are suuuuuuuuuper itchy :-(

Argh argh argh

get meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

oh yeah

I watched "If you really knew me" on MTV. I was (am) intrigued. Thoughts will continue.

Even without communication, I wonder about you a lot. I wonder if this is enough for you to wonder about me and my wellbeing too?

Kinda weirded out at the dr. tonight...is there some reason to check my cholesterol???

Not feeling too great, I've got lots to do tomorrow, and I'm not feeling particularly motivated.

On the bright side, home feels good :-)

Strange how last month my horoscope mentioned I was working with kids, and this month it mentions a contract. Eerie.

It's amazing how unproductive I can be in an entire day.

On the bright side, I cleaned my apartment - SUPER CLEANED - swept, mopped, wiped, cleaned everything from the floor to counter/tabletops to the walls. - wowwie kaboodles!

I know some things SHOULDN'T be big deals...but they are. Is that a fault in myself? Should I change my expectations? I hate feeling like I look forward to things more than others.

On the other bright side, I think I'm handling this experience much better than some of my peers. While I get mildly pissed off, I'm fairly alright and going with the flow. Am I less uptight than previously thought?????

Last thought - I need a gym. Preferably an affordable one. One with a good mixture of people - not just Rocky wannabees or middle-aged women. :-/

More sessions tomorrow, then the Dr. Haven't quite figured out how to explain what I am right now, and it's terribly embarrassing. Either way doesn't really sound right - probably because the truth sounds pathetic and the lie sounds bad too. You know what? On second thought...I think the lie IS the truth - I just don't think I want to accept it.

I need to get my REAL journal - I feel so constricted on this site. I don't want to give myself away, but I hate speaking in what feels like a code.

You know how certain things - songs, sounds, smells, whatever - bring back floods of memories? it's so bittersweet when they hit.

She tells herself that she did her best

Through all the trials, they had been blessed

But she still longs to have her fun...

Wellpers, I need to get back to this curriculum...early morning tomorrow, and probably a late night. Doing what I can right now, and, for the most part, I'm doin' alright I think. Got a lot of dreams, got a lot of wishes...but what would life be without them?

Someday, when I'm gone - I want someone who never knew me to walk into my room, look around, and wish that they knew me based on how interesting my room looks. Heck, I wish I could put someone I've never met in my room, then interview them to find out what they presume me to be like.

Or maybe I just want someone to look closely and see the parts of me that other people don't.

"Love (it is such a relief to pen the word!), love, love—"

^It never loses it's impact. After 12 years, I'M still in love with it.

Ella Enchanted is on TV. I've boycotted it for years, but I've decided to watch it to see how badly they butchered what's been my favorite book since I was 10.

...it's worse than I thought :-(

At least there's always Gilmore Girls

When I was little,

the cool response to a question was "up your butt and around the corner"

WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?!?!?!?!

Also...my latest dream consisted entirely of me taking my contacts out and then putting them back in. Is that really the best my subconscious can do?

grumble

Doin that thing right now when I create problems when nothing is really wrong.

You can try to fix it up all that you like, but it's still no good when I can't figure out a way to be happy even for a bit.

And even thinking about it makes me wish for the way it was in high school...and I know that's not right, and I know things have changed and that I made this decision because I KNEW what the right choice was, and I wanted to say NO I'm not that lonely, I'm not that sad or desperate - I can take what the world throws at me and I can throw it right back atcha, and I'm gonna get what I want, and I'm gonna do it right, and the world's gonna come out better and so will I.

But I still wish sometimes for that connection and that ease with which I could connect with another person and not feel so lonely for a little bit. Back when it all seemed natural...

And then I tell myself it WASN'T easy, and I know that's right.

Internal argument with myself.

Back to lesson planning - I really, really hope my visions come true.

Train Ride

Sat next to a guy on the train today - he had a number 2 pencil and a pad of paper and was sketching a picture of two women that looked like they were twentysomething. He let me watch.

The sketches were fantastic - really detailed (one woman had beaded hair), they had a good shape - he caught their bodies really well. Not too complicated - they wore shorts or jeans and t-shirts, but the clothes hugged them the right way and he used smudging well, and I was impressed.

His pencil broke at one point, and he had to take out a knife and re-sharpen it - caught me off guard at first.

He drew even with the jolting of the train.

He didn't have an eraser, so I gave him my spare pencil with a brand new eraser and told him to keep it - so glad I turned back to grab that pencil this morning as I walked out the door.

Something little popped up to remind me of what I no longer have...facebook DOES suck. So does trying to remind myself that what I had wasn't as good as I seem to remember it was.

Workshops start tomorrow - time to be busy again. Thinking of applying to be a volunteer at a theater in the area - not sure if the time commitment is worth it, but it'll immerse me in what I love: music and theater. If only my printer worked and I could fill out the application form!

I feel like the person I am is getting in the way of the person I want to be.

I had fun at the beach...hearing you say that I freak out whenever things are good really scared me (though I think I needed to hear it).

Ready?

I have several 10 year plans.

20s: Teach. Become AMAZING at it. Work with kids in ALL grades from K-12, start choir/band/theater programs...become an expert and save people.

30s: Educational Leadership. Principal? Start my own charter school? Continue to work with kids (either through teaching or additional programs). Get a clue as to WHAT IS WRONG with America's education systems. Have masters...get doctorates?

4Os: Revolutionize. Take everything I know about what's wrong with education and fix it. Secretary of Ed? Write statewide curriculum? Ensure that music and the arts are IN SCHOOLS.

50s: College. Fix up the teacher colleges in this world that are BAD and are churning out thousands of BAD TEACHERS and contributing to the problem. Guide future leaders. Keep teaching - do something with music (conduct? arrange?)

60s: Continue...write a book?

70s: Half-retire (teach a couple classes, dabble in more music stuff)

80s: Take on a couple students - consult? Start my pineapple farm :-)

This was really exciting whenever I said it out loud, but on paper...ugh. :-/

Insecurity.

Word of the hour:

Conflict.

With others, with myself.

WhoWhatWhereWhenWhyHow

everyday questions.

Almost Unpacked

As long as I don't get distracted (argh), I'll be finished unpacking tomorrow morning. The room looks good, but I'm super excited to get my bed on Friday - the air mattress got old reallllly fast :-p

Pretty beat, considering I haven't left the apartment all day. I guess I'll get to bed. If I get done by lunchtime, I've decided to go to Central Park and walk around for a few hours tomorrow afternoon - I need to get out of the apartment a bit, and I've never been up to the north section of the park. I figure I won't have tons of leisure time after next week, so I might as well go out when I can tomorrow :-)

Unsure about a couple things at the moment. I guess it doesn't really matter right now, so I try not to worry about it and focus on what I need to focus on.

Goodnight

Scratch That

It's not going to be easy, but this month is MY month.

I am so much better off than I was just three months ago at school.

Nothing seems to be working out.

I want to get my room to be superawesomecreativebeautiful

So far, it's only caused me extreme worry and tension with family.

Here's to tomorrow and Monday :-/

Nothing hurts more than the realization that someone else doesn't care as much as you do.

Again

Having those conversations in my head again...

Wouldn't be so bad if they weren't so much better than the real ones I have.

Go out of your way for them....

Who'd go out of their way for me

No longer welcome at home and now my freaking bank account isn't working, which could potentially prevent me from having somewhere to live.



LOVELY.

I don't want to teach...WAIT I MEAN BABYSIT...these kids - I want my old students back. And by old, I mean the ones I used to teach, and I mean ones that are old enough to f'ing tie their own shoes.

How can I teach something I don't like

Pg. 147

"Because a new love affair always gives hope, the irrational mortal loneliness is always crowned..."

ah, yes. The irrational mortal loneliness.

Even when....

Even when things are going ok, I get jealous.

Stressed

I don't want solutions or answers: I just want someone to reassure me. Or something. I don't even know :-(







I wish it wasn't ALWAYS hard. I miss the old days when I could just sit in your room and ramble about nothing and feel like a person - not a babysitting machine - where it was comfortable and there was solitudeness to it.

But maybe I'm just making the old stuff out to be better than it really was :-/

P.S. Word on the street is that I got the apartment.

Today has been a pretty not good day.






And now a book that I need has gone missing :-/

When I...

When I get my apartment, I'm going to hang up a bunch of large sheets of paper on the wall and write down all my goals/plans/hopes/dreams for the rest of forever as I think of them.

Some preliminary plans:

-Travel to: British Isles, Germany, Mexico, Africa (Ghana, for one, even though my 5 year old student told me that I can't go there b/c I'm white - lol), Egypt, Russia, Japan, China, Australia, Italy, etc.
-Learn Spanish, actually become fluent in German, as well as a bunch of other languages...
-get to Maine/Boston/everywhere that direction North in 2011
-get to Seattle and Montana soon after that (2013? I should get to Alaska sometime soon too)
-Collect musical instruments (including foreign ones)
-start a choir for the 2010-2011 year at my job
-start a band for the 2011-2012 year at my job (must remember to get the $ somehow)
-revolutionize education in America
-possibly write a book
-get my name as an answer to the music praxis test
-compose something for REAL and get it published (possibly flute trios? Though I did like the brass quintet I wrote...)
-get my masters, and maybe my doctorates somewhere alone the line
-conduct
-paint a house (inside, possibly outside as well)
-learn to improv for REAL on my flute (not just 4 bar trade-offs in jazz band)
-paint a mural
-get in shape! (I'd like to be able to run for 20-30 minutes...not the 2 minutes I'm at now

Well, I could go on all night I guess so I should stop for now...there'll be plenty of time to dream up more, I suppose.

Reflection

What's that phrase?

That thing about how something so...cliche or banal isn't good enough for someone so unique and offbeat?

Sometimes I hope that could apply to me...helps me feel a little less lonely when I don't fit into the crowd.

I still really really really really really need to get a planner. ASAP. Otherwise I have a feeling I might forget important things :-/







I don't have the money for this weekend, but it'd absolutely break my heart to not go. I hope I'm not making a bad decision.

Painfully Aware

Have you ever watched someone else - for example, in a movie - act absolutely stupidly and know very clearly that you're headed down the exact same path?

Stuck on fast and just moving faster :-/

Wouldn't it be Loverly

...if I had more time for you and me.

Week 3

I wish I wasn't such a bitchy person.

How is it that my horoscope always knows what's going through my head?

No Time

I have a lot to say because I'm thinking a lot.

School is fine - the only problem is that it consumes me.

So confused about things...I don't know what I want.

I have to go to bed - I can't keep my eyes open.

Today was

your choice.

Three Hours

of sleep tonight - I hope. Not really ready for the AM, but I'll get by.

I remembered tonight I like being alone. When given the option of 20 or so of my peers (who I actually do really like) or dinner alone, I chose my book. It's better that way anyway.



It's a shame, you know.
But I can't help it. Maybe it's about time - no more pretending.

Again

Too bad.

I know

I've always been this way. Denial and Dreams are better to me than anything real.




And if 80 steps several times a day can't do it...



Too bad I'm too selfish to do what's best for them.

Summer School

It starts today, and I got way less than 3 hours of sleep last night.

I hope it works out - me and those little kids.

And another thing...

People who are too uncreative or unmotivated to find their own favorite quotes on facebook should not steal other people's favorite quotes. It's super lame.

Back Again

Very irritated because my "boss" gave me the wrong information regarding my assignment...could have had it done days ago, but now I'm up working on it still. On the 4th of July.

Interesting conversation with someone who does not consider herself American (left Mexico when she was three). Helps me think in a new way.

Tired and frustrated. This weekend was kind of a bust...unsure about so much - even the good things.

I need to be able to deal with what's been going on. I'm increasingly alone in my life, and I increasing feel that I have no one to relate to. Just more of life's apparent plan to make me think I'm crazy. Tired of begging to feel valued - wish I never turned into this person who can't do anything for herself.


P.S. Remember to get a yearly planner that goes 'til next summer. I can't keep track of it all anymore

Summer Bummer

I have a secret: I found out I gained 10 lbs since last summer. I attribute it to the high levels of stress caused by senior year (which also led to incredibly bad eating habits and lack of time to go to the gym). This can't continue...so it's the gym and healthy(er) eating for me.

Exhausted with lots left to do :-(

I can't wait for this week to be over

Official Day 1 is now over.

It was filled with TFAisms like SDs, AIM, GAP, DRA, CMAs, CMs (that's me!), and whatever other things they throw at me that I can't remember.

professional development from 6:50 AM - 4:30 PM, then 7 PM - 9:30 = not fun. Especially when we have to work through lunch.

We'll see.


On the bright side...I love MY corps :-)

Day 2...

Well, I'm certainly not happy with the disorganization I've seen within the last two days here. After my first induction, which was one of the most organized things I've ever seen, this has been quite a disappointment.

On the bright side, I still like the people :-)

Also, I'm coming to terms with pre-k. After my horrible subbing incident, I was kinda freaked at the thought of being in a similar situation for the next 5 weeks, but I've been looking on the bright side (the experience will be good for me), and now I'm alright :-) Plus, I like the people I'll be working with :-D

I must admit...the fact that we have to get a bag lunch and "work through lunch" is not cool. And the fact that I'm getting up at 5:25 and in sessions from 6:50 AM - 10 PM with a break from 5-7 and that's IT is not going to go over so well. Especially because the sessions aren't exactly thrilling.

...and I've recently become aware of the posters on the walls in the hallway for a 24-hour stress hotline that we're encouraged to call.

It's unnerving.


Well, better get to bed: Tomorrow's my REAL Day 1.

Day 1: Done!

Well here I am.



yeah, yeah. I hate the situation but I love you.





Tomorrow's just logistics, along with today. Tuesday's the real dealio. I hope I like it; I hope it's worth it.

Allergies make my eyes itch!







ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Itch.

I admit

I feel just a little bit smug every time one of those jerks I had to deal with at college complains on facebook about not being able to find a job.

Officially Employed

I got the call around 1:30 this afternoon - I have a job :-D

K-4, but I'm turning it into K-8. I want to start a choir :-) I'm excited that I'll get to teach the kids I worked with on Monday - they'll be 4th graders next year :-D



Also, I caught up with an old friend from about 6 years ago. Very trippy, but also pleasant.

I still have to pack and finish hw and stuff before leaving for NYC on Sunday. I also need to find an apartment in the next month - how cool is that?




I'm sorry for the yelling - I don't know why I blow up, and I don't know why I insist on making you feel like a horrible person. You're the reason I've made it through everything during this past year.

I'm happy with the time I have with you

Magic follow me wherever I go

In the Middle

Two weeks 'til a new life...

will my old one still fit??

Will I fit???

So far so good...still makes me a tad nervous.






There are still so many times when I feel like my feelings are unreturned. I wish I knew what I wanted, aside from all this impossibility.

I hope I hope I hope

I can do this.

I don't need to be an outsider anymore - I've left that school.



Still filled with moments of passion and excitement, followed by moments of terror.

Hopefully...

I wasn't done

I want to still be on the trip.













..........I guess I should stop complaining because my little trip was just a case study of the trip called My Life. Am I right? Ups and Downs? Bliss and Terror?

Not sure if I'm ready for tomorrow. I'm kind of swinging back and forth between entirely confident and incredibly nervous and timid. I know I'm not the person I was four years ago...for better or for worse. But at least back then I could put on a happy face when I needed to. I'm afraid I won't fit in, especially because of the bitterness I feel towards my old institution. If I don't fit in there, I don't know where I'll fit in. Plus I'll be in trouble for the next two years.


There are a few random moments throughout every day during which I REALLY really miss you.

I'm sick and tired

I wish I had an EASY relationship - one that was without frustration and hurt.

But I don't suppose those exist, do they?

In any case, I'm tired of feeling selfish and mean.

I'm pretty sure I lack the ability to be in a healthy relationship. On one hand, I want to be alone for forever. On the other hand, there's nothing more that I crave than true companionship.

In Between

Finally finished college...I'm leaving Tuesday to drive to San Francisco, then my career starts on June 7th, just days after I get back.

LOTS to do tomorrow, but my bags are basically packed. Hard to believe I'll be leaving so soon.

One thing before I crash - today's horoscope said this: Your appeal for help will be heeded by a friend who won't hesitate to take risks in order to get you out of a jam; no matter what people can think, true wonderful friendship does exist in this world.



:-)

It's Over I guess

I've wasted the last hour trying to figure out any possible way that my GPA would work out OK - there's no possible way. I have to accept it or it's going to be incredibly hard to look at my posted grades tomorrow morning. I should've just packed.

So it's over. Doesn't feel over. Well, some things do. The campus doesn't feel like mine anymore. I guess I destroyed the one friendship I had left here.

I wish I had been able to accomplish my goal. It's hard to feel proud of myself when I was so close but didn't make it.



I guess I just hope the next few days go quickly and painlessly - I'm not sure what I need, but I know it's not here.

I hate moving. Even when I want to move. It leaves me feeling exhausted and homeless.

One last day

Sing me a lullaby...

that's what I want.

In Just 4 Days

In 4 days, I will graduate with a degree in education.


Looking over my work for my upcoming job, we're discussing how to plan purposefully, get students invested in their own schoolwork, and how to execute our plans effectively.

It's the first time in 4 years I have EVER even thought about that sort of thing, never mind talked about it in classes.




How is that considered an education? How is it possible that the only reason I'm learning these things are that I am joining this other program on my own?

It scares me for the future of education.

Who I am is gone

only have I was

youcan'tma783K[LPKCGkemeyoucan'tmakemeyoucan'tmakeme

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Ihateyouhateyouhatehatehatehteahteahtaeahtahateahteahtahataehatehateahtaewthahatehatehteahteahteahat

getawaygetaway

gogogogogogogogo
getaway
go
go
go
go
go
go
go
go
go
go
go

kickbitekickkickkick


ihate you all

i HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU

GET AWAY FROM ME GET AWAY

I WILL DESTROY

I WANT TO DESTROY

IT
ALL
DESTROY
IT
ALL
A;SLIDM V AZFDNKNXC;LKMC;,LCXXZ,M,X,L;DSFLM;,DFS,M;LCM,LDL,;G,MLMDKH9JYMW5MWY89-63PVUx =90 6I09 bU896CU89Z6 6 BZ86 ,U88B8 8UBU98Y6Y

I HATE THIS

I have six hours to START AND FINISH a five page paper and I hate my teacher I hate her I hate her I hate her she's PUNISHED me she's TORTURED ME this semester and IT MAKES ME SICKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK

I CAN'T DO THIS I CAN'T DO THIS I CAN'T DO THIS I CAN'T DO THIS



DON'T MAKE ME


PLEASE



PLEASE don't make me please please please please please


I pump my body full of caffeine so I can stay up all night but IT MAKES ME SICK









Nononononononononononono I just AM sick I AM SICK I AM SICK I AM SICK I AM SICK I HATE YOU TEACHER. I HATE what you do to me and you pretend to CARE but you just make it harder on me I HATE YOU SCHOOL I HATE YOU LIFE LIFE LIFE LIFE LIFE LIFE LIFE LIFE I HATE YOU LIFE I HATE YOU LIFE I HATE YOU LIFE

DON'T MAKE ME DO THIS IT IS HURTING ME

GOD LET ME GO

PLEASE LET ME GO

MAKE IT END

MAKE IT END

PLEASE

PLEASE

I BEG

I'VE BEEN BEGGING FOR TWO YEARS AND I'M STILL HERE BEGGING

PLEASE GOD MAKE IT STOP


I MAKE MYSELF SICK TO look at to think of to KNOW I HATE KNOWING MYSELF

I WANT TO RIP APART MY ROOM AND BASH MY THINGS TO SHREDS

I WANT TO END THIS

I am weak I am weak I am weak I am weak and I have failed. I admit it now, so let me go in peace. Let me go in peace let me be quiet let me rest please let me rest

please don't make me go it hurts me it hurts me so much

I want to SMASH

I want to DESTROY

I want to HURT HURT HURT HURT HURT

HOW LONG

I'll make you SORRY

I HAVE BEEN DESTROYED BY YOU
HAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHA AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

EVERYTHING I TOUCH I WANT TO CRUSH CRUSH BEAT BEAT BEAT BEAT RIP SHRED RUIN

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO



ALL I AM IS HATE

I AM HATE
I AM HATE
I AM HATE
I AM HATE
I AM HATE
I AM HATE
I AM HATE


PUSH IT AND IT WILL DESTRUCT

LET ME DESTRUCT

please please please please please please please


CRUSHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

ah yes

I need to do laundry because I have no clothes to present in.












I wish I could avoid sleeping

My last Monday

7 AM wake up shower
8 AM library
9 AM class
10 AM practice (since I haven't all week)
11:15 lunch
noon choir
1 PM organize Orchestration project
2:30 violin lesson
3 PM class
4 PM last theater co. meeting
5 PM library
6 PM quick dinner
6:30 create a 30 minute presentation to give on Tuesday morning, complete with handouts and visuals
8:40 play on recordings of other people's orchestration projects
10:40 (AS IF MY PROFESSOR WILL END ON TIME) try and finish more of my own orchestration project until I pass out from exhaustion

Tuesday - huge presentation
Wednesday - Essay, violin performance in studio recital, huge orchestration project
Thursday - last observation, scramble to find 5 newspaper articles and write a 5 page paper
Friday - hand in 5 page paper and give presentation on it

Friday afternoon - I'll be happy to be alive.



thank god it's my last Monday (finals next week don't count)because my body and my mind can't take this anymore.

Just 14 days

I just need to get through 14 more days. THAT'S IT! I just need to make it a LITTLE longer and I'll be OK...

I've gotta make it.

I have to make it.

Byyy the way...

I absolutely love people who call each other "betch" or other ridiculous variations of insults turned into some sort of...complimentary nickname??





It just sounds so completely stupid.

On second thought...

for some reason, a fruit roll up also sounds delicious right now.

Right Now

I could really use a half-price appetizer from Applebees.

The thing is

I know I'm negative most of the time :-( I wish I had the time to be with my friends. I forget to be positive when the only thing I do is sit in class or work on homework.

I'm incredibly excited for my job. I hope I found my place :-)

This is Free, Take it, and Feel Better

by Bukowski.

Bad-natured people are everywhere like flies upon a dead horse in a hot summer
they are set upon objects, things, situations
in a rather congenial viciousness
that is most often mistaken for courage
but generally
(setting aside bad companionship, bad diet, bad breeding)
most acrimonious nerves (setting aside bad elimination of wastes and so forth) are caused by
failure.
and they fail
first
because they are simply incompetent at what they try to do or
be
and second
because of an educational system
and a
national philosophy which
beckons them higher than they are
able.
in other words, they are NOT failures
but unrealistic forces and demands make them FEEL to be failures
and so business is good for the
psychiatrists and psychologists
and the jails-and the mental
institutions
(which are only dumping grounds for the overload
like unhappy homes, thieves, skid row and etc.)
there is no such thing as failure, there is only the
comparative grind, there is only the CONCEPT of
failure
and a $175 an hour shrink won't even tell you
this
because
he's been taught by the book
just like his victim.

so take this poem and keep it somewhere for
ready reference

because it might not only save you
money
it might also save your
sad and angry
ass.

18 Days

I'm going to feel SO much better a week from Friday, once I've played my last 3 concerts, conducted the orchestra, finished and recorded my orchestration project, completed all of my homework assignments and presentation/rough draft for my DSP class (the incredibly difficult, yet interesting class), and, of course, my departmental honors project/presentation will be over.

Quite a lot to do in the next 11 Days.


BUT! Then I'll just have a paper, two final exams, and my brass quintet composition to finish. YAYAYAYAYAYAY!

As if I didn't need a reminder...

My peers are douche bags.

19 Days

I really enjoy getting the lint off the lint filter when I do laundry :-)

LATE

I'm always LATE. It doesn't matter that I have two alarms - they don't even wake me up, even though they're loud enough to be heard down the hallway.

My teacher told me to get a friend to knock on my door.

FAT CHANCE BECAUSE I HAVE NONE AND LIVE ALONE.



I know it's unacceptable. I know that she's going to dock my grade for it. I know it's my own fault. I don't want to get a bad grade because I can't get up for class in the morning, but I don't want to get an alright grade because my teacher pities me.


How am I going to survive in the real world if I can't function?



Everything keeps reminding me how mediocre I've become.

When you try too hard

to be the best of everything, you become the best of nothing.

no lunch

So I worked on my paper, composition, and various other things all morning and never got around to getting lunch. Too bad I'm in class from now 'til 8:30 PM and can't eat dinner 'til then.

Two weeks

I've been working so hard for so long and it seems like it's never enough.

I need an extra 24 hours a day to get everything done.

I'm tired of being behind no matter how many hours I put into everything. Every single hour of today is booked, and I can't find time to eat dinner.

Two weeks 'til classes end and finals begin.

23 Days

I'm going to feel MUCH better when this honors paper/presentation are finished.

GUESS WHAT

I AM OFFICIALLY DRIVING ACROSS THE COUNTRY IN 28 DAYS AND I LOVE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11

I HAVE A CAREER

And even though it's probably going to be the hardest thing I've ever done...


it's going to be amazing.




Thank you.
24 Days.

ARGH

I have lost all patience for people here. And I'm not handling it well.

Instead of being reasonable, I get bitchy.

And

it's 2 AM and I haven't started working on my composition yet. How many more days of just barely getting 4 hours of sleep can I pull off?

What's the use

When you're only a waste and a fool anyway.

I deserve what I get.

During the last year

I stopped believing in the system I used to trust. The Goodness of People.

32 Days

Idon'twanttogotograduationbecauseIdon'thaveasmanyaccomplishmentsasotherpeople.

Gonna make it

Just get to the end of the week. And then get through the next 100 years of life ;-)

Typical Monday

8 AM - work at library (finish reading assignment for class if time)
9 class
10 dry cleaners, post office, library to print hw, finish rehearsal plan
11:30 quick lunch
noon choir
12:30 rehearsal w/ guitar
followed by violin practice til...
2:30 - violin lesson
3 class
4 theater meeting - mandatory!
5 quick dinner
work on research paper 'til...
7 orchestra (have plan finished!)
9 extra small group music rehearsal
followed by individual practice until...
approx. 11 - FIND A WAY TO FINISH PAPER then work on composition 'til pass out from exhaustion at...1:30 or 2 AM

Tuesday - wake up at 7 AM and work on hw 'til class at 9.
etc.

The whole time

I work on my dept. honors research - Teaching Music to Students with Autism - all I can think is that I don't want my kids to face these difficulties.

Something more...

Previously unknown fact: I refuse to repeat blog titles.


Today someone casually told me to have fun playing my recital next week.

HAH! Have fun! The crazy thing is that such a thing hasn't crossed my mind in...months? I SHOULD have fun playing. Why doesn't that happen anymore?

My Secret

is that I think mean thoughts about the people around me.

I want to go back to the positive, open, unjudgemental person I used to be.

I need you to be able to talk to me. If you can't, none of it matters.

pretty please

Just a little...




Wish I had the comfort of a little more security. A little more confidence. Less weepy.

I wonder...

For being the most difficult and time consuming class I've taken that's unrelated to my major, it's certainly pretty interesting...

I keep wondering - if I was growing up in Communist Russia or China in the 1940sish...would I be communist?

I think I would buy into it, at least in China. I'm idealistic enough and would love the thought of equality. Though, I like to think I'd change once I saw that it wasn't working. You know, along the lines of Nemeth from Hungary. But he wasn't really Communist in the end.

?

It's hard to tell which I miss more right now...NYC and Broadway, or going to a DMB show.










At least I've got this strange Reggae CD from the library. Boom-Shak-A-Lak.