Brrrrr

OK day, cruddy evening.

Incredibly cruddy.

On the...well, interesting side, anyway, one of our drum majors broke his collarbone playing soccer and can't conduct or march this weekend. Since taking our other drum major out of the show to conduct would leave us with two underclassmen trombone players on the whole field, I'm apparently conducting two numbers of our field show at the college football game on Saturday. It's been a long four years since I've been up on that podium - it's pretty strange. But, like I said, should be interesting.


I've really taken to wondering whether I should honestly just go to grad school next year. Sometimes the only thing I feel like I'm good at is being a student anyway, so maybe it'd be for the best. The thing is, I'm too stubborn to admit that the thing I worked towards for about six years now might not have been worth it.


Why complain about the clouds - we all need a little watering every so often anyway.

Chilly.

"No offense, but the students just won't listen if you're the one leading their color guard rehearsal."

You know what?! I AM offended. VERY offended. I don't care if that's the truth, I'm planning on BEING A TEACHER in less than one year, so if I can't effectively leading a rehearsal something is WRONG and I need you to help me FIX that! You signed on to take me, you AGREED to it - what do you want from me? I CAN DO IT. I KNOW HOW TO MAKE THEM WORK.

If I DO fumble in rehearsal, part of that may be that I'm SCARED to death of you and your counterpart - from day 1 you told me I had to do things YOUR way - I'm doing everything I can to do that, but I don't even know what your way IS most of the time and I'm so afraid that you're going to yell at me that I don't even want to get up in front of the class!

Don't make jokes about me being your "personal assistant" because most of the time THAT'S WHAT I AM and I feel like CRAP because of it. I'm not surprised students don't take me seriously, because most of the time one of you ignores me in front of them anyway - I wouldn't take me seriously either. I don't think I'm anything but a puppet - I understand that you are trying to teach me what you know, but I need some positive feedback, too! I need you to understand what I'm doing here! Throwing me into rehearsals isn't helping me learn to take control in unexpected situations, because I am only afraid to take control because I don't know what YOU want me to do. I can take control! But not when I am too afraid to do what feels natural.

I don't really understand how you could rip me to shreds week after week, then my supervisor comes in and suggests I consider going to grad school for conducting??? THAT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE!!! And I felt like the entire time he was giving me POSITIVE feedback you were sitting there DISAGREEING!

I know this probably isn't a cakewalk for you either - it's a weird situation and I know it'd be hard for me to be in your shoes. I'm not trying to criticize, I'm not trying to make a big deal out of it, I just want you to recognize that I am here and that I'm TRYING MY BEST. You're the people who watch me all day - can't you believe in me?

Musical Pet Peeves.

Alright...time to hear my stuffy complaints about recitals and concerts. I was planning on posting a rave review of a concert of a German Band I went to this evening, however by the time the concert ended, my opinion had changed. The musicians were superb, there's no doubting that. But a certain soloist felt the need to spray his slide during EVERY SINGLE REST he took. I wish I was exaggerating. I wouldn't have minded had it happened only several times, but by the end, I just couldn't watch anymore. I couldn't listen to the band because I was so distracted by his behavior.

I know I should be thrilled to have heard one of the most revered bands in Germany, as well as an internationally known trombone player, but I really can't let this one go. The fact that he needed to spray his slide THAT often indicates to me that he doesn't feel he can play properly without doing so...that he needs that spray in order to sound good. It was quite disappointing. I'm not trying to be judgmental, but it honestly affected my ability to enjoy the concert. I understand that some circumstances do call for quick adjustments or fixes, but this was to the point that it was completely unprofessional.

Hrmph.

In other news, I decided I'm going to be a conductor in my spare time. In addition to playing gigs and dabbling in arranging. I really hope it's something I could do well at - it's not going to be easy, but I think it'd be a great joy.

Surprising results at my first observation. Hopefully it's the truth and I really AM doing well, because I certainly don't feel like I am. In this chaotic whirlwind of a life, I'm doing the best I can to make a positive impact. I suppose the reality of the real world is more shocking than I expected.

Well, tests to grade, tests to write, garageband projects to create, and who knows what else is on my to-do list. Night night, sleep tight.

tired...

Between school, rehearsals, prep work, and county chorus stuff...I put in almost 75 hours last week. I wake up in the morning and put bags of frozen corn over my eyes so the puffiness will go down and I won't look tired, because if I do I get yelled at by my co-op.




I won't accept that it can't be OK. I spent the last year and a half waiting for it...because of what I know and what I believe in. I don't just let my beliefs go. I can't just give up on what was felt and said...what I feel now.





Help me find peace, and help me get through today.

Not much time...

...But a superly cool thing happened today!! I signed up to usher for the Santiago Rodriguez piano recital this afternoon, and since I ushered I got to go into an after-party for free!!! Not only did I get to have some free wine (while hanging out with my professors - how weird!?!?! I am so old, haha), BUT I met Santiago Rodriguez and we chatted and he signed my program and he was like..."if you're ever in Miami, give me a call!!!!"

neato!!!!!!!!!!!

He played beautifully, and during one of the explanations of the works he was performing, he made a comment about how Rachmaninoff's performances could never be repeated because they were from "a certain time and century, and played by a certain heart." I thought that was incredibly insightful...you always think about a performer's style and tendencies, and even the emotions they might portray...but not necessarily their HEART in the piece. Maybe ya do. I never thought about it in THAT light before, but I thought there was something magical about it, in a way. Probably because he's right - you can try all you want to recreate a performer's sound, but you'll never have the same heart behind the music.

I thought a lot about what I'd written yesterday - my praises of literature. And I realized that I completely overlooked the other arts - music, actual art art, etc...I talked about the wisdom and depth in the pages of novels, but what about the wisdom captured in lyrics during the short span of a song? Or the emotion portrayed so completely through music? And of course the emotions in a painting or sculpture or sketch?

That's what really separates us into us. Computers can do math problems or create things based on patterns...but they can't create based on heart.

Listening to great musicians do what they do...I must wonder - do we all have those capabilities inside us? Of course I'd like to think we do...but it seems impossible at times. Could I possibly hope to tap into just an ounce of Dave Matthew's ability to write lyrics?? Or Chopin's musical depth? Must we be born with such talent? Or can we find it along the way...

Autumn Rain

Woke up after a nap this afternoon to a warm autumn rain. Definitely one of the most beautiful types of weather we've got, right up there with the silent snows of December whose full moons light the earth and the sky.

After an exhausting week and morning, I fell asleep for almost 6 hours today, missed dinner, and never got around to all the work I meant to do. Decided to roll with it and spent some time reading Skinny Legs and All by Tom Robbins. Since December I've been alternating my reading material between Jack Kerouac, Kurt Vonnegut, and now Tom Robbins. The past two months, they've been contributing to my life as 1) Escape from the reality of school (both college and teaching-wise) and 2) Expansion of philosophical ideas during mealtimes. It simply amazes me that authors can produce such massive amounts of insight...the wisdom in only a few pages of any of those authors is enough to shatter my reality, never mind the amounts totaled from all of their books combined.

Take this quote from my first Tom Robbins - Still Life With Woodpecker:

• Humanity has advanced, when it has advanced, not because it has been sober, responsible and cautious, but because it has been playful, rebellious, and immature

or this one!!

• If you're honest, you sooner or later have to confront your values. Then you're forced to separate what is right from what is merely legal. This puts you metaphysically on the run. America is full of metaphysical outlaws.

I don't even know how to explain just how much I love these books...they're full of ideas like that, along with incredibly entertaining and wild adventures.

If you've never read any of these authors, Get Up. Now. Find your nearest library, and check out On the Road, Player Piano, and/or Still Life With Woodpecker.


In other news, I learned some eye-opening information this morning. A professional I work with has a spouse who's been diagnosed with cancer. This really reminded me how oblivious we can be to the lives of others...and brought up a perplexing question: Is there a degree to which rude behavior towards others is acceptable, providing that the perpetrator is dealing with serious problems? My first reaction is to say of COURSE not - we should all attempt to be kind, open, generous individuals no matter the circumstances we're placed in. But I can't help but feel guilt for secretly despising my co-worker when he's been less than helpful, now that I know the stress he's no doubt been experiencing. And I know there have been many times where I have handled situations very poorly because of unrelated issues I was experiencing in other aspects of life. I suppose the only thing anyone can do is give others the benefit of the doubt.

What complex creatures with complex lives wander our planet!!



I'm going to leave you (and myself) with this quote I've been pondering (another Robbins quote):
"When we're incomplete, we're always searching for somebody to complete us. When, after a few years or a few months of a relationship, we find that we're still unfulfilled, we blame our partners and take up with somebody more promising. This can go on and on- series polygamy- until we admit that while a partner can add sweet dimension to our lives, we, each of us, are responsible for our own fulfillment. Nobody else can provide it for us, and to believe otherwise is to delude ourselves dangerously and to program for eventual failure every relationship we enter."

New instructions: live with life, reflect on life, laugh at life. Repeat daily.

Wandering...

My plant's stem ripped apart recently. I ended up being able to salvage some of the shoots off the vine and now I have three small plants growing well where one dying plant used to be.

If only we could do that.

As the leaves fall from the trees...

Walked through a big pile of fall leaves on the way home from rehearsal tonight :-)

It's that time of year again...FOOTBALL!!!! :-p


Funny...for so long - well over a year - I had convinced myself that this September would come and everything would be alright. Senior year would have settled in it's seat and so would the rest of my life. With less than a week now to go and the universe still in misalignment...I'm pretty sure things just are the way they're going to be.

Picking this month was a method of coping, I suppose. If I told myself over and over that all I had to do was wait and it would all be OK...then I didn't have to worry so much about what was wrong at the time. The problem was that as time crept closer and closer to my deadline and nothing seemed to be OK, I panicked.



Had a very interesting day - not what I expected, but not at all bad. I might just get the hang of this whole education thing. Though I'm not sure the education thing's gonna get the hang of me - mwahaha!! :-p hehe :-)



There's nothing left to lose, so I might as well keep betting.

Hello Again

Got a nice, cold glass of OJ (pulp free, of course) and finally sitting down after a long day. One of those days where everything was so up and down it's impossible to tell if it was a good one or a bad one. Just for the heck of it, might as well round up and call it a good one :-) I got my new DMB CD, anywho, and it's got a darn good version of Sweet Up and Down with rockin' alternate lyrics. Plus other fine tunes, of course.

Still pretty beat, with all my lesson plans and a test to write tonight.

I had some of those moments today when I felt like everything was going great, until I realized all I'd really done was epic fail. Kind of like when you think you ace a test, then get it back the next day with a big, fat F on the front. But we're over half way done with the week, so celebration is in order!

There was a sort of...eureka! moment today in teaching. Though maybe not with QUITE as much vigor, haha. I was grading tests, and it was killing me. I REALLY want these kids to succeed. I want them to do well, I want them to be proud of themselves and their work...and I'm doing my best to help them be successful. During our review yesterday, I basically told them EXACTLY what was going to be on the test. And still, I'm getting RIDICULOUS answers to questions that we answered EVERY SINGLE DAY in class for the last week. I can't understand it. I don't know if it's ME or if it's them. Mostly I lean towards me. And so I try to give as many points as I can when I grade. If they're at ALL close, I give them at least half credit. Or if they answered incorrectly, but if I think about it I understand how they misinterpreted the question I give them the benefit of the doubt.

Then it hit me.

How is that helping them? I'm not saying I should be a hard a**...but...why not demand that they study? If they had studied, they would have gotten at least a B. MAYBE a high C. They just had matching and fill in the blanks. That's doable. Then maybe...if they worked hard and actually did well because of their own efforts...then they'd feel pride in themselves. Maybe that's better for them than letting them half a** their way through the course. Just thinking out loud...jury's still out on most of my teaching philosophies. And I don't yet know how to push kids the right way...we'll see. Time will provide some answers. It all seems to be a pretty delicate balance.

Anywho...there's work to be done.



I guess all we can really do is to do the best we can.

Hello World

Howdy. After being isolated to the point of despair (and being inspired by a friend), I have decided to return to the blogs.

What am I doing?

Why am I doing it?

Am I going to be able to do this for the rest of my life?

At the point in my life where I feel like I should be pulling everything together, I'm suddenly being pulled apart. I HATE what I've worked for these past 5-6 years. And while hate might be a bit of a strong word...I feel like I'm going through some sort of midlife crisis where I've been set in my ways for forever and I turn around and realize that it was all empty.

There ARE good moments. And things will be different after the first year...after this year. But I can't help but see that so many things that I stand for are NOT SUPPORTED where I'm headed.

What kind of strange, hybrid creature am I?

Though I crave stability and logic, I long for adventure and...well, no, I definitely like logic ;-) But oftentimes it seems my logic conflicts with everyone elses.

I'm incredibly idealistic, I know. I've got this huge romanticized view of the world, but at the exact same moment I've got a sneaking suspicion that all my hopes and dreams are just one big fallacy.

How am I going to travel the world? How am I going to CHANGE the world? How am I going to stay to true myself AND some of the goals I have?

I used to be so incredibly confident in myself...now I just feel timid and unsure. Maybe I bloomed too soon? I'm burned out at the ripe ol' age of 21?

How about this...I know the FEELING I stand for, the swell of emotion inside me that tells me I've got to do SOMETHING...but I don't have a way to pinpoint the specifics. And for a planner like I am...that's not so simple to accept.

I don't want to lose myself at my core. I don't want to lose the qualities of myself that I liked...and I'm afraid that my career path will put me on that track.

I want to be strong again. I wish I could ignore the questions I hear in my head. If I couldn't trust the innermost feelings in myself...how can I trust ANY of me? How do I know what's best? How do I know which path to take if my instincts have already been proven wrong?

I need some perspective, haha. I'm not at the end of a cliff with a millisecond to make a decision. Dear self: Take a chill pill.

Thank god for music. Surprisingly (though it SHOULD be obvious), one of the things that's helping me the most is the ability to make music in my (nonexistent) spare time. I wish I could take a sabbatical from the real world to just sit and learn - there really is nothing better.

I'm doing this because I want students to succeed.

I'm doing this because I do believe in some things - love being one of them.

I'm doing this because I want to live life.