Nothing hurts more than the realization that someone else doesn't care as much as you do.

Again

Having those conversations in my head again...

Wouldn't be so bad if they weren't so much better than the real ones I have.

Go out of your way for them....

Who'd go out of their way for me

No longer welcome at home and now my freaking bank account isn't working, which could potentially prevent me from having somewhere to live.



LOVELY.

I don't want to teach...WAIT I MEAN BABYSIT...these kids - I want my old students back. And by old, I mean the ones I used to teach, and I mean ones that are old enough to f'ing tie their own shoes.

How can I teach something I don't like

Pg. 147

"Because a new love affair always gives hope, the irrational mortal loneliness is always crowned..."

ah, yes. The irrational mortal loneliness.

Even when....

Even when things are going ok, I get jealous.

Stressed

I don't want solutions or answers: I just want someone to reassure me. Or something. I don't even know :-(







I wish it wasn't ALWAYS hard. I miss the old days when I could just sit in your room and ramble about nothing and feel like a person - not a babysitting machine - where it was comfortable and there was solitudeness to it.

But maybe I'm just making the old stuff out to be better than it really was :-/

P.S. Word on the street is that I got the apartment.

Today has been a pretty not good day.






And now a book that I need has gone missing :-/

When I...

When I get my apartment, I'm going to hang up a bunch of large sheets of paper on the wall and write down all my goals/plans/hopes/dreams for the rest of forever as I think of them.

Some preliminary plans:

-Travel to: British Isles, Germany, Mexico, Africa (Ghana, for one, even though my 5 year old student told me that I can't go there b/c I'm white - lol), Egypt, Russia, Japan, China, Australia, Italy, etc.
-Learn Spanish, actually become fluent in German, as well as a bunch of other languages...
-get to Maine/Boston/everywhere that direction North in 2011
-get to Seattle and Montana soon after that (2013? I should get to Alaska sometime soon too)
-Collect musical instruments (including foreign ones)
-start a choir for the 2010-2011 year at my job
-start a band for the 2011-2012 year at my job (must remember to get the $ somehow)
-revolutionize education in America
-possibly write a book
-get my name as an answer to the music praxis test
-compose something for REAL and get it published (possibly flute trios? Though I did like the brass quintet I wrote...)
-get my masters, and maybe my doctorates somewhere alone the line
-conduct
-paint a house (inside, possibly outside as well)
-learn to improv for REAL on my flute (not just 4 bar trade-offs in jazz band)
-paint a mural
-get in shape! (I'd like to be able to run for 20-30 minutes...not the 2 minutes I'm at now

Well, I could go on all night I guess so I should stop for now...there'll be plenty of time to dream up more, I suppose.

Reflection

What's that phrase?

That thing about how something so...cliche or banal isn't good enough for someone so unique and offbeat?

Sometimes I hope that could apply to me...helps me feel a little less lonely when I don't fit into the crowd.

I still really really really really really need to get a planner. ASAP. Otherwise I have a feeling I might forget important things :-/







I don't have the money for this weekend, but it'd absolutely break my heart to not go. I hope I'm not making a bad decision.

Painfully Aware

Have you ever watched someone else - for example, in a movie - act absolutely stupidly and know very clearly that you're headed down the exact same path?

Stuck on fast and just moving faster :-/

Wouldn't it be Loverly

...if I had more time for you and me.

Week 3

I wish I wasn't such a bitchy person.

How is it that my horoscope always knows what's going through my head?

No Time

I have a lot to say because I'm thinking a lot.

School is fine - the only problem is that it consumes me.

So confused about things...I don't know what I want.

I have to go to bed - I can't keep my eyes open.

Today was

your choice.

Three Hours

of sleep tonight - I hope. Not really ready for the AM, but I'll get by.

I remembered tonight I like being alone. When given the option of 20 or so of my peers (who I actually do really like) or dinner alone, I chose my book. It's better that way anyway.



It's a shame, you know.
But I can't help it. Maybe it's about time - no more pretending.

Again

Too bad.

I know

I've always been this way. Denial and Dreams are better to me than anything real.




And if 80 steps several times a day can't do it...



Too bad I'm too selfish to do what's best for them.

Summer School

It starts today, and I got way less than 3 hours of sleep last night.

I hope it works out - me and those little kids.

And another thing...

People who are too uncreative or unmotivated to find their own favorite quotes on facebook should not steal other people's favorite quotes. It's super lame.

Back Again

Very irritated because my "boss" gave me the wrong information regarding my assignment...could have had it done days ago, but now I'm up working on it still. On the 4th of July.

Interesting conversation with someone who does not consider herself American (left Mexico when she was three). Helps me think in a new way.

Tired and frustrated. This weekend was kind of a bust...unsure about so much - even the good things.

I need to be able to deal with what's been going on. I'm increasingly alone in my life, and I increasing feel that I have no one to relate to. Just more of life's apparent plan to make me think I'm crazy. Tired of begging to feel valued - wish I never turned into this person who can't do anything for herself.


P.S. Remember to get a yearly planner that goes 'til next summer. I can't keep track of it all anymore

Summer Bummer

I have a secret: I found out I gained 10 lbs since last summer. I attribute it to the high levels of stress caused by senior year (which also led to incredibly bad eating habits and lack of time to go to the gym). This can't continue...so it's the gym and healthy(er) eating for me.

Exhausted with lots left to do :-(

I can't wait for this week to be over