I'm sick and tired

I wish I had an EASY relationship - one that was without frustration and hurt.

But I don't suppose those exist, do they?

In any case, I'm tired of feeling selfish and mean.

I'm pretty sure I lack the ability to be in a healthy relationship. On one hand, I want to be alone for forever. On the other hand, there's nothing more that I crave than true companionship.

In Between

Finally finished college...I'm leaving Tuesday to drive to San Francisco, then my career starts on June 7th, just days after I get back.

LOTS to do tomorrow, but my bags are basically packed. Hard to believe I'll be leaving so soon.

One thing before I crash - today's horoscope said this: Your appeal for help will be heeded by a friend who won't hesitate to take risks in order to get you out of a jam; no matter what people can think, true wonderful friendship does exist in this world.



:-)

It's Over I guess

I've wasted the last hour trying to figure out any possible way that my GPA would work out OK - there's no possible way. I have to accept it or it's going to be incredibly hard to look at my posted grades tomorrow morning. I should've just packed.

So it's over. Doesn't feel over. Well, some things do. The campus doesn't feel like mine anymore. I guess I destroyed the one friendship I had left here.

I wish I had been able to accomplish my goal. It's hard to feel proud of myself when I was so close but didn't make it.



I guess I just hope the next few days go quickly and painlessly - I'm not sure what I need, but I know it's not here.

I hate moving. Even when I want to move. It leaves me feeling exhausted and homeless.

One last day

Sing me a lullaby...

that's what I want.

In Just 4 Days

In 4 days, I will graduate with a degree in education.


Looking over my work for my upcoming job, we're discussing how to plan purposefully, get students invested in their own schoolwork, and how to execute our plans effectively.

It's the first time in 4 years I have EVER even thought about that sort of thing, never mind talked about it in classes.




How is that considered an education? How is it possible that the only reason I'm learning these things are that I am joining this other program on my own?

It scares me for the future of education.

Who I am is gone

only have I was

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Ihateyouhateyouhatehatehatehteahteahtaeahtahateahteahtahataehatehateahtaewthahatehatehteahteahteahat

getawaygetaway

gogogogogogogogo
getaway
go
go
go
go
go
go
go
go
go
go
go

kickbitekickkickkick


ihate you all

i HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU

GET AWAY FROM ME GET AWAY

I WILL DESTROY

I WANT TO DESTROY

IT
ALL
DESTROY
IT
ALL
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I HATE THIS

I have six hours to START AND FINISH a five page paper and I hate my teacher I hate her I hate her I hate her she's PUNISHED me she's TORTURED ME this semester and IT MAKES ME SICKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK

I CAN'T DO THIS I CAN'T DO THIS I CAN'T DO THIS I CAN'T DO THIS



DON'T MAKE ME


PLEASE



PLEASE don't make me please please please please please


I pump my body full of caffeine so I can stay up all night but IT MAKES ME SICK









Nononononononononononono I just AM sick I AM SICK I AM SICK I AM SICK I AM SICK I HATE YOU TEACHER. I HATE what you do to me and you pretend to CARE but you just make it harder on me I HATE YOU SCHOOL I HATE YOU LIFE LIFE LIFE LIFE LIFE LIFE LIFE LIFE I HATE YOU LIFE I HATE YOU LIFE I HATE YOU LIFE

DON'T MAKE ME DO THIS IT IS HURTING ME

GOD LET ME GO

PLEASE LET ME GO

MAKE IT END

MAKE IT END

PLEASE

PLEASE

I BEG

I'VE BEEN BEGGING FOR TWO YEARS AND I'M STILL HERE BEGGING

PLEASE GOD MAKE IT STOP


I MAKE MYSELF SICK TO look at to think of to KNOW I HATE KNOWING MYSELF

I WANT TO RIP APART MY ROOM AND BASH MY THINGS TO SHREDS

I WANT TO END THIS

I am weak I am weak I am weak I am weak and I have failed. I admit it now, so let me go in peace. Let me go in peace let me be quiet let me rest please let me rest

please don't make me go it hurts me it hurts me so much

I want to SMASH

I want to DESTROY

I want to HURT HURT HURT HURT HURT

HOW LONG

I'll make you SORRY

I HAVE BEEN DESTROYED BY YOU
HAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHA AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

EVERYTHING I TOUCH I WANT TO CRUSH CRUSH BEAT BEAT BEAT BEAT RIP SHRED RUIN

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO



ALL I AM IS HATE

I AM HATE
I AM HATE
I AM HATE
I AM HATE
I AM HATE
I AM HATE
I AM HATE


PUSH IT AND IT WILL DESTRUCT

LET ME DESTRUCT

please please please please please please please


CRUSHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

ah yes

I need to do laundry because I have no clothes to present in.












I wish I could avoid sleeping

My last Monday

7 AM wake up shower
8 AM library
9 AM class
10 AM practice (since I haven't all week)
11:15 lunch
noon choir
1 PM organize Orchestration project
2:30 violin lesson
3 PM class
4 PM last theater co. meeting
5 PM library
6 PM quick dinner
6:30 create a 30 minute presentation to give on Tuesday morning, complete with handouts and visuals
8:40 play on recordings of other people's orchestration projects
10:40 (AS IF MY PROFESSOR WILL END ON TIME) try and finish more of my own orchestration project until I pass out from exhaustion

Tuesday - huge presentation
Wednesday - Essay, violin performance in studio recital, huge orchestration project
Thursday - last observation, scramble to find 5 newspaper articles and write a 5 page paper
Friday - hand in 5 page paper and give presentation on it

Friday afternoon - I'll be happy to be alive.



thank god it's my last Monday (finals next week don't count)because my body and my mind can't take this anymore.

Just 14 days

I just need to get through 14 more days. THAT'S IT! I just need to make it a LITTLE longer and I'll be OK...

I've gotta make it.

I have to make it.