I just want

to say what I feel and not feel bad about it.

Cue....

absolute Exhaustion with a capital E.

Yes Indeedy

I got this.

100%

Wonderful :-)

Float Float Floating away....

I'll take on whatever gets thrown in my direction!

YEAH




Like I'm gone, ooo
Oh, up and away
mmmmmmmmmmm you get me high

plus...

I think one of the coolest and most inspiring things is that things like youtube allow each and every one of us to put ourselves or our creativity out there.

Beautiful.

Gonna cross it off my list.

Tough crowd...


but I can't let it bring me down.

Still lots to do!

Down to 52 days....


:-)




P.S. The roadtrip is completely necessary to keeping me on track. Because it's worth it all.

When did it get so late?

Tuesday, Here I come!

As good as it gets...

I still feel doomed to care more than everyone else.

Announcement!!!!!

This past weekend, I had FUN. I had someone around who wanted to spend time with me, and I didn't sit around doing homework all day and night. Instead, I conversed with people, went out and experienced something besides the inside walls of my room, and I genuinely enjoyed myself.

I'm starting off this week feeling more refreshed, relaxed, and capable of taking on the next 54 days. It's because I didn't sit around and think about how difficult things are going to be for once.

I realize that I need to stay 100% focused the next 8 weeks.

But the knowledge that I'm going to get to spend time every other weekend with my best friend helps more than anything :-)

It's 1:30 AM

...and I can't wait to wake up at 7 and do more homework!!!!


I'm 100% serious - things have fallen into place. I've got my practicing under control (making some actual progress - still not where I want to be, but I'll be there in time), I have some serious leads on the job front (and beginning to feel confident in my ability to get where I want to go), and among other things, REALLY looking forward to conducting. I'm nervous - it feels like FOREVER since I've done anything - but I'm also REALLY excited. If I work at this...I think it could take me to a new level conducting-wise (as corny as that sounds).

All this, PLUS I've got to spend time learning from the Tony Award winning arranger of Movin' Out on Broadway (who also performs and conducts) (it's quite inspiring AND comforting, especially knowing he moved from NY to NC to PA and has managed to accomplish all those things. Reassures me I can do what I want, and that temporarily moving to the south is quite possibly a GREAT step towards my goals) AND a superly amazing sitar player (I can't wait to travel. I'm SO EXCITED to travel. I'M GOING TO TRAVEL the world!!!!!!!) who played some AMAZING music that both inspires and is simply great to listen to.

Could there be any more awesome things going on for me??? WELLLLLL my friend is coming up for the weekend and we're going to have an awesome time.

So it's pretty great :-)

The house next door has lost it's shingles

I think I've lost my ability to have a good perspective on things


Which confuses me more.




NO. This is ridiculous. I'm not confused. I'm OK. I've just been disappointed with the relationship (or lack of one) and I am trying to tell the world that I have needs and I need them met!!!! I am a strong, independent, intelligent woman, and I deserve to be with someone who likes me and knows me well enough to understand how I feel. I'm frustrated with the current situation in which I feel burdened and alone with the knowledge that I care for someone more than they care for me. I understand the situation, but that doesn't change my frustrations or sadness. I'm tired of feeling second-rate, and I'm tired of being unable to make a difference in the life of someone I care very deeply for. I hate bringing this up over and over again, but I can't live without acknowledging my feelings because to do so feels as though I'm living a lie. To quote Jackie Greene, "don't mind me, I'm only dying slow."

I hate putting pressure on the situation and on us, but I'm here to say ENOUGH is ENOUGH. Take me or leave me. I've struggled to do this your way, biding our time, and I can't do it any more. I'm facing the possibility of moving across the damn country, and I want to know where I stand. If we have no future, I need to find a way to acknowledge that and move on. If there's a possibility of something, then cut the bullshit and let's be happy.

THAT is how I work. I can't change that part of me, so I'm through trying to.

THE END.

And So...

Another Saturday night of homework and practicing and general feelings of exhaustion and loneliness.

I'm sapped of energy. But I still have three loads of laundry to do, so hopefully my energy becomes unsapped.

I'm also about to watch Gandhi for a class. It's apparently three hours long - I hope it's good. We haven't actually started talking about India yet, so I hope I don't need to know anything.

I ran some errands, got a book from the library (Big Sur was out - I was devastated - well, it's not out, it's MISSING...I was very excited to read it and to learn both about the place and Kerouac's life at that time...I ended up picking up Visions of Cody but I'm just not as into it. I thought about Visions of Gerard, but I wasn't in the mood for childhood death ). Then I decided I need to get off campus so I went to Pizza Hut. I usually end up going a little later, after the crowds, and I get to sit in the back booth facing the wall so nobody bothers me and there are minimal distractions. Got a ways into the book, too. Though I know I shouldn't spend money...I had one meal left for the caf. for this week, but I was hungry and knew I wouldn't get full there.

I'm still upset about Wednesday. I know there was no harm meant, but I'm upset anyway. I mean, I'll always care, but that was a long, long time ago. And we can barely hold a conversation anymore! It's a struggle! And certainly not what you'd call stimulating. It's just...we're different. We're different now. Just because I have the same keychains, or the same sweatshirts...doesn't mean we should go back there. I should have known when he said that I haven't changed. Though that comment is slightly insulting - I HAVE changed. I've changed a lot. I like to think in a good way...but in any case, I'm someone else. And if someone can't see that, it means they don't really know me.

I got the TB shot on Friday so I can get back into field work for my dept. honors project. The semester is nearing an end (62 days 'til graduation), and I haven't even started :-( I've been practicing for hours each day for my recital. Jury's in 9 days now, and it coincides with EVERYTHING that week. I wish I could drop out of that stupid tour I'm forced to go on for class. I dread that class. But I can't practice as long as I would like anyway b/c my fingers get tingly. That's new.

I'm very anxious for Tuesday - that's when I find out if I get a second interview. Every Wednesday morning from now on I'm going back to my old placement to observe high school jazz band rehearsals - I'm excited, and I'm looking forward to seeing everyone again.

I don't know what to do anymore. I hate how I feel, which just makes it worse because then I hate myself. I guess my rational is that this has been too long and too difficult, and with too much pain. I wish someone could understand how I feel and what I want. You knew I was upset - you should've called back earlier. You should've at least texted me. I wasn't trying to interfere with your plans, but I need someone I can count on - someone who understands when and how I need them. What a mess. I want to give up. I'm tired of sleeping right up next to the wall so it feels like there's someone else there.

At least my plants are blooming.

Wave the White Flag

Dropped a coolio glass magnet today. It broke in two - couldn't get it back together without a big ugly crack right through the middle...I had to throw it away.





I guess that's how life works: you're given something amazing and you fuck it up beyond all repair.

:-)

I love making you laugh



:-)

I must admit

I feel more than a little panicked right now...I need to feel safe, I need to be comforted, I need to know it's all OK...because it certainly doesn't feel that way :-(

Help Me Know

Show me it's OK

: (

I'm sorry

I just want to be honest.


I just want to go to sleep at night without feeling alone in my feelings.




I put on my tape every night and wish you were here to hold onto and to talk to talk to.

Basically

I would like to feel like I'm enough.

I would like to feel unique and special.
helpful.
loved.
needed.



I don't want to feel ashamed.
alone.
worthless.
uncared for.

The closer we get, the more difficult it becomes.
I want to believe in Love. I want to KNOW Love.



I need someone to love.
Staying near you just reminds me that I have failed, that I am wrong.
If you don't love me, let me go.

I feel like

breaking down and crying.


I'm not going to. I'm going to get up and go about my day. I'm going to finish everything to the best of my abilities.







I'm trapped in something that I don't want and that doesn't want me. What a painful mess.

Where You Are

What can I do to help you?

Name it, and it's done.

The scariest thought is that I contribute to this.

You've helped me in so many ways...

Why is it impossible to return the favor?

Post #200

Dear World:


You are a pain in the ass.
AND I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I figure

if I can look in the mirror every day for months at a time and never notice the scars on my face...


There will come a time when I'll forget all the scars on my soul, too.





:-)







Every day brings the joy of learning something new.




I love it all

Lovely

Lovely lovely!!












Now all I need is a bit of gentlemanly chivalry and I'll be good to go.

Oh dear

Not good day.




Feeling messed up again and sick.




Everything still hurts...can't hold on. Starting to think this whole idea was a bad one. Maybe I should back out?