Well I believe it's love that's hiding here

I

need to connect again






I stopped believing

nononononononononononono


goaway

Give me my Dignity

Oh no...


it feels wrong...



what am I going to do

SO

TRAPPED.





How can I get out

How

was I so wrong? So stupid? So blind?

The ending of the old decade.

Quite a decade.






Funny, the only thing I can think about should be so trivial.

I'm on my way out - no worries.




I just want to get AWAY

Fed up.

No Need

Crystal Clear
Understood


Compassion, support...
Learned so much
Grew up a lot :-)


All so silly now.
I know.

This idea...

makes me feel like I'm running away.

The Masses.

I've always felt that I've been a part of "the masses" - the masses are all encompassing...so we MUST be a part of them.

Tonight I thought about that. Then I started wondering...how are those masses divided up? I mean, I'm certainly in one of the small masses - or so it seems. But what defines that mass? Our backgrounds? Our education? Our music taste, age, favorite color, shoe size, number of piercings, goals, gender or sexual orientation? ALL of these things???


All I can figure out is that either some/one of these defines the mass permanently, or the masses are ever-changing.


But obviously these masses can be broken up. And when you break them up using more specific definitions...

well...

there's just ME in my mass.

Sometimes

(yeah, I know...and it's funny how good I feel some moments and how bad I feel others. I'm just another fool)


...I feel frustrated.

I want to...

move into my own apartment as soon as possible???? Oh yeah!!! Thanks for reminding me.

The Broken Road

I think that everything DID happen for a reason.

Because of the experiences I've been through, I know a little better how to help others going through it as well. I've grown - I know more about what I want, but most importantly - who I am. I'm stronger. I wasn't at first...it's taken a long time...but I'm stronger than I was before. It'll be harder to break me. I WON'T break!

That's what all these years are for anyway, right? To learn who you are? So that when the time calls for it, you'll be able to answer for yourself.

Well, I'm getting ready.

:-)

It's a Wonderful Life

Classic and wonderful...reminds you what the important things are.


I suppose that's kind of how I always imagined my life would be...there'd be all this hardship and strife, but I'd come out of it strong and with lots of love and happiness. Seems kind of silly? But I can't help but hope for it, haha.




I can't really describe how I feel about things anymore. It's better than it was, and I guess that's the most important thing. This spot I'm in gets to me sometimes. But that's OK, because I'd rather be here than somewhere else.


Merry Christmas

finished

This one's gonna take awhile to sink in.

Just a few hours now

We're not always spot on, but we DO always catch up with each other.


Let's keep that - that's the important thing.

Feeling kinda strange

...all this stuff makes me feel kinda weird about it all.

When will it be my turn? Will the point come that I'll feel alright in one?




It still changes so quickly.

Wrap Up

Literally...because I wrapped presents today...:-p hehe

Sitting here with my letter of rec - ohhhh yeah ;-)


Finishing everything up tomorrow. Mostly having parties and doing fun stuff.

WOOT!!!!

Someone baked me cookies :-D And I have Christmas cards and a candy cane and lip gloss (have I mentioned I love middle school kids?).


Still a lot of packing to do...and grading, haha. Room's kinda a complete mess...but that's ok :-D I don't really want to leave tomorrow...but I'll see them again.


Very excited about some of the work I've seen kids do. I miss my one colleague though...doesn't feel right without him there. Besides, the replacement is following me around and it's bugging me. I'd prefer to be left alone again, haha!!!

Worst thing ever??

Defrosting my fridge.

Mindblown

I can't believe it.


After three years, this feels so strange. I mean, I've come to terms with what happened...it's just so surreal to think that well...it happened again, but to someone else.

I wonder if you feel like I felt. A lot has changed since then.


What a mystery tomorrow is.


...and how little we often know of others, even when we're sure that we've got them figured out.

Maybe everything DOES have a way of working out?





In other news...I'm not NEARLY ready to go home (well...mentally I'm ready, packing-wise I'm not haha). Tomorrow is going to have to be an on-task day.

2 days. Wow.

Finality

doesn't exist.

I try

4 days

Bittersweet.

One week.

Exactly a week from now, I will be sitting at home - COMPLETELY finished with the past few months.

It's not that I WANT to be done...I just want to be done, hahaha. What I mean is, this took a huge toll on me, both mentally and physically. I'm going to miss a lot of things about it, a lot of people...but I need a chance to relax. I need some reflection time to put it all in perspective. I haven't had that chance because I've been so busy living from day to day. The way things are right now, I can't work ahead and I'm always struggling to get through the day.

I was reminded again how bad the job market is...:-/ All I can do is trust that I've done the absolute best I can for the past 5-6 years to prepare myself for this.

It was hard to hear the truth about what some of the kids think about me. It's too late at this point - I can only try to figure out what went wrong in order to prevent it from happening again.

Trying to figure out the rest of the week and how to wrap things up...I went to the store today, and realized JUST HOW CLOSE it is to Christmas. Nearly blew me away - for all it matters to me right now, it might as well be July.

Tomorrow's my last Thursday.

5 Days, 1 Concert.

always.

Bah Humbug.

Alright...I'm sick. It sucks. I went to school today, but I'm incredibly congested...my eyes are all red, and my head's superly congested, and I can't breathe. I'm REALLY hoping I sleep it off. Especially because it's a busy one this week (and my last full one!).


Aside from my cold, things are OK. Frustrated that a high school choir is better than a more mature choir (the one I'm technically in). Frustrated that I can't hear problems in music that others seem to pick out easily.


I must say, I love this place empty. It's GREAT. I don't feel any obligations, I don't feel lonely (funny how it's easy to feel lonely when there are many people around, but perfectly content when you're on your own) - it's peaceful. Nobody bothers me.


...see what I mean about isolating myself. Can this be good for me??


Speaking of isolating...not sure what's going on in other aspects of my life. Can't deal with this problem anymore - that's for sure. No, actually. It's not that I CAN'T deal with it...it's more, I REFUSE to let it control my life ANYMORE. It has now been moved to the past, and it's not coming back - it's been overdone to the extreme, and there's no more good about it. *wipes hands of situation and moves on*


Well, I think that most of the time I've spent writing this has actually been devoted to filling up whatever space is left in my trash can with tissues. I'm calling it a night.


7 days, 1 Concert.

Every moment I spend with you is beautiful.

It's all so bizarre...

What a weird feeling. What a strange acceptance. What a difficult situation.


I want to be able to give in to my desires.








9 Days, ONE concert :-)

(I'm going to miss this)

Here we go again...

Round two tomorrow night.


Long day today, long day ahead.


That's OK though.


Here I am, here I've been.


It's strange...while growing up, I never imagined that I'd feel like the only one. You don't realize that everyone's going 'til they're gone.



10 Days, 2 Concerts.

Snow is so peaceful

Another busy day, and many more to follow.

Getting a little antsy. Hope it's not all in vain.

Who the hell knows anymore, anyway, lol.
11 Days, 2 to go.




I'm just looking for someone who can share these big dreams :-)

I know...

...that it's only a matter of time.

I know that pushing it to the back of my mind is probably only going to make it worse in the long run.






I just want to enjoy what I have for the short time I'll have it.

Feelin' Good

So tonight went VERY well, if I do say so myself. More well than I anticipated.

It felt good to be up there. I felt more in the moment then than I have in a long time...you know what? That might have been that moment I was talking about a few days ago - that moment of affirmation.

In any case, we're down: 12 Days to go, 2 Concerts to go.

I'm beat. Last observation tomorrow - I feel ready, but I could definitely use a good night's sleep.





Bing Crosby has a lovely voice, even when he's not singing Christmas music :-)
I think there's something to that Foxtrot.

What a day

Day 6 calendar candy - mmm!

Well, a ton of stuff happened today!


I got most of my goals for today finished, and I feel more organized than I have in a while.
I went to a major concert - it was incredibly strange to NOT be a part of it...and I think it's going to be even more strange when I go back next semester. So many new faces...I'm a stranger in my own home here.
I began reading a new book which is proving to be both incredibly captivating AND thought provoking.
I watched an old home movie from 8 years ago - that was a really strange experience. It's hard to watch myself from back then, to see who I was - I certainly didn't fit in, that's for sure. Doesn't seem like much has changed :-/ Good to know I'm a better musician, though :-)
One of the most important events of the day - I think I helped :-) Talking like that means SO much to me - I'm so thankful we can still do that.

Overall...I had a GOOD weekend here. I think that might be the first time I've said that since the semester started. What does that mean? Will I be OK next semester??


In any case...13 Days still to go, and the first big one is TOMORROW NIGHT. Getting a bit anxious (but also really excited :-D)...wish me luck :-D

How fast it all changes...

It's very difficult to watch this happen, especially knowing that there's nothing I can do.

A lot of Good.

Found some happiness where I didn't expect it today.



Strange thinking back a year.



Lots to do tomorrow - a big week is here!

All was well...

...today at school. No problems - things seemed to go very well on all fronts.

Actually, things didn't just go well at school - EVERYTHING today went well.



So why do I still feel so crappy?



I don't understand why it is SO imperative for me to have a connection with people. Wasn't I alone most of the summer? Why was that easier? Maybe it wasn't...I think I'm wishing for something that I didn't even like at the time, haha. Imagining that things were better than they actually were, I mean.

It doesn't help that I often feel five years (if not more) older than I really am. Which leads me to my next eternal question...How are we all alone together??



13 Days, 3 Concerts.

(I've officially survived 15 weeks :-D)



**Edit:

Enlightenment?

During my young adulthood I became aware that my parents do not have friends. I've heard my own friends comment along the same lines regarding their families, and their opinions that it causes tension between family members.

Given my current situation, nothing has become more clear to me than the fact that one person cannot fulfill all of another person's needs.

Therefore, everyone needs multiple friends and multiple groups. It is impossible for two people to have a healthy relationship if they have themselves and no one else. Even if they're great together, there are going to be moments during which they don't exactly mesh. Without anyone else around, they're going to become frustrated and bitter with one another during these moments.

Relationships cannot last without other relationships.

Hah! I've spent so many YEARS struggling with this - not necessarily the comprehension of it (of course it all makes perfect logical sense), but the emotional understanding and acceptance of it (if THAT makes any sense :-p).


Hmm. This could have been a very good 5 minutes of reflection. This may just transform my future.

I miss...

people, and I miss myself.



14 Days, 3 Concerts.

Blackout

11:37 PM, Dec. 2nd

Day 2 of my evening ritual.

Well…sort of. The power’s been out for hours, there’s an incredibly loud generator outside my window, and I couldn’t do half of the work I wanted to because I am without internet (and unless the power kicks back on, I’ll be out of computer too :-p).

But, here I am in my pjs, with my advent calendar (chocolate from day 2 – woot!), and some of the best music around.

Although things weren’t wonderfully great today, they were alright. That seems to be the new way to go, because that’s kind of how things have been for the past few weeks. The biggest concern I have is that I don’t go into school feeling great. I don’t leave school feeling great. I don’t feel great during my lessons. But I’m not going to let that discourage me (yet). I’m going to give this a good and thorough try before I change my track.

I DO miss those moments of affirmation – the moments when you think, YES, this is what I’m doing and I know it’s what I should be doing. But I guess one can’t have them all the time.

The days are winding down. There’s an end in sight. It’s making me nervous, but I’m still thinking slow, which seems to be working.

Who knows what the future holds…”what’s the use in worrying, what’s the use in hurrying.”



15 days, 3 concerts.

Somewhere Bound

Back at school.

I originally thought that break would be good for me - relaxing and refreshing.

I was blown away when it somehow ended up being more difficult. It wasn't that spending time with family and friends was bad...because it wasn't. But I finally realized how distanced I am from my previous life at home, especially because I lived at school this summer. I haven't REALLY been home in over a year.

Seeing the high school kids - I felt SO OLD. I got lost driving through my own town (sheesh)...I felt farther than ever from the kid I used to be.

Coming back here was a challenge. I don't know how to de-isolate myself. Sometimes I don't WANT to de-isolate myself. Going back to school was a challenge. I still feel like a failure when I walk into the classroom. I'm frustrated - I'm scared that this isn't the right path I'm supposed to take.

I'm scared for my family - the economy is really hitting us hard.

The anxiety came back this morning. I had to sit in my car, breathe deeply, and focus on taking things one step at a time. Luckily, my horoscope told me to take things slow...not at a walk, but at a crawl. Thinking like that helped calm my nerves.

Even though my life may not be organized, my room is (for once), and that's kind of relaxing to come home to. I'm focusing on my music...I'm going to start meditating again...I need to find that ability to calm myself. I know it's in me - I just need to uncover it again.

This quote means a lot to me right now:
"Sometimes the things that may or may not be true are the things a man needs to believe in the most. That people are basically good; that honor, courage, and virtue mean everything; that power and money, money and power mean nothing; that good always triumphs over evil; and I want you to remember this, that love... true love never dies. You remember that, boy. You remember that. Doesn't matter if it's true or not. You see, a man should believe in those things, because those are the things worth believing in.

If I'm living in a world in which those things aren't true...well, sometimes we have to believe in stuff like that - the alternative is too ugly.

"Let us live for the beauty of our own reality!!!"





16 Days, 3 Concerts.



P.S. I have a confession: I'm feeling very protective of my friends at the moment.

Home Again.

It's Thanksgiving, so I'm back here and doing the "tradition" thing.


Some very good times...


yet it's also very strange.








Something REALLY good might be brewing here.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

I had an amazing weekend.

*Insert look of despair here*

I feel so removed from people. I want to feel connected again.






Where is my connection?

One More

I forgot the tranquility I had over the summer when I was one of approx. 25 people on campus. I had my lovely little (well, actually pretty large!) room, a fairly relaxing job, the gym, my own regular schedule...

It was nice.

I think I can find that peace again.


Scratch that. I WILL find that peace again. And soon :-)

Worn Out.

I wake up so early, I work all day...I stay 2 hours after work to do MORE work...I don't eat lunch. I grab dinner, but it's never filling (no matter how much I eat). I work some more, but I'm so exhausted I can barely get through it. I drink frozen cokes and munch on chocolate so that I can stay awake to (mostly) finish it. Then the whole cycle begins again.



I dream of rest.

Do I fit?

There seem to be so many lonely people. Why is that?


There are so many creative people out there. I see the intensity of their living, their expression...I envy it.

I feel very boxed in.

I would like to be a hippie. But my own version of the hippie.

I'd like to follow my whims.

I'd like to paint the world...



I always knew this was there, I just never had such a need to let it be known.

So if I outgrew this place, where do I belong? Is this all just a phase?

Maybe school is unhealthy. It's nothing of the real world. Maybe that's its failure.



Sometimes I don't know who I am or what I'm doing here.


Let's think. I'm here because I believe in passion. I'm here because I want others to know it as well.

I'm confused because I'm not sure how my passion fits into my life anymore.

I'm looking for peace. Sometimes I think I've found it...other times I think I'm just a fool. Most times I think I'm just a fool.

I often feel most lost when everyone around seems to be found.

I really like this.

For now, I'm happy this way. I hope I can stay like this for a while.





22 more days. Though now I'm a little more afraid for it to end than I previously thought.

Less than 6 months now and I'm out in the "real" world.

I feel more like a hippie every day...not sure how that's going to affect everything.



In the meantime, I DO love the holidays :-)

wowwie kaboodles

holy moly.

Choreographer hired for the district danced on Broadway for Bob Fosse.


Super incredibly nice and down to earth.


I spent a good half hour discussing the state of our country's education system with her (in case you didn't realize, it's falling apart).



These are the kinds of conversations I need to have every day.

Relax

Put on some Paul Simon...grab a bag of M&Ms and your warm blankie...





One step at a time. I will be OK. Life will go on. I will find peace.

Bittersweet Existence.

Settle down, soul. Lots to do tomorrow.

Today I want to...

crawl under a rock.

Some good news today.

Finally :-)

!!!!!

So many good songs and so little time!!!!


Bringing in Danny Boy performed by the King's Singers and Sing Sing Sing for my middle schoolers tomorrow - hope they like it :-)

P.S.

I have a secret love of British Isle music...

currently binging on Marie's Wedding (Van Morrison and the Chieftains). It's so joyous!

Forgotten Music

lost an hour or so tonight randomly searching through youtube and my iTunes...

I forgot how amazing Michael Jackson was. Blows my mind.

Kinda started back on a Led Zeppelin phase - dammmmmn good music.




And now I have a new possible dream...I would absolutely love to start and run a music place for underprivileged kids. We'll see. It's a thought...a GOOD thought.



Still lots of work to do tonight. Wish there were about 10 more hours in the day, but what can ya do. Nighters.

I think it's absolutely hysterical

that I spend time creating "ultimate setlists," predicting future album releases/tours, and comparing songs from a year like 1998 to 2005.

Maybe I did.

Maybe it happened again. But I believe that someday it will be different.

I am doing the best I can.




In this world of chaos and nonsense...
I believe that the best we can do means everything.

Just Be Thankful.

Let everything else go.


Just be thankful.

Under no circumstances

will I ever leave you. 100% impossible.

Maybe that makes me weak. More importantly, it means that I put a weight on you. If I had the strength, I would take it all away, I would lift it up and away.

I want to tell the world


I LOVE YOU


and it's the most wonderful, beautiful, soothing, inspiring, encompassing love I can hold.

And I AM crazy - with the passion bottled up inside me.



Your soul speaks to my soul.



Take my hand and hold on tight.

You are my

inspiration.sourceofenergy.confidante.muse.rock.voiceofreason.lover.teacher.companion.friend.


A great overture.


It's impossible.


I'm a fountain of love.











What's the new American Dream? What's MY American Dream?



I must be crazy.




I miss my students too.

Bittersweet

..."collisions are transformative. A relationship can occasionally fulfill a person, but only a collision can transform them."

So many things

to think.

Falling asleep to Eric Clapton's Unplugged.



But I know that it's not real
It's just an illusion



Things are alright. A busy couple of weeks are ahead...hoping for some relaxation soon. Out of nowhere, the guitar's helping. And my reading, of course :-) And my friends.

I hate

this situation.

On the Other Hand...

I just want to come home at the end of the day and sit next to you in bed and laugh about our days and dream of the possibilities.


I'm not going to change my mind about you. I KNOW that we've got something special and GREAT. And I'm OK if you don't know that right now. Because I've got faith that you're going to figure it out sooner or later.


That's the only possibility that I can believe in: losing you is not an option.

On One Hand...

I feel more confident about school than I have...since school STARTED this year. I'm back to my old sleeping habits (aka...up late doing work, but working HARD and creatively), which signals to me that I'm doing better mental-healthwise. I'm no longer sleeping 10 hours a day only to feel EXHAUSTED. I'm getting...5 hours of sleep, but I feel spunky :-)

I put the sheets on my bed this weekend for the first time in 2 weeks. I hung up my laundry for the first time in weeks (I'd been leaving clean clothes in piles to get wrinkly...but I couldn't bring myself to pick it up). I've got an objective for MYSELF, not just my lesson plans. I'm going to make it to next semester: only 36 days left. Which is NOTHING.

I've finally answered e-mails, returned phone calls from home. I feel a little happier while making up lessons. I'm reading books on how to improve my conducting...keeping lists of future notes...writing on sticky notes...

The strange thing...is that this turning point came as soon as my boss gave me positive feedback. I just needed a little..now I can forget about the negative comments. I'm not proud to admit that one little comment and a smile completely changed my attitude and state of mental health...but I think it did.

Toss and turn

all night long.

Please sooth my restless soul.

The truth is

that I care more about you today than any of the yesterdays.

Sometimes when I get scared, I pretend I'm holding your hand and I can almost feel it in mine.

My dreams were too big for the two of us. And that's the biggest truth of all.

Why

...exactly four months ago, did you write down that I looked nice?

Oh dear

How can I keep this up any longer? I'm doing my best...

If I'm going to keep being here...I need all the strength I can muster.

I know there's no hope for me.




The loneliest feeling is the knowledge that I've been standing here for so long with my arms outstretched for the person who will never come.

I think this is an important thought I had.

You know, I don't think the term "love" even applies to anything between you and I anymore? Because what you are to me...is my partner in crime (theoretically :-p), my partner on adventures (esp. concerts and driving across the country), and my partner in understanding life and facing the ups and downs that we go through every day. And really, you know, that's the most important kind of person there is, because without that we'd probably be more lost and confused than we already are! And so I hope you don't mind that's what you are to me, even though it may be temporary, and even though it might not be the best circumstances, and even though we argue and don't always get each other. Because we still always will be two different people. We're just two different people with the same goal - to get through it happily, and to help our friend get through happily too, however that may be.

Sundays

...are always a bit wistful.

I wish we could have found a way to fit together.

Screw

...YOU college. For being complete *#@*)@%) to the students you CLAIM to care about and want to teach.


Ridiculous.


I can't stand the ignorance out here. I can't STAND it.


I DON'T want to live in a society where this is accepted!


I'm fuming right now.


In addition to that, I'm at a loss for words regarding our situation. I don't know what to think or feel anymore. Plus, I'm starting to think something is seriously wrong with my hand.


I'm not OK with what just happened.

No.

Unacceptable. No no no no no. You told me you'd be here the whole time. You already canceled on me twice. YOU TOLD ME you'd be here. Quit taking me for a fool - quit changing things on me - quit making me feel unworthy of even a stupid 2 hour drive. One visit in six months is NOT enough for a "best friend." It's not enough! I deserve more than that!

This is ridiculous. Completely freaking ridiculous. Have I not made myself clear? Have I not told you how important this is to me? Have I not told you how disappointed I've been in the past? YOU COMMITTED TO COME! FOR THE THIRD TIME! YOU picked the date. YOU picked it. I didn't ask you to come up - YOU told me you were. QUIT BRINGING ME DOWN. Quit taking it back! LEARN TO COMMIT TO SOMETHING BECAUSE IT'S NOT FAIR TO OTHERS WHEN YOU BACK OUT AGAIN AND AGAIN!

If that's the best you can do for me, then forget it.

The Truth Hit

...when the nurse told me I'd probably need someone to help me put the bandage back on.

Woah

Just signed on to check my horoscope before bed. As I was clicking my way to my fav website, I hit the wrong link and ended up on the description section of my sign. I briefly looked at the character traits associated with it (enthusiastic, charismatic, etc...), and immediately felt unhappy with myself. I used to think of myself as someone who embodied those traits. Now I mostly just feel like I never fully succeed at what I'm doing.

So I clicked on my actual horoscope for today (Friday), and laughed at the very first words it says - "Be confident: it would be absurd and even dangerous to worry about unhappy events which will probably never take place!"

My horoscope knows me better than I know myself sometimes.

I'm gonna go in there...

and be ME!!!! Look out, co-ops. I'm back!!

Trying something new...well...

old...well, mostly just trying to remember something I've forgotten: optimism.

My horoscope reminded me that such a thing used to exist, used to be pretty darn THERE every day of my life.

It's pretty shocking that I let it disappear so completely, when it used to be so completely ME.

I'm gonna get it back. I'm going to remember how excited I was at the very beginning of this experience.

I'm gonna get my groove back. Yeahhhhhhh.


:-p

Well...

according to my dept. I seem to suck lately. Shame on me. I just hope every day that I get out of this with my enthusiasm and love for education intact.

The Big Question.

As a friend so correctly put it...it's hard to tell whether it's the PLACE or if it's the MAJOR. Would I be this miserable anywhere, because I'm not meant for the subject? Or could I find happiness in a place that's not HERE?

It's a relief to know that someone else feels as unreasonably miserable as I do around here, in any case.

I'm feeling a little more able to survive this next week.

Thank you for the encouragement and belief.

(Past) Time for bed. Night all.



And I can't help but feel lonely knowing that our thoughts don't align. I may have been able to give up the hope, but I certainly haven't given up the need.

Fatigue?

I wish I weren't so tired all the time. On weekends, I'm only actively awake for about 5 hours a day - the rest of the day I'm sleeping. I went to bed at 7 PM on Friday and slept until about 11 on Saturday. Then I ate lunch, took a nap, watched a movie, took a nap, did some work, went to sleep. Today I had a lesson and went shopping, took a nap, and now I'm going to dinner, but I feel like I need another nap even though I just woke up.

I want my energy back!

A film

Just watched a film about two people who met after 9 years of no communication.

They have about an hour and a half to catch up before they have to leave and resume their regular lives again.

Several circumstances prevented them being together in the past...and now that they've reunited, their responsibilities in life seem to promise that they won't be together in the future either.

Mostly...it is revealed that they never forgot one another and that they regret that they let the years pass between them like they did. One of them said that when they were young, it seemed like there were so many possibilities of people to connect with that they couldn't believe they wouldn't get another connection just as good down the road, so they didn't value what they had as much as they should have, so they didn't try harder to find one another.

The other commented that maybe if they had spent more time together in the past, the time would have caused them to fall apart anyway, and it was just the magic of the moment that made it seem so great.

Were we destined to fall apart?

Or will we look back and regret that we lost one of the most important connections in our lives because we couldn't figure out how to be together?

Couldn't sleep

Tossed and turned...nightmares :-(

I'm glad it's Friday, and I'm sad it's Friday.

Why did you tell me you two were over, that you'd be there for me, when you weren't? Why did you tell me that you had changed, when you hadn't? Why did you say you'd come up and surprise me when you wouldn't? Why did you say you'd send it, when it's been over a month and you haven't? Why did you say you'd come...and you're not?

Why do you build me up, just to let me down?

How can I believe that you're going to be on the trip with me? How can I believe you when you say you care, or that you'll be there 'til we're old?

When you don't do what you say you will, I can't trust you.

I know you don't feel well, that you think it's just an isolated incident that I'm exaggerating...it doesn't feel that way to me. It feels like all the big things end this way.

Take a look through my eyes

I wish I could be more understanding.

I suppose that two things have often prevented me from telling you how important certain aspects of our relationship are. These two things are pride and fear - pride because I aim to be a strong person, and I tend to feel that admitting how important you are limits my independence and prevents me from being that person. Fear because I'm constantly afraid of being shown that you are infinitely more important to me than I am to you.

I want you to be as proud of me as I am of you. I want to share MY important things with you.

Though I may have never spelled this out, I always hoped you'd be at those moments that are important to me. This has included everything from listening to the old radio show, being at performances or the opening night of shows, physically being around when things are rough up here, reading or looking up a book or song I recommend...a lot is encompassed under that. I know that going to everything is never possible...but I often hoped to look out in the audience and see you. I used to come early to woodwinds to watch you play...and I secretly hoped you'd stay to watch me. When inviting you along to attend other events or concerts/recitals WITH me...it was never arbitrary. It was me saying, 'this is important to me and will probably be a really cool experience and I'm asking you to share it with me.' If anything, I might have reacted to your absence by picking a fight about something unrelated. Not proud of that, but in retrospect, it's what I did.

There have been many, many times in which I haven't communicated well. I'll admit that. Here I am trying to change that. I'd be lying if I didn't say I was let down that spring and winter break. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't disappointed every time I couldn't find you in the audience. Or if I pretended I didn't miss you when you didn't visit two weeks ago. Or if I didn't reveal that I still check my mail every day hoping to find those CDs or wish deep down that one day you'd show up at my door as a surprise.

I know I need to see how unrealistic I am...but it's hard to change how I feel. I guess I allowed our relationship to take on too much importance and meaning in my life. I continue to ignore warning signs with blind stupidity that indicate there's just no way we could ever make this work.

I know my expectations are disgustingly too high, and I'd like to be able to say I'll simply lower them and we'll be fine, but I know I can't do that - it's just too much of who I am. If we ever found a way to stay friends 'til we're 120, I'll still be hoping to see you at my pineapple growing competition awards ceremony.

It all comes down to my hope that you'll want to share all of this with me - your thoughts and opinions are of incredible value to me.

And maybe it all comes down to humanity's desire to avoid loneliness and find companionship.



In other news, I slipped down a flight of wet stairs in the music building. Fell on my wrist pretty hard - hurts to type, can't move my wrist or thumb very well. Couldn't practice :-( I hope it gets better soon.

Why do I do this to us? Why can't I let us forget the pain?


...And my horoscope does it again: Don't exhaust yourself pursuing a perfection which only exists in your mind.

Day 1...

done. Day 2? Still new...



Here we go. Almost there. I'll be OK.

I don't know.

I can't live with myself this way. I KNOW what I'm doing while I do it...but I can't stop myself - I'm paralyzed in the emotion.

Is this nothing?? Will it pass? Or is something really wrong?

This isn't me. I CAN'T be this ugly of a person. I won't LET myself be this ugly of a person...but I am.

It feels like night and day, but comes on as fast as a light switch.

It's like I'm watching someone else on TV.

Forgive me :-(

Why is it...

...so difficult for me to NOT sign up for things? I wish I had the time to take charge of this project...but my conscious is telling me it's a bad idea :-(


I hope I find a job next year.

Alright Day??

YES! Who knew??? This day went OK!!! (well...it's only half way over, but so what :-p)

Could it be the green grass covered with fiery leaves that melt into the ever-so-blue sky??

Could it be that I actually accomplished something in middle school band and successfully avoided my co-ops so that they couldn't tell me I suck???

Could it be that I am TOTALLY altering my keyboard class schedule so my kids can play music they actually like???

...actually...it's MOST likely because I finally understand what's been going on with the inner workings of my brain over the past few weeks. While I might not be content with the way things are or exactly how I am these days, knowing WHY I've felt like I'm spinning out of control and understanding why I'm making life into a small chunk of hell for those I care about is, well, empowering in a way. And if I'm stable...maybe I can have a good weekend!!! :-D



...or maybe it's this 3 lb bag of M&Ms hidden in my candy drawer...

HAH!

And so it goes...

Without a word, a decision has been made and we've been relieved of trying to fool ourselves into thinking that we're something we're not.

Tonight I'll finish cleaning for the visitor who'll never come, then retreat back into my dreams where I've been living the past few months.

I'd like to take back the anger, the sadness, the fear, the pain...who knew what would come of two people holding on to each other one spring night?

Listen up.

I spent the entire car ride home in turmoil trying to decide WHAT to do about how I feel. I felt awful, I felt sick, my brain was spinning just trying to think about the situation.

You know what?

I'm done with this grey crap. I'm done trying to ACCEPT the past year and a half. That's all I used to tell myself every day - "just accept it, it's the only way you can make it through this."

I don't WANT to accept it. That's not how I work. I disagree with what you think, I disagree with how you feel, I disagree with what's going on right now, and I disagree with how we're handling it.

I'm not going to accept ANYTHING anymore. I know how I feel. I know what I think. And you know what? It's NOT grey - it CAN'T be grey. It's black or white, and I know what color I've picked. I'm painting over the grey.

You can pick whichever color you want. You can be with me or without me. You can have me or you can forget me. I don't think the past year and a half has been in vain. I don't think the past year and a half was a mistake. I don't think my emotions lied to me, I don't think my emotions were fake. I wouldn't have been here this long if I didn't believe in US. In what you and I are TOGETHER. I won't settle for second best.

You say you know me - well, you certainly know the worst of me, and I often wish you didn't. I can't change that, but I can stand up for what I believe in. I'm just wondering if you'll come along. If not, I will go alone.

Until further notice, I'm officially on strike.

Drifting through the day

At least I know it's not all my fault that teaching has become such a terrible experience.

Maybe my generation has been raised too ignorantly. While we know that prejudice exists, we pretend that it doesn't apply to us. We've been taught that the fights were already won, that today's world, today's youth, are impacted more by video games and TV shows than personal shortsightedness. And I forget that the fights were so recent in our history. I forget that those generations are still permeating our culture, pressing their ideas and opinions upon us. I forget that the fights were merely won in our legislation, not in our minds.

How can someone honestly have such bias in their hearts?

I don't believe it's possible for me to do well in this placement. That doesn't mean I won't try...I can only hope that it won't stop me from doing well once I leave this place.

While kicking up some fiery gold leaves that fell on campus, I began thinking about previous autumns, the present autumn, and finally, the future autumn.

Within the next year, I will finish student teaching, (hopefully) be involved with the last college musical I can participate in, perform my senior recital, graduate college, drive to CA and back, and theoretically get my very own job.

In one year, this might all be a bad dream.

I don't understand...

...humanity.

Exhaustion.

I am so incredibly worn out. I thought I'd take an hour long nap around 4 today - I woke up at 8 PM, ate dinner, and now I can barely keep my eyes open. I don't even know WHY I'm this tired - I just know I can't function and I can barely get through my lessons and it's KILLING me. I can't have a career like this - if this is what teaching is, then I will honestly go get my masters and/or doctorates and teach at the collegiate level. Because I refuse to half-*** teaching.

I worked with a substitute today. We got to talking, and she told me that she taught for over 20 years (high school english), won several teaching awards, had students go on to win prestigious awards in writing, and has her masters in education. No one will hire her because the state requires that she be paid at a higher level for having her masters. She has no job except substitute teaching. Obviously I only spent a day with her, but she appeared to be a very intelligent, dedicated, passionate individual. What the heck is wrong with society???? No wonder a lot of teachers are fools - all the intelligent ones are "too expensive" to hire. And I ask...why SHOULDN'T teachers be paid well? We're already severely underpaid when compared to other professions...why is America dooming itself? Why should we sacrifice ourselves to bad pay when we already give our careers our all?

In other news, I felt like I had a 'moment' in one of my classes today. Most of my lessons were crap (big surprise), but I was working with some students on a garageband project in one class. They had already turned in a short composition project and were working on their second to hand in, which is required to be in a different style from the first. I was listening to several students' work before they turned it in to be graded, and realized that all the students were using heavy synths and drum kits which mirrored their previous work. Finally, I went around opening new files and giving students one loop to work with. I said, "show me what you can do with this funky bass line" or whatever...by the end of class, I had a football player creating this AWESOME mellow piano rock piece, and another kid asking to stay during his lunch period to finish writing his funk piece. I asked them if they LIKED what they were writing - they said they really did, they just didn't know how to write something in a different genre than techno before. Hopefully it made an impact.

I also stayed after school to work with a student who's been having trouble in theory (and saying she's having trouble is a huge understatement). I think we made some headway, and I offered to help her review her homework every day after school. I hope that works too.

Maybe today wasn't SO bad - I had a breakthrough in my 7th grade general music too. Not only do I feel a lot more comfortable with that age group, but I FINALLY figured out a way to get this one student to settle down. He's been a problem since the first week of class, and he is getting horrible grades because of it. Yesterday I came to the conclusion that all he wants is attention...and that's why putting him in the front by me doesn't work - everyone in the class sees him there and it gives him more fuel to act up. He's now sitting in the back row with one quiet student he can't corrupt, and he was actively participating in class. Hopefully this continues and his grades come up.

Oh! Then my co-op asked me if I'd be OK to run guard rehearsal tomorrow since his wife won't be able to make it. FINALLY. Last week he COMPLETELY blew me off and it crushed me...cross your fingers for me that I can prove myself tomorrow night. I guess there were a few really good moments today that I forgot about because of the bad ones...

I also found out I was nominated for something. It's really nothing, but I do kinda feel bad about it. I sit in my seminar class EMBARRASSED because I know my lessons aren't special and I don't feel like I'm making an impact, and that's all I ever wanted to do. I don't feel like I deserve any recognition - all I've ever done was dabble in things that were fun and interesting to me...why should I be recognized for that? Maybe all the things I've ever done were out of self-interest to ME...that's not worth any recognition.

Here's hoping tomorrow goes well. On the bright side, I'm going home on Saturday to watch my cat and dog for the weekend. I'm planning on ordering a pizza, relaxing, and taking my sweet time to finish my lesson plans. And next week's a four day week (in-service)!!!! woot!!!

Like a revered painting...

...ravaged by the elements, I mourn the loss of beauty.

Like delicate flowers trampled underfoot, I mourn the loss of innocence.

Like a window shattered in storm, I feel the splinters' sharp reminders of disillusion.

Though without the broken pane, the curtains wouldn't dance in the wind.

I don't care if I get wrinkles...

...as long as they're from smiling too much.

Another Hard day. How could it be right if it feels so unnatural all the time? I used to think of myself as a strong person. I'm afraid this experience is dashing that image of myself; I'm scared I'll find out I'm not really the person I thought I could be.

I love the kids I'm teaching - I hope I'm doing them justice.

I'm not even sure what's WRONG at this point. I guess everything's going OK...I'm just not living up to the huge expectations that I created for myself. What did I expect - that the first day I entered the classroom I'd be moving mountains?? Heck, it took Beethoven 8 symphonies before he wrote his 9th!!! (hehe :-p)

Why am I always in a hurry?

I need to remember that these things take time. I need to find patience within MYSELF and my own limitations.

I'll make it.

Full Moon

Today I got a glimpse at what my life could have been had a chosen a different path (small digression - what the heck kind of a word is "could", and why don't we pronounce the L?? I looked at it, and thought I had spelled it wrong for a second...very strange).

I thought about it for a long while, and wondered if I regret the decision I made.

And then I realized - I made that decision with the best information I had at the time. I made that decision, and for a long time I never would (there's another weird word!! sheesh!) have questioned the goodness of it.

I also realized that I have come to be a very specific type of person through my decision...and if I hadn't made it, well, I wouldn't be the person I am today. I do wonder if that's a good thing sometimes...

But then I acknowledge that I have always only ever done the best I can. I know I'm scared of what's to come; I know I'm worried that I won't be happy in the future. But maybe if I just...stick with those little things that make me happy, the big things that make me happy will come my way too.

I'll never regret those things that I have done with good intentions.

I can't continue to lose hope, faith, trust, and confidence in myself - I need those now more than ever. And if I don't believe in myself, how will other people? I am strong...I WILL persevere.

I will not simply exist...I will LIVE!!!!


...Thus begins another week.

Scrambled thoughts from a scrambled brain...

...or maybe it's just poached! hahahaha...hehe :-p

Wellpers, things just might be settling down. And by settling down, I mean that things are just as busy as ever, but maybe I'm not as internally tormented by confusion and have just accepted that things are going to be the way they are.

I THINK today went well. In any case, I'm now certain that a busy band is a happy band. It bonds you in a way nothing else can.

A friend shared her thoughts on "control" in a relationship - how derailing it is to lose control, how securing it is to have it. While I 100% agree...I see how unfortunate this is. Why is this a problem? Well, I don't doubt the degree to which this "control" factor impacts us in relationships, but I question why the control factor is there. I'm beginning to believe that a relationship can only be truly (not successful...trying to find a word here...) INTACT when there is no control. When there is no question of control, and there is no NEED from the other person because they are guaranteed to be there when needed, and vice versa. Quite possibly, the word "control" is simply a substitute for trust. Trust that the other person will be there and fulfill their (not promises...but...) word.

Lately I've been seriously evaluating some recent events and how I have reacted to them. It seems painfully obvious that I am not mature enough to handle relationships. The whole thing is pretty strange, but I'm fairly certain that I have some sort of horrible habit of relying too much on a significant other when one appears. The bizarre part of this to me is that I always found PRIDE in being an independent individual...but I guess I just don't know how to stay myself when I find the opportunity to have a companion.

Also...I'm starting to believe that the best "state" for one to live in (aside from Jersey, of course :-p) is not happiness. I'm not talking about UNhappiness...I mean dissatisfaction. Because, at least for me, if I get one thing perfect in my life, I just focus on that one thing because it makes me that incredibly happy. And then I ignore the other parts of my life that PROBABLY need the most attention. Just like practicing, actually. When I finally become able to play a piece the way I WANT to play it...I keep playing it. I don't want to play what I can't do correctly...I want to play the stuff I can do.

In other news, the cold spell we had recently has been prepping me for Miles Davis season. (That's the winter, at least as far as my personal music seasons go :-p).

...thinkity think think with that pumpkin in the sky...

Blustery Days...

...remind me of NYC.

So tired.

Too much to really think...I'll just "be" for a while.

Isn't it beautiful...

...when leaves fall off of the trees in autumn and stain their image into the sidewalk?

I just came from a concert in which a Stradivarius violin made in 1681 was played. Think of all the music that's been made by it...think of all the concerts it's played...the people who's hands it's been held in. It's older than our COUNTRY.





"I've seen him break a lot of people over the years...don't let him in you. Don't let him get your spunk."
...I'll do my best.

Brrrrr

OK day, cruddy evening.

Incredibly cruddy.

On the...well, interesting side, anyway, one of our drum majors broke his collarbone playing soccer and can't conduct or march this weekend. Since taking our other drum major out of the show to conduct would leave us with two underclassmen trombone players on the whole field, I'm apparently conducting two numbers of our field show at the college football game on Saturday. It's been a long four years since I've been up on that podium - it's pretty strange. But, like I said, should be interesting.


I've really taken to wondering whether I should honestly just go to grad school next year. Sometimes the only thing I feel like I'm good at is being a student anyway, so maybe it'd be for the best. The thing is, I'm too stubborn to admit that the thing I worked towards for about six years now might not have been worth it.


Why complain about the clouds - we all need a little watering every so often anyway.

Chilly.

"No offense, but the students just won't listen if you're the one leading their color guard rehearsal."

You know what?! I AM offended. VERY offended. I don't care if that's the truth, I'm planning on BEING A TEACHER in less than one year, so if I can't effectively leading a rehearsal something is WRONG and I need you to help me FIX that! You signed on to take me, you AGREED to it - what do you want from me? I CAN DO IT. I KNOW HOW TO MAKE THEM WORK.

If I DO fumble in rehearsal, part of that may be that I'm SCARED to death of you and your counterpart - from day 1 you told me I had to do things YOUR way - I'm doing everything I can to do that, but I don't even know what your way IS most of the time and I'm so afraid that you're going to yell at me that I don't even want to get up in front of the class!

Don't make jokes about me being your "personal assistant" because most of the time THAT'S WHAT I AM and I feel like CRAP because of it. I'm not surprised students don't take me seriously, because most of the time one of you ignores me in front of them anyway - I wouldn't take me seriously either. I don't think I'm anything but a puppet - I understand that you are trying to teach me what you know, but I need some positive feedback, too! I need you to understand what I'm doing here! Throwing me into rehearsals isn't helping me learn to take control in unexpected situations, because I am only afraid to take control because I don't know what YOU want me to do. I can take control! But not when I am too afraid to do what feels natural.

I don't really understand how you could rip me to shreds week after week, then my supervisor comes in and suggests I consider going to grad school for conducting??? THAT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE!!! And I felt like the entire time he was giving me POSITIVE feedback you were sitting there DISAGREEING!

I know this probably isn't a cakewalk for you either - it's a weird situation and I know it'd be hard for me to be in your shoes. I'm not trying to criticize, I'm not trying to make a big deal out of it, I just want you to recognize that I am here and that I'm TRYING MY BEST. You're the people who watch me all day - can't you believe in me?

Musical Pet Peeves.

Alright...time to hear my stuffy complaints about recitals and concerts. I was planning on posting a rave review of a concert of a German Band I went to this evening, however by the time the concert ended, my opinion had changed. The musicians were superb, there's no doubting that. But a certain soloist felt the need to spray his slide during EVERY SINGLE REST he took. I wish I was exaggerating. I wouldn't have minded had it happened only several times, but by the end, I just couldn't watch anymore. I couldn't listen to the band because I was so distracted by his behavior.

I know I should be thrilled to have heard one of the most revered bands in Germany, as well as an internationally known trombone player, but I really can't let this one go. The fact that he needed to spray his slide THAT often indicates to me that he doesn't feel he can play properly without doing so...that he needs that spray in order to sound good. It was quite disappointing. I'm not trying to be judgmental, but it honestly affected my ability to enjoy the concert. I understand that some circumstances do call for quick adjustments or fixes, but this was to the point that it was completely unprofessional.

Hrmph.

In other news, I decided I'm going to be a conductor in my spare time. In addition to playing gigs and dabbling in arranging. I really hope it's something I could do well at - it's not going to be easy, but I think it'd be a great joy.

Surprising results at my first observation. Hopefully it's the truth and I really AM doing well, because I certainly don't feel like I am. In this chaotic whirlwind of a life, I'm doing the best I can to make a positive impact. I suppose the reality of the real world is more shocking than I expected.

Well, tests to grade, tests to write, garageband projects to create, and who knows what else is on my to-do list. Night night, sleep tight.

tired...

Between school, rehearsals, prep work, and county chorus stuff...I put in almost 75 hours last week. I wake up in the morning and put bags of frozen corn over my eyes so the puffiness will go down and I won't look tired, because if I do I get yelled at by my co-op.




I won't accept that it can't be OK. I spent the last year and a half waiting for it...because of what I know and what I believe in. I don't just let my beliefs go. I can't just give up on what was felt and said...what I feel now.





Help me find peace, and help me get through today.

Not much time...

...But a superly cool thing happened today!! I signed up to usher for the Santiago Rodriguez piano recital this afternoon, and since I ushered I got to go into an after-party for free!!! Not only did I get to have some free wine (while hanging out with my professors - how weird!?!?! I am so old, haha), BUT I met Santiago Rodriguez and we chatted and he signed my program and he was like..."if you're ever in Miami, give me a call!!!!"

neato!!!!!!!!!!!

He played beautifully, and during one of the explanations of the works he was performing, he made a comment about how Rachmaninoff's performances could never be repeated because they were from "a certain time and century, and played by a certain heart." I thought that was incredibly insightful...you always think about a performer's style and tendencies, and even the emotions they might portray...but not necessarily their HEART in the piece. Maybe ya do. I never thought about it in THAT light before, but I thought there was something magical about it, in a way. Probably because he's right - you can try all you want to recreate a performer's sound, but you'll never have the same heart behind the music.

I thought a lot about what I'd written yesterday - my praises of literature. And I realized that I completely overlooked the other arts - music, actual art art, etc...I talked about the wisdom and depth in the pages of novels, but what about the wisdom captured in lyrics during the short span of a song? Or the emotion portrayed so completely through music? And of course the emotions in a painting or sculpture or sketch?

That's what really separates us into us. Computers can do math problems or create things based on patterns...but they can't create based on heart.

Listening to great musicians do what they do...I must wonder - do we all have those capabilities inside us? Of course I'd like to think we do...but it seems impossible at times. Could I possibly hope to tap into just an ounce of Dave Matthew's ability to write lyrics?? Or Chopin's musical depth? Must we be born with such talent? Or can we find it along the way...

Autumn Rain

Woke up after a nap this afternoon to a warm autumn rain. Definitely one of the most beautiful types of weather we've got, right up there with the silent snows of December whose full moons light the earth and the sky.

After an exhausting week and morning, I fell asleep for almost 6 hours today, missed dinner, and never got around to all the work I meant to do. Decided to roll with it and spent some time reading Skinny Legs and All by Tom Robbins. Since December I've been alternating my reading material between Jack Kerouac, Kurt Vonnegut, and now Tom Robbins. The past two months, they've been contributing to my life as 1) Escape from the reality of school (both college and teaching-wise) and 2) Expansion of philosophical ideas during mealtimes. It simply amazes me that authors can produce such massive amounts of insight...the wisdom in only a few pages of any of those authors is enough to shatter my reality, never mind the amounts totaled from all of their books combined.

Take this quote from my first Tom Robbins - Still Life With Woodpecker:

• Humanity has advanced, when it has advanced, not because it has been sober, responsible and cautious, but because it has been playful, rebellious, and immature

or this one!!

• If you're honest, you sooner or later have to confront your values. Then you're forced to separate what is right from what is merely legal. This puts you metaphysically on the run. America is full of metaphysical outlaws.

I don't even know how to explain just how much I love these books...they're full of ideas like that, along with incredibly entertaining and wild adventures.

If you've never read any of these authors, Get Up. Now. Find your nearest library, and check out On the Road, Player Piano, and/or Still Life With Woodpecker.


In other news, I learned some eye-opening information this morning. A professional I work with has a spouse who's been diagnosed with cancer. This really reminded me how oblivious we can be to the lives of others...and brought up a perplexing question: Is there a degree to which rude behavior towards others is acceptable, providing that the perpetrator is dealing with serious problems? My first reaction is to say of COURSE not - we should all attempt to be kind, open, generous individuals no matter the circumstances we're placed in. But I can't help but feel guilt for secretly despising my co-worker when he's been less than helpful, now that I know the stress he's no doubt been experiencing. And I know there have been many times where I have handled situations very poorly because of unrelated issues I was experiencing in other aspects of life. I suppose the only thing anyone can do is give others the benefit of the doubt.

What complex creatures with complex lives wander our planet!!



I'm going to leave you (and myself) with this quote I've been pondering (another Robbins quote):
"When we're incomplete, we're always searching for somebody to complete us. When, after a few years or a few months of a relationship, we find that we're still unfulfilled, we blame our partners and take up with somebody more promising. This can go on and on- series polygamy- until we admit that while a partner can add sweet dimension to our lives, we, each of us, are responsible for our own fulfillment. Nobody else can provide it for us, and to believe otherwise is to delude ourselves dangerously and to program for eventual failure every relationship we enter."

New instructions: live with life, reflect on life, laugh at life. Repeat daily.

Wandering...

My plant's stem ripped apart recently. I ended up being able to salvage some of the shoots off the vine and now I have three small plants growing well where one dying plant used to be.

If only we could do that.

As the leaves fall from the trees...

Walked through a big pile of fall leaves on the way home from rehearsal tonight :-)

It's that time of year again...FOOTBALL!!!! :-p


Funny...for so long - well over a year - I had convinced myself that this September would come and everything would be alright. Senior year would have settled in it's seat and so would the rest of my life. With less than a week now to go and the universe still in misalignment...I'm pretty sure things just are the way they're going to be.

Picking this month was a method of coping, I suppose. If I told myself over and over that all I had to do was wait and it would all be OK...then I didn't have to worry so much about what was wrong at the time. The problem was that as time crept closer and closer to my deadline and nothing seemed to be OK, I panicked.



Had a very interesting day - not what I expected, but not at all bad. I might just get the hang of this whole education thing. Though I'm not sure the education thing's gonna get the hang of me - mwahaha!! :-p hehe :-)



There's nothing left to lose, so I might as well keep betting.

Hello Again

Got a nice, cold glass of OJ (pulp free, of course) and finally sitting down after a long day. One of those days where everything was so up and down it's impossible to tell if it was a good one or a bad one. Just for the heck of it, might as well round up and call it a good one :-) I got my new DMB CD, anywho, and it's got a darn good version of Sweet Up and Down with rockin' alternate lyrics. Plus other fine tunes, of course.

Still pretty beat, with all my lesson plans and a test to write tonight.

I had some of those moments today when I felt like everything was going great, until I realized all I'd really done was epic fail. Kind of like when you think you ace a test, then get it back the next day with a big, fat F on the front. But we're over half way done with the week, so celebration is in order!

There was a sort of...eureka! moment today in teaching. Though maybe not with QUITE as much vigor, haha. I was grading tests, and it was killing me. I REALLY want these kids to succeed. I want them to do well, I want them to be proud of themselves and their work...and I'm doing my best to help them be successful. During our review yesterday, I basically told them EXACTLY what was going to be on the test. And still, I'm getting RIDICULOUS answers to questions that we answered EVERY SINGLE DAY in class for the last week. I can't understand it. I don't know if it's ME or if it's them. Mostly I lean towards me. And so I try to give as many points as I can when I grade. If they're at ALL close, I give them at least half credit. Or if they answered incorrectly, but if I think about it I understand how they misinterpreted the question I give them the benefit of the doubt.

Then it hit me.

How is that helping them? I'm not saying I should be a hard a**...but...why not demand that they study? If they had studied, they would have gotten at least a B. MAYBE a high C. They just had matching and fill in the blanks. That's doable. Then maybe...if they worked hard and actually did well because of their own efforts...then they'd feel pride in themselves. Maybe that's better for them than letting them half a** their way through the course. Just thinking out loud...jury's still out on most of my teaching philosophies. And I don't yet know how to push kids the right way...we'll see. Time will provide some answers. It all seems to be a pretty delicate balance.

Anywho...there's work to be done.



I guess all we can really do is to do the best we can.

Hello World

Howdy. After being isolated to the point of despair (and being inspired by a friend), I have decided to return to the blogs.

What am I doing?

Why am I doing it?

Am I going to be able to do this for the rest of my life?

At the point in my life where I feel like I should be pulling everything together, I'm suddenly being pulled apart. I HATE what I've worked for these past 5-6 years. And while hate might be a bit of a strong word...I feel like I'm going through some sort of midlife crisis where I've been set in my ways for forever and I turn around and realize that it was all empty.

There ARE good moments. And things will be different after the first year...after this year. But I can't help but see that so many things that I stand for are NOT SUPPORTED where I'm headed.

What kind of strange, hybrid creature am I?

Though I crave stability and logic, I long for adventure and...well, no, I definitely like logic ;-) But oftentimes it seems my logic conflicts with everyone elses.

I'm incredibly idealistic, I know. I've got this huge romanticized view of the world, but at the exact same moment I've got a sneaking suspicion that all my hopes and dreams are just one big fallacy.

How am I going to travel the world? How am I going to CHANGE the world? How am I going to stay to true myself AND some of the goals I have?

I used to be so incredibly confident in myself...now I just feel timid and unsure. Maybe I bloomed too soon? I'm burned out at the ripe ol' age of 21?

How about this...I know the FEELING I stand for, the swell of emotion inside me that tells me I've got to do SOMETHING...but I don't have a way to pinpoint the specifics. And for a planner like I am...that's not so simple to accept.

I don't want to lose myself at my core. I don't want to lose the qualities of myself that I liked...and I'm afraid that my career path will put me on that track.

I want to be strong again. I wish I could ignore the questions I hear in my head. If I couldn't trust the innermost feelings in myself...how can I trust ANY of me? How do I know what's best? How do I know which path to take if my instincts have already been proven wrong?

I need some perspective, haha. I'm not at the end of a cliff with a millisecond to make a decision. Dear self: Take a chill pill.

Thank god for music. Surprisingly (though it SHOULD be obvious), one of the things that's helping me the most is the ability to make music in my (nonexistent) spare time. I wish I could take a sabbatical from the real world to just sit and learn - there really is nothing better.

I'm doing this because I want students to succeed.

I'm doing this because I do believe in some things - love being one of them.

I'm doing this because I want to live life.