I spent forever chasing a connection

And it doesn't exist.

Mondayyyyyyyyy

I'm hoping I wake up cured.









Soooooooooooo what if I just think that having you around makes my life a little bit more interesting, a little bit more meaningful, a little bit easier, and a little bit happier.


Except for maybe that easier part
:-p

Becauseeeee

Frankly I just feel scattered and unfulfilled.

Simple Dimple

It's really quite simple when you think about it.

What makes one person happy doesn't make another person happy.  So we act on our own needs and they're unhappy, or we act trying to fulfill THEIR needs and we leave our own unfulfilled.


Is it possible?  Because...I really don't think so.

?

I

Don't 

Know

What's

Best

For

ME

I know I'm tired and grumpy.  

I guess I wish I had some quality time with you - I feel kind of like a stranger?

But maybe I should stay that way?  Nothing's really changed...

I wish I had the answers!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hump Day!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Not Enough Time....

I have so much more I want to do, but I'm so exhausted I cannot do everything I hope to do.


I hope this wears off


Dinner was fun :-)

Urgh.

I'll deal with everything in the morning.

Promises, Promises was SUPERBLY Super.  I met Sean Hayes - yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

I'm not looking for the confusion to go away, I'm looking for someone to be confused with.





Yeah - I'll get it all tomorrow.
Though...maybe I did OK through that whole situation.  I never blamed her - I think I stayed fairly rational.  I  guess that's something important, right?

That's it.  I woke up feeling SO AWFUL this morning - like there's a giant weight on my chest - it's because I talked to you - so this is IT.

I said it before, I'll say it one more time:  You're no longer welcome in my life.

Even when I TELL you what's wrong and things you could do to make me feel better, you DON'T DO THEM. I told you that I've never heard you say "I miss you," so what do you do?  ARGUE with me that you DO say it.  BS.  What the heck is your problem that you can't even get over yourself for a minute and tell me it yourself right then and there?  Even when I ASK, you STILL won't say it to me.

I WASN'T FRIENDS WITH YOU SO THAT WE COULD ARGUE EVERY FLIPPIN' DAY

I BEGGED you to come up.  It's a freakin' HOUR away.  ONE HOUR.  I don't CARE if you were home for dinner last night - you STILL coulda been here by 9 and you know what, I don't GIVE A DAMN if you were tired because when someone is telling you that it's OVER unless you change what you're doing and do something else, YOU DO IT.  YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN HERE, YOU SHOULD HAVE TOLD ME YOU MISSED ME, YOU SHOULD HAVE STOPPED ARGUING AND YOU WON'T.

The facts are simple, once again:  YOU DON'T LOVE ME.  You'd rather LOSE me than ever be anything beyond friends with me.

I LEFT SOMEONE FOR YOU.  I let myself be hurt for over 2 YEARS to stay in your life as a friend, even though I CRIED EVERY DAY because of it.  I BELIEVED IN OUR RELATIONSHIP as much as YOU believed in our friendship, and OBVIOUSLY I believed wrong.  SO DID YOU.

I CAN'T BELIEVE I wasted SO MUCH TIME WAITING FOR YOU TO CARE ABOUT ME WHEN OBVIOUSLY YOU CAN'T.

NEWSFLASH:  You're life is ONLY MESSED UP IN YOUR MIND.  You have SO MUCH going for you right now, and you complain that your mental state is TERRIBLE because you live at home.

WELL YOU KNOW WHAT?  OVER HALF THE PEOPLE WE WENT TO SCHOOL WITH LIVE AT HOME AND YOU DON'T SEE THEM BLAMING THEIR TROUBLES ON IT.

And anyway, YOU DON'T PAY BILLS.  YOU DON'T GO TO THE GROCERY STORE.  YOU HAVE DINNER ON THE TABLE, YOU HAVE PEOPLE 5 FEET FROM YOU THAT CARE ABOUT YOU SO DAMN MUCH, AND YOU HAVE FRIENDS NEARBY THAT WILL GO TO CONCERTS WITH YOU AND HANG OUT WITH YOU AND ENJOY SPENDING TIME WITH YOU.

I KNOW that you're still not over that stupid girl who spent SO MUCH TIME trashing you last fall on AIM.

YOU NEED TO GET OVER IT.  AND OVER ME.

I'm SORRY I'm such a NASTY, HORRIBLE person, but I CAN'T TAKE IT ANY MORE.

Time and time again, you just PROVE to me that you DON'T HAVE FEELINGS FOR ME and that I'm STUPID to be WAITING for you, because I'm just going to be LEFT BEHIND some day and I don't want to sit in the background and watch YOU and EVERYONE else find happiness because I stopped myself from moving on.

I DON'T CARE about the tickets, I DON'T CARE about the future trip, I DON'T CARE about my damn piano or the damn poster, because anyway those things are just going to upset me when I see them.

I CARE that YOU weren't around on my first day, and that YOU don't know what work is like at all, and that YOU don't  get to hear what I think about whatever's in the news anymore.  And I am SAD that I'm not there to hear those things about YOU anymore either.

I CAN'T BEG ANYMORE.  I CAN'T CRY ANYMORE.  I CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT ANY REAL HOPE FOR MYSELF ANYMORE.

If I have a horrible day at work, I need someone who WILL drive an hour just to take me out to eat to cheer me up, even if they worked all day.  I need someone who will understand that to me, HOME IS WITH YOU.  I need someone who will ADMIT to the world that they care deeply about me.  I need someone who will REMEMBER the things I mention casually that I want to do and MAKE THEM HAPPEN because they know it'll make me happy.  I need someone who's NOT AFRAID to say "I love you, too."

I have given you TIME, I have given you MORE PATIENCE than I have EVER exhibited in my ENTIRE life, I was there when you were upset about ANOTHER GIRL and I did my best to make you feel better even knowing that you were upset because you didn't care about me but about someone else, when you were sick, I DROVE 2 HOURS home in the dark JUST to make sure you were OK and to try to cheer you up...

I'M SORRY that it's ending so miserably, but I can't help it.

I have a NEW LIFE now, and I don't want to miss out on it's good parts because I'm waiting for you.

To me, every year it just seems like you care about me less than the year before.

Even in the beginning...you tried to sneak your way around your feelings for me.  You told me you had something to tell me, then you refused to tell me what it was and made me drag it out of you.  And I moved your arm around me - you wouldn't do it on your own.  And I felt like I had to force you to break up with your gf - I SHOULDN'T HAVE HAD TO DO THAT.  Even from the beginning, I shouldn't have had to do that.

Don't you understand...if you had just come here, I wouldn't have been able to say no?  I wouldn't have been able to leave?  Not if I saw you and talked to you in person...but you wouldn't even come here to save everything

You don't even know what my apartment looks like.

Waiting for you is DEBILITATING.  I lay around, unable to do any work, WISHING that things were different - it's UNHEALTHY.

I know you say I ask too much, but I know I'm only asking for what someone would do if they were in love.

I'm just TRYING to get it all out of me so that I can get up and be productive the rest of the day.

Even the journal...whatever you forgot that you promised to get me one, but even when I reminded you, you STILL didn't do anything about it????  "Oh I forgot!  Sorry!"  And that's it???  You don't even try to make it up to me???  What the HECK?????????  I DON'T want to post on this stupid thing, I want to write in a REAL JOURNAL.  But I never bought my own because I THOUGHT you'd take a hint and bring one up or mail one to me or something.

BUT YOU DON'T THINK THAT WAY.  YOU DON'T THINK OF THE SMALL THINGS THAT COULD MAKE ME SO HAPPY.

Not that you had to buy me anything...I just thought that you'd do what you told me you'd do.  I

I'm sitting here ACHING

Oh...it's heartache.

This is what people mean when they say heartache



You were there after my parents divorced, you were there when I was lonely, you introduced me to SO much new music, you got me into some GREAT literature, you spent hours figuring out the meaning of life with me, you were there to support me through my recitals, you were there when I couldn't make it through the holidays, I still have the song you wrote, you let me know I wasn't alone when I hated school and I felt completely alone and misunderstood, you took me to the doctor when I had the surgery on my arm, you held me up through last fall semester when I didn't think I would finish the semester and never graduate school, you encouraged me to apply for this job, you made me feel special when I didn't feel it, you invited me into your family and let me see what a healthy family could be, you bailed me out a BILLION times when my printer was broken or my computer went haywire, you sang with me and loved Sillyville with me, and when I felt like the only person in the world who doesn't drink heavily, and you sat with me at night when I felt like I was losing my mind, you gave me a safe haven in your room when I couldn't take my roommates or I felt like I wasn't going to make it through the night.  Because of you, I sit on the computer and I look for things to LEARN - I never used wikipedia for anything besides research for school before you.  In the beginning, you helped me get that radio show, and I play guitar more often now because of you, I explore new types of music and go to concerts now, I READ SONG LYRICS and look for meaning in them, I watch FILMS rather than movies, you took care of me when I was sick, I've got your little plant clipping next to my window, you inspired me to buy posters and fill my room with expressions of myself - art!  I look at art in a new way, and I eat SO MANY new foods because of you!  you remind me to appreciate the little things in life and to look harder at the world, of course - we went on the trip and you gave me the opportunity to go on an adventure I'd been DREAMING about for at least 6 years...and you gave me the chance to REALLY love someone, no matter what mistakes they made or how much we argued or that other people thought we were crazy, the chance to put someone else first, to learn from you - you let me see you at your best AND your worst and gave me the opportunity to know you better than anyone else on the planet knows you, and that's the MOST SPECIAL thing about what you and I had - that we saw each other at our bests and our worsts and we still stood by one another.

I miss you

but now I even feel alone when I'm with you :-(

Kind of ironic...


watching Annie Hall marked a beginning for us.







Figures.

My whole life, whenever I get upset, I get this OVERWHELMING desire to go home.

I AM HOME.

I just want my life to work out.  I'm wishing it away.

Well I guess I just read into things too much.







Everything that's happened has made me feel so horrible about caring about you.  Isn't it supposed to make me feel good?  I don't want to feel bad anymore!  I can't talk to you, I can't think about you

I'm SORRY.

I just want to feel like a normal human being

Still Angry.

Sooo I'd like to write about my thoughts on today being the 9th anniversary of 9/11 - I have LOTS of thoughts, especially as I was just near Ground Zero last week, and I sat in a park looking at the Twin Towerless NYC skyline this afternoon.  I watched a two-hour recap of news reports from the morning of 9/11/01 - I never actually watched them, since I was at school 9 years ago when it happened.  I've got a much different perspective looking back on those reports as an adult with a pretty good understanding of what happened then I did when it first happened.  It's almost more frightening as I look at it now...I think back then, I was upset about what happened and about the people that were hurt, but I just did not realize the widespread effect it would have.  I think...if I had been older when it happened, I would have been a lot more frightened about my own and my family's personal safety.  NYC was still far away to me when I was that young - I hadn't yet realized how small the world is.

Speaking of 9/11...I'm still disgusted by the crapola about the Mosque.  Among the millions of reasons that everyone needs to shut up and let it be built, I'm most upset because it shows Americans as hypocrites.  Although I know America is superly unperfect...I still have to believe that people believe in the rights our country was based on, and the freedom we claim to uphold.  I'm supposed to be teaching my students about our country and how we should be proud of it, and with all this ridiculous hate going on around here, I have to admit I'm more ashamed of my country then I ever thought I'd be.



In other news, I'm feeling terrible.  Part of me wishes I had just never answered - I wouldn't have spent so much time dwelling on it all today - I could have just gotten on with my to-do list.  I'm sorry that you're not happy with the situation right now.  There's not much I can do about that.  I wish I could help you understand the situation better.  At the same time, I just feel like things get worse when I try to explain - you don't understand how I feel, and you say I don't understand how you feel.  I can't handle this anymore - I don't feel like we ever get anywhere.

For some reason, it doesn't seem to me like you understand how painful this is for me too.  I keep thinking I'm being much too obvious - I thought my constant posts complaining about something related to you and I gave away that this isn't easy for me and that it's something I think about often.

How is it possible that an hour ago I was wishing I had Annie Hall on tape because I wanted to watch it?  I've never randomly thought that before...

I'm not trying to replace you - I could never do that.  I don't WANT to do that.

To be honest, it's hard to think about how upset you are because I don't want to consider that I'M making you upset - thinking about that might get me to change my mind. :-/

Some of our biggest problems (I think) stem from the fact that we're in two very different places in our lives right now.  You're at home, working to go back to get your 2nd degree, while I'm on my own starting a new career.  I know since you're home, you have certain obligations towards your family (heck, it's also because you guys are just CLOSER).  I don't have that, and I've never had that.  YOU'RE my family.  You're my family, and I'm alone out here and I eat alone every day, work alone every day, and go out alone.  I don't mind that much, but you're supposed to do whatever it takes to be around.

Oh I don't know - I'm getting tired and I'm all confused...I've got a million reasons to stay in your life, and only two for staying out: my mental health and my dignity.

In short, I wish you were here.  I procrastinated again and I'm physically and mentally exhausted.  I hafta buckle down tomorrow after I go to the museum in the afternoon.

It is what it is.

After everything we've been through, if you still can't stand up and say Yes...


There's gotta be someone out there who WILL
I left someone for you...I committed.

I thought you'd show up at my door.

You shoulda been here.  You shoulda made an effort.

I can't find a gym and it's terrrrrible.







I'm mad again.  It's not like you even bothered to do anything about it.  Obviously doesn't matter if I'm around or not.  Yes - I'm bitter that you didn't do anything to try and change my mind.

"Wishing Well"

Checked the newspaper today - my message was:

"You finally belong"







I've been waiting a long time for that

See, the problem is that I resent you because I don't think you follow through with me.  Heaven forbid you hear about a concert - you clear your schedule and figure it out asap.  But making time with me?  Out of the question.

"I love you.  I'll come visit you all the time - nothing could keep me away!  I'll call the gym for you.  I'll go to that Broadway show with you.  I'll..."
maybe that's all I've got, but it feels like more.  I would never let you down - it's not fair that you let me down. :-(

Fridayyyyyyyyyyyyy!

Wahoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo


Today was fine - lots of behavior management stuff...it wasn't super, but it was ok.  Not really any bad points, but I'm still not having fun with it yet.  At least it's FRIDAY!!!

It was good to see my friends tonight :-)

I've got this evening reserved for cutting coupons, doing the crossword, and watching TV (Reba's on now).  Very, very pleasant.

Cleaning my apartment and doing some work tomorrow - looking forward to chilling for a whooooole day :-D




My expectations were always just too high - it made everything worse, and if you can't meet those expectations it's just better if you don't even try.  I just expect too much.  This is for the best - if you can't find those feelings for me, then it's for the best.

In September for a while,
I will ride a crocodile,
Down the chicken soup-y Nile,
Paddle once, paddle twice,
Eatin' chicken soup with rice

Very tired.  Going to bed early - not as many classes tomorrow, so it should be OK.  Though...I believe I'm getting observed.  So...we'll see :-p

P.S.

I'm still awake.  I have some phone calls home and more work to do tonight, so it's not going to be a stress-free evening.  I think I'll be able to get to bed before midnight, though, which is GREAT news :-)

I got through it

So I survived, but it wasn't a great day.  A bunch of kids cried (ugh I can't stand that), a bunch more were sleeping when I got to their classrooms, all my classes were way loud (I'm really nervous about this one)...things just didn't really go smoothly.

I think my lesson on vibrations causing sound really got through to the kids (we did stuff with triangles - we could feel the instrument vibrating, and the sound stopped as soon as we put our hands on it), but I'm still way nervous.

Most of the other teachers are extremely supportive at least :-/

There's some more stuff from work, but I don't feel comfortable blogging about it.  It's nothing really bad, but I don't like talking about work here.  Overall, I really like the school I'm at and the kids are good - I just...feel more out-of-place than I thought I would in elementary school.

On the bright side, tomorrow's Friday!  I have Saturday totally free for sleeping and cleaning the apartment - that sounds SO amazing right now!

On the OTHER bright side, DMB's going to be on TV at 7:30!!!!!!!!!!!  Kaitlyn texted me this morning - she heard it on the radio :-)

Still Here...

Can I make it through 7 classes on no sleep?  I'm still not nearly done and I 'm supposed to wake up an hour from now

This is what I get for being lazy last weekend.  All of this could have been done before today :-(

Dozed Off Again...

:-(

I wish I wasn't carrying this by myself :-(


Btw I'm officially overweight and I'm disgusting but I don't know what to do about it...




This isn't fair, you know?  Why can't you be what I want?  Why??  I don't understand :-(

I hate feeling so alone

Uh Oh

I feel asleep while I was doing work, and now it's late and I haven't even STARTED the work I need done for tomorrow....





Get me through this week

Wait Wait Wait

...wait wait.


So tired - I have so much work to do...I hope I get to bed earlier than 3:30 AM like yesterday :-(

I hope I get through this week.

Holy Smokes!

Just saw a trailer for the new season of House - looks FANTASTIC - SOOOO FANTASTIC!

I can't wait 'til the 20th :-)






time to make dinner and take a little bit of time to read the paper.  If I don't find a printer first thing tomorrow...I'm in big trouble with my boss :-/

Oh boy...

So I survived today.  Nothing TOO terrible happened - no super breakdowns in class.  Not sure it went well, though (one kid was taken to the office - definitely didn't help my image).  Tomorrow I have MORE classes (Thursdays are my busiest days), and some classes are the first of the year and some are the second, meaning I'm teaching about a billion different lessons total.

I just...*sigh*...they're SO young.  I'm just less inspired by this age.  I don't understand them and I have little patience, especially when I'm already exhausted before class :-(

On the bright side, my 300 free folders came to the school today :-D  Now I'm just waiting on my notebooks, cart, and instruments (none of which were free, unfortunately).  Lots more work to do tonight, and my plans for the next 2 weeks are due tomorrow :-/.

My printer's still broken, and I desperately need it.  I might have to drive out and pay for printing again tonight :-(

I wish I had some Pizza Hut about now.






JOHN BUTLER TRIO IS OPENING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Time Out

I don't like that you know what I'm thinking and feeling but I have no idea about you.

scratchthat.

I don't want to know, I guess...not knowing says enough.



Why does everything I do cause disaster?

Can't I be a painter instead?  Or just practice?  Or just backpack??  Whatever happened to living off the land?? I think I'd like to do that...





help :-/

I have no lesson plan for tomorrow...

I'm not sure I want to do this for a whole year...


:-/

I want to be in a flash mob!

Gonna Be Up Late Tonight

took a long time to run my errands...I can't figure out where the evening went, but I just ate dinner and now I'm getting to work painting, coloring, stapling...and whatever else I have to do before tomorrow morning.


I'm waiting for you to show up at my door.

TV

Seinfeld's on and he was just dangling the end of his scarf on Elaine's nose...


:-p

First Day

Hola.

For the record, it didn't FEEL like a real first day - "specials" (most derogatory word for a class ever) didn't teach today, we just spent a few minutes walking from room to room and introducing ourselves.  Instead, I worked on my plans and things all day.  It was kind of a bummer - a very NON-exciting day that you would imagine would feel monumental.

However, as the day went on (and I was superly duperly productive during this day, I might add), several exciting things DID happen:

For one, when I went walking around from room to room saying hi to everyone, I got to one of the 4th grade classes and I started off my whole shebang..."Hi!  You don't know me yet because I'm your NEW..." and as I kept going, the kids started yelling out: "we know you we know you!"  Then they started to use some of the hand percussion stuff I taught them in JUNE!  I taught that class (back when they were 3rd grade) for 20 minutes one day in JUNE, and they remembered me!!!  But MORE importantly, they remembered what I taught them :-D

That was really encouraging (I love that class).  That, and some kids were so excited for a concert and for instruments that they threw their hands up and cheered :-D

Then, some not as exciting things happened.  The school's ONLY photocopier completely broke down.  As in...completely.  Won't be fixed 'til Friday (and only MAYBE at that).  Also, I was given a NEW schedule for TOMORROW that has different grades on it (argh) (argh argh).  These things combined mean that tonight is going to be superly stressful.  I only just got home, and I figured I'd take a minute to de-stress by munching on some yummy extra sharp cheddar cheese and saltine crackers :-D  And OJ (I love OJ)  (without pulp)  (and with calcium, in case you were wondering :-P).

Soooo I left work and went off to the main office downtown to check in AND get free stuff that was donated to my organization.  I walked out (only barely, though) with probably $150 worth of free stuff from different companies (Staples, Walmart, etc..).  I'm talking huge packs of pencils, pens, post its, 2 reams of paper, approx 100 folders, notebooks, glue sticks, paint, markers, crayons, erasers, an electric pencil sharpener...I'm not even sure what else I got but I definitely got it!  (someone had to help me in the parking lot - I almost didn't get the box to my car).  The great thing is just that these are things that I can use FOREVER...doesn't matter if I don't use it this year, I can use it next year and everything'll still be great.  Which is made even MORE great because in an hour or so I hafta head out to a store to pay something like $30 for photocopies of letters to parents and surveys and things for my students tomorrow.  Argh.

I'm fairly stressed about getting ready for tomorrow - I have 6 classes ranging from 1st - 4th, and I have a feeling it's just going to get more complicated as the week (and my crazy insane schedule) progress.  But I have an AMAZING poster I took a picture of that maybe I can get uploaded sometime.

That's all - lots to do.

I have to say...it's hard for me to feel sympathy.  I was reflecting on my horoscope that I got several days ago...it was something about how having my attention was something rare and special that should be valued.  That sounds incredibly mushy and lame, but then I thought about it and I realized something.  For 2 years now, I've given you everything I've got.  That's something that NO ONE else in the entire world can say...
When I think of it like that...when I think of how I chose to spend so much time with you, that I invested so much into us when I didn't have to, or when I could have done the same thing with someone else...it makes what we had seem so important.  The fact that I picked you out of everyone on the planet...it makes it more special :-/

I know the fact that you bothered to save our friendship after junior year means a lot too...but it doesn't cover up everything else I'm feeling :-(

It's a new day - it's my FIRST day!

Didn't break my promise - it's a new day technically!

My all-knowing horoscope strikes again:
Beware of your lack of lucidity; if you live difficult relations with your close ones, try to have some detachment so as to judge the situation with a maximum of objectivity: you'll then solve the problems more rapidly.Know that the existence of problems is not a problem in itself since living consists of continually solving problems.




I should've stayed away - I'm more upset right now than I was all last week.  I get so confused when you're supposed to be here and you're NOT.  It's ok though, because I'm waiting for someone who can give what I want to give.

There's gotta be someone out there who wants and admires me for exactly who I am - no ifs, ands, or buts about it.  I want one of those fantastico relationships where we build each other up and help each other be better people.  Like this quote: "...someone who inspires, who challenges, who sends you in search of some truer sense of yourself." - Steve Lopez (author of The Soloist)

I give up now - I'm making myself miserable.


...and I still need a gym - it's becoming a huge necessity at the rate I've been snacking, and I don't know what to do :-(

I want you to be happy so badly, but it conflict with how I can be happy.  Help!

I'm my only friend, am I?
Love is just a piece of time
in the world

52's a good number.

But the silence in me is screaming...

Last Post Today - I promise!

I can't come back this time.

It doesn't matter how I feel anymore about this - I've left too many times and just come right back, and nothing's ever fixed or better - it's still a mess, and I still feel the need to leave again.


I can't come back

I Wonder

Watching When Harry Met Sally for the 5th time in 2 days.  It's acting as a decent distraction (but not TOO distracting).  It's also full of false hope - yay for movies (I hope you caught the sarcasm).

Did I mention I stumbled across a letter dated September 9, 2007 this morning?  It was all about how I thought you liked me (you complimented my hair and a skirt I was wearing, apparently), and I was incredibly intrigued because you were such a nice, friendly person.

I guess I'm going to bed at midnight.  I hope tomorrow goes OK, because right now I'm REALLY not looking forward to it.






I wonder what our lives would be like if I had followed through in September instead of April?  Maybe the catastrophe would have been avoided, and we would have ended up perfectly happy.  But everybody knows the "if" game is a dangerous game.

This isn't what I want.  If I haven't made it clear, it comes down to this:  It's been two years, and I'm more in love with you.  I CAN'T be just friends with you, because my feelings means that we're not "just" friends.  I don't want to be frustrated anymore, I don't want to take things out on you, I don't want to be sad.  If I stay near you, I lose the possibility of companionship because you cannot give it to me and I prevent myself from finding it elsewhere.  If I stay around you, I WILL try to destroy any semblance of a friendship that we have left.

YES I'm being selfish. But I know that being friends with you, while I love it, it is NOT a solution.  Keeping things the same does NOT solve what's wrong.

I don't know what else to say.  It's not that I don't want to talk to you - it's that I CAN'T.

I don't think this should come as a surprise because I've been saying it for YEARS: I can't just be friends.

I'm frustrated and I don't want to do this anymore.  I'm strong enough to go now, so I need to go.

I wish you could be what I need, or I wish I didn't need what I need.  I want to feel close to someone again.  I want to feel safe with someone again.  I don't want to live on a hope that your hugs could mean something.  I don't want to wonder whether you think about me as much as I think about you.  I don't want to fear that you'll FIND what I desperately want with someone else and leave me before I'm ready to be left.  I don't hate you, I'll always care about you.

The way I feel, I feel I have no choice.  I want desperately for you to change that - I want you to be what I need.  But you can't be what you're not, just as I can't be "just" a friend to you.

Success!

I just went grocery shopping...all but three things I bought were on sale/I had a coupon for (some had BOTH!), AND I saved nearly $35.  Yes, I AM amazing :-D :-p

Time to eat dinner, watch Amelie, and finish things for school tomorrow.  I'm FINALLY being productive!

Two things:

1) I'm superly glad that I live with the people I live with.  We went shopping, and it was fun. (and money-saving. Did I mention money-saving??)  (and I bought hilarious glow-in-the-dark halloween bottles of hand soap that were also on sale.  They have bats and haunted houses on them :-D heehee!)

2) I can't believe how much someone else has ended up living what I always would have thought MY future would be.  Drum major of a world champion band, and good friends with George N. Parks??  I ALWAYS thought THAT would be me - that it WAS me - and now...I'm in a city and my job description does not include marching band (or band, at that!).  I'm not sure how I feel about it - does he have what I want?  Or have my wants changed that drastically?

 

Walk down that lonesome road all by yourself
Don't turn your head back over your shoulder
And only stop to rest yourself when the silver moon
Is shining high above the trees

DoneDeal

A long time ago, you made a decision that you didn't want me.  I made one too - I know what I want and what I need, and I know what's best for me.  I've got a new life now, and I've got people that want to be in my life.  It's time to let go.  

Stage 3

Woke up at 7 angry and I can't shake it.                                                                                                                  


"cause we have nothing left to weather."

Again

violent sneezing, accompanied by tossing and turning?

Nicht so gut.

Discovery!

I just found out that I have comments on some of my posts!!!  People read this?!?!?!  Who knew!!!!!








I DO wish I had picked up a new Moleskin before, though - official official official REAL work starts Tuesday, and I would have liked to document it.

I'm not sure how I feel about online blogs still - online journals, anyway.  On one hand, I love reading other people's - seeing your thoughts usually either inspires my own thought, or helps me realize the connections we have that we don't always see.  Plus I like knowing how you're doing :-)

On the OTHER hand - does public blogging affect the realisticism of my posts?  Knowing that others will see it may censor my thoughts.  And it's never the same as handwritten things, as previously discussed.

I need to STOP online blogging tonight in any case.

I wish I could express myself better.

I'm confused by my age and my emotions.

*itchitchitch*

*ITCH*

Someone Stole My Sunday Paper

I am not an afterthought.

Retrograde

I've had some time to think lately (8 hours in the car will do that), and for a few hours, I was feeling pretty darn good.

I like that Meg Ryan eats M&Ms in one scene of When Harry Met Sally.

I read a newspaper article about a new study that discovered that people who are getting over heartbreak exhibit the exact same brain patterns (in x-ray things) as people withdrawing from drug addictions.  It's time that I realize that this is NOT a special case - bajillions of people have felt this way too - just because I feel strongly about something, doesn't mean that I'm right, or that the world has to change because of what I think.  It's NOT going to.

My allergies, it seems, have only gotten worse.  After three weeks of constant itching and rubbing, my eyes are red, swollen, teary - basically a disaster.  I can't even wear my contacts.  My nose is stuffy, and my throat feels like it has hives all over it.  I know  that's gross (it's gross), but it's true - I just wish ragweed would disappear!

In other news, I'm still not motivated.  The few times I feel motivated seem to occur when I'm a million miles from my computer or other materials, and as soon as I return to them, the motivation disappears.  Tomorrow is going to be a long day.

"I'm not saying it didn't mean anything, I'm saying why does it have to mean everything?"  "Because it does, and you should know that better than anybody"

On a Lighter Note...

I made sloppy joes on Thursday and cut onions and my hands STILL smell like them!  I don't understand - I've washed my hands at LEAST 40 times since then, and I've showered several times too.  CRAZY.

Also, wouldn't it be neat to write letters like Kerouac and Ginsberg?  There's a lost art in letter-writing...email and twitter and facebook and all those ridiculous things just don't cut it any more.  You can't take out an email in 50 years to show to your grandchildren to tell them about the "good ol' days."  And EVEN if you could - they'd still be missing the handwriting and the type of paper and the envelope with a cool old stamp - all the character of the thing.

Argh

misunderstood, unappreciated, disliked, unimportant

how I feel

it's always words.

"Take It Back"

though I don't need to wonder, because I know the answer.

I want equality - I feel like I'm at the mercy of however you feel.  I want a chance to feel what I feel.

I know you think I'm selfish. 

I have a VISION of great happiness...it creeps in, even when I push it out.  

I still hope that pushing you away will bring you back to me.  I'm sorry.  When SHE went away, you wanted her back THAT way :-(  :-( :-( :-( 

I'm sorry

I'm accusatory, over-reactive, impulsive, and downright mean.

It's better this way - I can't come back because I know there's no way to solve it, and coming back will just keep us stuck in the same place we've been for years, and I don't want to be stuck, and I don't want you to be stuck because of me.  I KNOW this is the only option I have - the only way I can really cause change, because I know that trying to change myself isn't working.

That's everything, right there.

OH NO - if I rub my eyes too much, I could cause damage to the cornea or WORSE - I hope I didn't already do it because they feel weird and terrible!!

Though...

I'm getting better at the guitar!  I can even do a LITTLE bar chord!!! :-o

Work?

I'm not ready for Tuesday.  I seem to be lacking motivation.  :-/

c'mon c'mon c'mon prove it

I don't want to be right

I don't want to be alone in this...

not the way I feel

Allergies better go soon - my eyes aren't working right anymore

Still there

Turn the weather channel on before bed - I'm reminded of the Hindenburg our junior year.
Wake up in the morning, and I open my eyes and see the posters you hung, or the shelf you gave me.
Look in the mirror - you fixed those glasses.
Brush teeth - it was those little moments that always made it worth it.
Grab a bagel - I sure miss those mini bagels from the trip.
Pick up the newspaper - I still do the crosswords every day.
Get in the car - NPR's on, glad you introduced it to me.


...

Thoughts

I invested in a retirement fund and stocks today - I can't touch it for the next 38 years - weird.

My cholesterol is OK - it's not great, it's borderline not good, but it's OK.

"If I accept you as you are, I will make you worse, however if I treat you as though you are what you are capable of becoming, I help you become that." - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe.

Good for me to remember that with my students :-)

I gotta go now

It's true, how about that.

That night 2 and a half years ago. Every time it felt like you and me were the only two people left on the planet, and you were my link, my connection, to understanding. I was bewildered and enchanted and I gave in...and then I couldn't shake it - the feeling that you enriched my life and opened up so many new adventures and I felt ON TOP of the world, and even when I felt it all falling apart, I still felt that magnetism, the pull, and even when you were gone, I held on to it, but it always felt more like IT was holding me...

It held me

And even now, the ghost of that time lingers, and I'm drawn to the energy and the beauty and the imprint and the impact

Because it WAS beautiful - two lost souls clinging to dreams together

It's just me in the shadows now...and it has been for a long time. I'll keep my dream.

I don't mean to live in the old, in the never was. I line my pillows up at night so I can pretend you're still there and my pride aches. My dreams are what I live for

And it's surprising how time slips away.