I don't know what happened

I'm confused.







It felt like everything shut off...




Increasingly convinced I'm no good.

I don't know what to think.

How can I go home after this?

Please be ok.



I need my dreams and my reality to find some middle ground. It confuses me.

Just Realized

I was so intent on getting my job applications to a semi-finished state that I forgot to shower (went to the gym tonight before getting roped into all this).



Good thing I packed yesterday, because I am going to have quite a day tomorrow. Hoping this snow is all a big exaggeration :-/





I'm looking forward to break, but I'm not looking forward to feeling guilty about not having all my work done.

Wondering

How am I going to stay on top of Job applications and do all my classwork?






This is going to be a long couple of months 'til I find out what I'm going to do next year and where I'll be going.






P.S. In my head, everything's perfect. Then I realize just how reality really is.

I better

get a job soon because I have no time/patience to fill out application after application...



*sigh*

Nothing fits anymore

...I didn't realize how bad I'd gotten...I've got to stop this. I can barely look at myself.

I'm Really

Searching for a way out of this.



It crushes me.



It keeps me so alone.



Life is better than it's been in a long time...but it's not near enough.





All of it - my emotions, my hopes, my dreams - takes so much out of me, and right now I have no way to put it all back in. I'm doing the best I can...please don't make me wait much longer.

It only takes a second

For no matter how stressful my day is, lying in bed and knowing that we're on our way to being OK - that we'll always be there for each other - takes away all the worry and fear.





I wish that was enough for you.

It's Cool.

I know that what we have may not be as meaningful as it is to me...I know I take it too seriously. I'm sorry that I do, because it makes things more complicated.

....but it gives me great hope that everything will end OK. Looking forward to our adventures keeps me on that fine line I walk most of the time. Things just feel better. And as long as I have a friend who gives me joy, support, and strength...I'm on the right track. I can't thank you enough for that.


I've got about a million things to do this weekend (not an exaggeration). I can get them done though...knowing that break is a week away helps a lot. I think this is the least stressed I've been during midterms week ever :-) There are moments that start to overwhelm me, but I've got help if I need it.

I should get to bed. I'm going to find my inner inspiration and motivation again. I just have to think about my old students. I was SO GOOD for me to see them again. I miss them. And I'm going to get myself to a healthy place where I can be good for them, too.

Once again

I woke up in a cold sweat

P.S.

Confusion leads to possibility.

I miss you.

This too...

"think of your art as a work in progress. that takes the heat off of it having to be perfect all the time.
keep working on your art, your vision, your catalog. dedicate your work life to that, and things will work out. "

Brilliantly Right

"all the trouble in the world is going to come for you in two ways. the things you say, and the things you agree to do. be very careful about these items."

Oh boy...

Can't keep this up for forever. I feel like I dream all the good stuff that happens...

I have to escape this trap

The words cut right through me.

:-(

My lack of confidence is directly affecting my job applications. If I don't think I can do it, how will my interviewers?

After Everything...

I'll still believe.










"especially waiting for you my friend is tough" (6/26/00)

Happy Anniversary...

...to my arm. A year ago today it was cut up to look for cancer. Not a day goes by that I don't think about it.

Very Hard to Hear

Give me a reason to tell them they're wrong.

I feel...

overwhelmed.


Had trouble sleeping again last night - I haven't slept through the night in a long, long time. I'm 100% sure it's due to the temperature of my room. Facilities came last week and "fixed" it, but it still won't get cold. I know this is dumb, but I don't want to open my window cuz the extreme cold will hurt my plants :-(


I'm feeling overwhelmed. I worked all weekend, but nothing's done. I have so much to do today...and I'm already tired and it's only Monday. I'm in over my head. I don't know how I'm going to get a job, on top of that.


:-(


Hopefully I'll feel better later.

I think...

the thing that's hardest for me has been keeping all these things I think inside.

I guess on one hand, I'm always afraid if I let them out, I won't be able to get them back under control again.



Things are better than they've been in a very long time. Why can't I just be happy with that?





Cross your fingers for a snow day on Wednesday. I could really REALLY use that extra time to get some things crossed off my LONG list of things to do!

Thankfully

The weekend is almost over.





:-(

Another Friday Night

Today my dreams just hurt.







I know how boring I am. I know I don't fit in here.

I know I'm not at all heavy, but I can still feel the extra weight on me - the way my clothes don't feel right - every time I move I feel it. I hope I can get it to go away.



I have to stop spending money - I have to find a way to earn some - or I'm going to have to cancel the trip. I hope that I remember that more often.



On a positive note, my car was towed and it will be fixed TOMORROW. I've been car-less for almost THREE WEEKS and it's driving me nuts! I can't wait to get behind the wheel again :-)

Two Things (or maybe three?)

1) I detest frats/sororities/Greek life in general.

2) I can't wait to play my guitar this weekend.

3) It's really hard to be in a bad mood when I've got all this amazing music to listen to!








ohhh one more thing...

4) I'm REALLY glad that this departmental honors thing seems to be working out. If it goes the direction I think it will...this might just bring back my desire to teach :-)






oh yeah oh yeah!

5) The Turkey Hill convenience store had EXTRA SHARP CHEDDAR CHEESE in stock :-D I know I just went to the gym...but a little can't hurt :-p

Then

something reminds you what's really important.

Ya know...

I had a really, really good weekend.

Thought

I always feel better after going to the gym.




It occurred to me that a reason I'm scared of getting a job is that I'm afraid that I won't like my career. Reasonable fear, I think. But then I realized that I was placing almost all of my happiness on this career. And you know what?? At the end of the day, it really will just be a job. What I mean is this: I will have a life. I will have time to follow my interests outside of my career, to develop myself. I will have friends and my family...I will have myself. I can always change jobs someday. No one thing can really bring me down.

I'm alrighty now, and I'll be alrighty then.

Positiveee meeeeee la de da deeeeeeee!

:-p

Today

I don't feel valued.

I closed that door, I guess. At least I was honest :-) Shows that it was never supposed to happen, anyway.




I would like to know that I am cared for. All I think about when I say that was Tom Robbins' quote -

"Love is the ultimate outlaw. It just won't adhere to any rules. The most any of us can do is to sign on as its accomplice. Instead of vowing to honor and obey, maybe we should swear to love and abet. That would mean that security is out of the question. The words "make" and "stay" become inappropriate. My love for you has no strings attached. I love you for free."

He's right - there's no such thing as security, especially not in a relationship.

Doesn't mean I wouldn't like it :-p



If I can't have that...openness and tenderness would be lovely.



Or maybe I would just like to get rid of my jealousy and fear.


Well, tomorrow's another day :-)

Snow is Falling

The semester's going OK. It's not perfect, but it's not unbearable. And there are moments during which I enjoy myself, if only when I'm rallying for straws in the cafeteria (I'm pleased to announce they have reappeared).

This is a great mix tape. Fits well with the soft snow outside my window :-)

You know, I guess I don't know what to say. There are some things I'm really looking forward to in the next few months, and a few people I will very much miss when I go. But I'm frustrated with this place. I focus on the things I need to do for myself: my work, my music, my friends. The little things :-)

I do need to find my passion again. Last semester seems so far away...I miss some of the people, but the experience was so hard on me a part of me wants to put it far, far away.

On the bright side, I may have finally figured out how to be a composer :-) And while I still have a very, very long way to go, my playing isn't stuck on a plateau anymore :-) Maybe it's because I'm no longer distracted during my practice sessions!!! :-p


I'm doing alright.
I have high hopes :-)
We're all going to be ok

AND...

I passed all my Praxis tests!!!!!!!!!!!


woooooooooooooot



:-D

My Horoscope

says that today my most important plans will be a success - I'm feeling that this could be right!!!


Well...provided I finish this homework assignment :-p

Goal

Keep my beautifully clean room clean!!!!!!!!!!

I feel disgusted by the weight I gained. I just want it OFF me

I'm afraid

of hurting you, of hurting myself.

I know how I feel, but none of that matters.




I want to try. I want to see what happens.

I despise

how pathetic I can be. This morning I was perfectly content with the way things were. I had accepted what this weekend was. I knew exactly what I was doing, and expected nothing else.

Now I've tarnished something that was nice and happy.





I want you to be happy more than anything. It tears me up to see you sad.

It's Wrong

of me to ask for something when you're sick.






forgive me

February

I don't know what the answer is. I don't know which path to take.











This is where I should tell myself that nobody knows what they're doing, especially at this age. That things are going to be OK - that what's supposed to happen will happen. That I know I'm a strong, competent individual and I know I'll persevere through whatever happens. That I have plenty of time and opportunities to get it right. That I can love myself, and that's all the love I'll really ever need. That every day I'll keep waking up and going to bed and living in between. That I should love the things I have, the simple things, the happy things, the sad things. That all of those things make up our existence, and I couldn't really be ME without them.

I can get through today.