Spouting Chicken Soup with Rice!

No voice for tomorrow :-/

Rough day.

Thanks for the text!  I'm not very good at responding to texts anymore :-(

Nervous for this week...but not-so-nervous at the same time.

Looking forward to Wednesday night!

Excited for DMB - what would I do without 'em?

I can't explain what I want I guess.  Hoping I'm not sick for tomorrow :-/  My head feels kinda funky right now.  Feeling pretty prepared though!


We will see.

SoOoOoOoOoOo

SOME kids didn't complain when I came into their classroom this week.

NO ONE told me they wanted their old teacher back.

OCTOBER is over (nearly).  Goodbye, October song, HELLO November song (and a 3 day week next week).

ANNNNND another teacher referred to me as her friend when she was yelling at her students for not listening to directions in my class.  I know she was saying it to emphasize to the kids that they were being super awful, but still.

They drove me nuts (especially today) - Halloween is the worst holiday ever.

Also, I'm pretty sure I'm destroying my throat and I will probably never be able to be in choir again.  But...I'm feeling better.  This was an important week.  

THEY LIKE ME (MAYBE)!  In any case, it's nice to see little kids playing the cymbals the right way.  Go Kindergarteners - forget stupid orff instruments.

Even though I'm exhausted, stressed, and partly miserable, I'm thinking that maybe I CAN do this.  You know??

urgh urgh

Another day.  Really, another 8.5 months.





I hope?




Still scared about what happened to Mike.  I want to do this - I do.  But I want to do it right.

uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurgh

I hate Wednesdays.



I'm scared for tomorrow (today).  That's why I'm still up.  Doing nothing.  Ensuring that I'm exhausted for the worst day of the week.  Avoiding the work that's due today.  Avoiding the work that's due tomorrow.


URGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH


SaVeMe

Is it going to get better?  I don't think it will and I'm very discouraged.  Walked in on a fight today - at least it wasn't MY class.  Waiting for someone to realize that I'm just downright not good at this.

Not sure if I'm hoping they NEVER notice, or wanting them to notice so I can be FREEEEEEEEE.

And then the guilt comes.  I was SUPPOSED to be a game changer, here.  I looked down on so many people for not wanting to do the tough stuff.  Then I turn around and find out I'm one of those people :-(

4th Grade:  Please be magically good.  Please.  Except...please let it be permanent.  Please don't fight.  Please don't scream and talk back and break things and talk back and insult and walk out and argue and ignore anything and everything I do.  Please sit in your seats and listen and let me TEACH you.  Because THAT'S what I like to do.  I don't like to babysit or watch people berate one another.  I want to TEACH you so you have a better future.  I want to teach you so that you can have passion like I used to.

I miss playing.  I miss enjoying things for me.  I miss LEARNING things that challenge my mind and help me become smarter.  I feel guilty for that, too.

I'm running out of ideas.  And when that happens, I'll be SOL.

COME ON.  PLEASE WORK.  PLEASE BUY IN.  Is it really so awful to learn?

urgh.

hopehopehopehopehopehopehopehopehopehopehopehopehopehopehopehopehopehopehopehopehopehopehopehopehopehopehopehopehopehopehopehopehopehopehopehopehopehopehope be there when I look for you in the morning.  DON'T GIVE UP.  YOU CAN DO IT!  YOU WILL DO IT!  Duhhhhhh!  It's so possible!  Do it Do it Do it!

The Last Four Years

I don't think I've mentioned:

I hate my college.  I hate the way it made (makes?) me feel inadequate.  I hate how the professors there make me feel pathetic and unsuccessful.  I hate the way THEY'RE the wrong ones - I'm the one who knows what's going on in education now, while they're behind the times and educating future generations of moderate to poor teachers.

I hate them.

I hate them for what they did to me...

I hate that I regret such a large portion of my still-short lifetime.

I hate that I don't want to go back there, that I'm not PROUD of where I came from.

I hope this feeling goes away someday...and soon :-(



They let me down

Best day ever???

NO SCHOOOOOOOOOOL!!!!!!!!!!!





(it's so great, it nearly feels like a snow day!)



(P.S. Please let there be lots of those this year!)


(P.P.S. I hope that doesn't make me sound terrible, it's just it's the most exhausting job and I work more than 12 hours every day and I do a better job when I have some time off to just think and consider my effectiveness.  And I mean that 100%)


Lalalaaaaaaa life gets me SO confused.  I enjoyed the poetry festival.
So much to think about...........I think I'll just go to bed!

:-p

It's funny to be so jealous of something even knowing that it's incredibly flawed.


Feeling unsettled......

And Another Thing

I just want to go back in time.  Back to those times where I felt like I belonged somewhere and like someone KNEW me.

I don't even believe in those moments anymore

What a mistake

Everything I believed was in vain.  Everything I fought for was only there in my imagination.




...so it's no surprise I'd rather live there than in reality.



But even that place is gone now.  It's been several weeks and I feel broken.

No one can really relate to me and my ambitions.  It makes me feel good, because maybe it means that I alone can do what I intend to do.  It makes me feel awful, because maybe I'm just insane and doomed to be lonely.  Lonely not because of being special, but lonely because of being stupid.

What's that?  Only time will tell, and the joke of it is that it probably won't tell me 'til it's too late.

The beauty of it:  Time only tells it's secrets once it's already gone.

#400

I just wanted someone who thinks like me.





When I explain it, the fact that you STILL don't understand just makes my point more pointed.
You Don't Get It.