Well

F me.

Allergies go away.

Tomorrow will be a better day.

BlahBlahBlah

I'm gonna give myself the best life ever.

I'm also going to be the best at my job ever.

If only I could find a quality gym!!!!

But seriously...I'm tired of being willing to give more than I can get in this situation. If I'm going to be the best, I'm going to get the best.

There's stars in my eyes and there's sun in my hair...

Very frustrated.

Gimme a break.

Phony

:-(

Toooooo bad that you're no fun and can't be spontaneous and coolio like SOME people you know.

Or maybe it's not you...maybe it's me :-(

tired

never enough

understand...KNOW

Once in a Lullaby

Vision

I must admit, I'm starting to feel rich! Haha...

I want to do EVERYTHING.

...and I want to see the happy ending.

twinge

What a strange word; I'm not even sure I pronounce it correctly.

Hoping I do the right thing all the time at work....

It's funny: I am extremely aware that being around you often helps me to be...MORE, and because of you I am probably in a much better place with more promise than I might be had you not been around, or had you let me get what I want...

Whyyyyyyy

Are we a seesaw?

One moment we're on the same page, the next we couldn't possibly see eye to eye.

it drives me mad. Where's the stability? Where's the sanity?

I miss being a floor away when I could pop up and share and pop out when I was ready to go.

Someone explain to me: I want independence AND I want someone there

Cutting coupons, making shopping lists...

I had to plan out all of my dinners this week - WEIIIIIRD.

Combined with the fact that I'm stressing about bills, this officially means I'm an adult.

It's strange that it doesn't feel more different ?:-/

...I like cutting coupons though!!!!!!!!!!!! :-D :-D

AND it's rainy - mmm good. Which reminds me - I need to buy hot chocolate!

Summer's Over

It's official: Work OFFICIALLY starts on Monday.

BUT...it's OK :-) I had a fantastic summer - thanks BUNCHES for being my best friend - I know it's not easy; I hope yours was as good as mine :-)

We'll see what comes next :-o




At least I have a coolio planner to put coolio new things in!

*itch itch itch*

Goodnight

Allergies bite.

Eyes are suuuuuuuuuper itchy :-(

Argh argh argh

get meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

oh yeah

I watched "If you really knew me" on MTV. I was (am) intrigued. Thoughts will continue.

Even without communication, I wonder about you a lot. I wonder if this is enough for you to wonder about me and my wellbeing too?

Kinda weirded out at the dr. tonight...is there some reason to check my cholesterol???

Not feeling too great, I've got lots to do tomorrow, and I'm not feeling particularly motivated.

On the bright side, home feels good :-)

Strange how last month my horoscope mentioned I was working with kids, and this month it mentions a contract. Eerie.

It's amazing how unproductive I can be in an entire day.

On the bright side, I cleaned my apartment - SUPER CLEANED - swept, mopped, wiped, cleaned everything from the floor to counter/tabletops to the walls. - wowwie kaboodles!

I know some things SHOULDN'T be big deals...but they are. Is that a fault in myself? Should I change my expectations? I hate feeling like I look forward to things more than others.

On the other bright side, I think I'm handling this experience much better than some of my peers. While I get mildly pissed off, I'm fairly alright and going with the flow. Am I less uptight than previously thought?????

Last thought - I need a gym. Preferably an affordable one. One with a good mixture of people - not just Rocky wannabees or middle-aged women. :-/

More sessions tomorrow, then the Dr. Haven't quite figured out how to explain what I am right now, and it's terribly embarrassing. Either way doesn't really sound right - probably because the truth sounds pathetic and the lie sounds bad too. You know what? On second thought...I think the lie IS the truth - I just don't think I want to accept it.

I need to get my REAL journal - I feel so constricted on this site. I don't want to give myself away, but I hate speaking in what feels like a code.

You know how certain things - songs, sounds, smells, whatever - bring back floods of memories? it's so bittersweet when they hit.

She tells herself that she did her best

Through all the trials, they had been blessed

But she still longs to have her fun...

Wellpers, I need to get back to this curriculum...early morning tomorrow, and probably a late night. Doing what I can right now, and, for the most part, I'm doin' alright I think. Got a lot of dreams, got a lot of wishes...but what would life be without them?

Someday, when I'm gone - I want someone who never knew me to walk into my room, look around, and wish that they knew me based on how interesting my room looks. Heck, I wish I could put someone I've never met in my room, then interview them to find out what they presume me to be like.

Or maybe I just want someone to look closely and see the parts of me that other people don't.

"Love (it is such a relief to pen the word!), love, love—"

^It never loses it's impact. After 12 years, I'M still in love with it.

Ella Enchanted is on TV. I've boycotted it for years, but I've decided to watch it to see how badly they butchered what's been my favorite book since I was 10.

...it's worse than I thought :-(

At least there's always Gilmore Girls

When I was little,

the cool response to a question was "up your butt and around the corner"

WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?!?!?!?!

Also...my latest dream consisted entirely of me taking my contacts out and then putting them back in. Is that really the best my subconscious can do?

grumble

Doin that thing right now when I create problems when nothing is really wrong.

You can try to fix it up all that you like, but it's still no good when I can't figure out a way to be happy even for a bit.

And even thinking about it makes me wish for the way it was in high school...and I know that's not right, and I know things have changed and that I made this decision because I KNEW what the right choice was, and I wanted to say NO I'm not that lonely, I'm not that sad or desperate - I can take what the world throws at me and I can throw it right back atcha, and I'm gonna get what I want, and I'm gonna do it right, and the world's gonna come out better and so will I.

But I still wish sometimes for that connection and that ease with which I could connect with another person and not feel so lonely for a little bit. Back when it all seemed natural...

And then I tell myself it WASN'T easy, and I know that's right.

Internal argument with myself.

Back to lesson planning - I really, really hope my visions come true.

Train Ride

Sat next to a guy on the train today - he had a number 2 pencil and a pad of paper and was sketching a picture of two women that looked like they were twentysomething. He let me watch.

The sketches were fantastic - really detailed (one woman had beaded hair), they had a good shape - he caught their bodies really well. Not too complicated - they wore shorts or jeans and t-shirts, but the clothes hugged them the right way and he used smudging well, and I was impressed.

His pencil broke at one point, and he had to take out a knife and re-sharpen it - caught me off guard at first.

He drew even with the jolting of the train.

He didn't have an eraser, so I gave him my spare pencil with a brand new eraser and told him to keep it - so glad I turned back to grab that pencil this morning as I walked out the door.

Something little popped up to remind me of what I no longer have...facebook DOES suck. So does trying to remind myself that what I had wasn't as good as I seem to remember it was.

Workshops start tomorrow - time to be busy again. Thinking of applying to be a volunteer at a theater in the area - not sure if the time commitment is worth it, but it'll immerse me in what I love: music and theater. If only my printer worked and I could fill out the application form!

I feel like the person I am is getting in the way of the person I want to be.

I had fun at the beach...hearing you say that I freak out whenever things are good really scared me (though I think I needed to hear it).

Ready?

I have several 10 year plans.

20s: Teach. Become AMAZING at it. Work with kids in ALL grades from K-12, start choir/band/theater programs...become an expert and save people.

30s: Educational Leadership. Principal? Start my own charter school? Continue to work with kids (either through teaching or additional programs). Get a clue as to WHAT IS WRONG with America's education systems. Have masters...get doctorates?

4Os: Revolutionize. Take everything I know about what's wrong with education and fix it. Secretary of Ed? Write statewide curriculum? Ensure that music and the arts are IN SCHOOLS.

50s: College. Fix up the teacher colleges in this world that are BAD and are churning out thousands of BAD TEACHERS and contributing to the problem. Guide future leaders. Keep teaching - do something with music (conduct? arrange?)

60s: Continue...write a book?

70s: Half-retire (teach a couple classes, dabble in more music stuff)

80s: Take on a couple students - consult? Start my pineapple farm :-)

This was really exciting whenever I said it out loud, but on paper...ugh. :-/

Insecurity.

Word of the hour:

Conflict.

With others, with myself.

WhoWhatWhereWhenWhyHow

everyday questions.

Almost Unpacked

As long as I don't get distracted (argh), I'll be finished unpacking tomorrow morning. The room looks good, but I'm super excited to get my bed on Friday - the air mattress got old reallllly fast :-p

Pretty beat, considering I haven't left the apartment all day. I guess I'll get to bed. If I get done by lunchtime, I've decided to go to Central Park and walk around for a few hours tomorrow afternoon - I need to get out of the apartment a bit, and I've never been up to the north section of the park. I figure I won't have tons of leisure time after next week, so I might as well go out when I can tomorrow :-)

Unsure about a couple things at the moment. I guess it doesn't really matter right now, so I try not to worry about it and focus on what I need to focus on.

Goodnight

Scratch That

It's not going to be easy, but this month is MY month.

I am so much better off than I was just three months ago at school.

Nothing seems to be working out.

I want to get my room to be superawesomecreativebeautiful

So far, it's only caused me extreme worry and tension with family.

Here's to tomorrow and Monday :-/