...do I stay up so late??
Another busy one tomorrow. I think I've got a handle on it - keep your fingers crossed :-)
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Not Enough Time in a Day
Here's another 2 AM bedtime - when things happen, they ALL happen.
Doing OK - it's not always easy, but I know I'm not alone.
Better get some shut-eye: Five classes, work, 2 meetings, plus lots of hw and practicing tomorrow.
Speaking of practicing - I've been playing about 4 hours total each day (not counting my violin and piano practice). It's been pretty good, but my body isn't taking the beating too well. Everything aches.
Looking forward to a little relaxation and fun this weekend!
Doing OK - it's not always easy, but I know I'm not alone.
Better get some shut-eye: Five classes, work, 2 meetings, plus lots of hw and practicing tomorrow.
Speaking of practicing - I've been playing about 4 hours total each day (not counting my violin and piano practice). It's been pretty good, but my body isn't taking the beating too well. Everything aches.
Looking forward to a little relaxation and fun this weekend!
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Now
I've got a lot going on, a lot of decisions to make, and I've never had to do anything like this before and it's worrying me and a bit upsetting.
I feel like I picked the wrong major.
I don't know if I can go into an interview and pretend that I love what I'm doing and I'm excited.
I feel like I picked the wrong major.
I don't know if I can go into an interview and pretend that I love what I'm doing and I'm excited.
Monday, January 25, 2010
Saturday, January 23, 2010
Friday, January 22, 2010
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
It's been a long day...
I need this too.
From Tuesdays with Morrie:
"Life is a series of pulls back and forth. You want to do one thing, but you are bound to do something else. Something hurts you, yet you know it shouldn't. You take certain things for granted, even when you know you should never take anything for granted. A tension of opposites, like a pull on a rubber band. And most of us live somewhere in the middle".-Morrie
"Sounds like a wrestling match".-Mitch
"A wrestling match, you could describe life that way"-Morrie
"So which side wins?"-Mitch
"Love wins. Love always wins".-Morrie
From Tuesdays with Morrie:
"Life is a series of pulls back and forth. You want to do one thing, but you are bound to do something else. Something hurts you, yet you know it shouldn't. You take certain things for granted, even when you know you should never take anything for granted. A tension of opposites, like a pull on a rubber band. And most of us live somewhere in the middle".-Morrie
"Sounds like a wrestling match".-Mitch
"A wrestling match, you could describe life that way"-Morrie
"So which side wins?"-Mitch
"Love wins. Love always wins".-Morrie
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
How?
I'm going to shed my negativity and my anger.
What good could that ever do for me?
nichts nichts nichts.
JA! Gute Nacht :)
What good could that ever do for me?
nichts nichts nichts.
JA! Gute Nacht :)
What I Want
My horoscope this morning told me to spend the evening figuring out what I really want. I thought about this quite a bit...now, there are quite a few things I could put on this list very easily - I'm trying to come up with something deeper, I guess.
Tomorrow morning I will begin my last semester. Very mixed emotions about this one. On one hand, there's nothing I'd like better than to GET OUT haha. On the other hand...I want to enjoy it.
I've got a LOT going on these next few months. I hope I stay focused, and I hope I accomplish the things I'm hoping to get done. I'm going to try my best to really improve my playing - and to ENJOY playing again. I don't want it to be the chore that I dread. I have my last audition tomorrow afternoon. I signed up to be first. I spent hours practicing the last few days, and there's not much more I can do. I have to find my heart in the music again. I have to feel it. I'll go in and play the best I can. There's nothing else I can do. What happens, happens.
I hope I find a job I will enjoy. I hope it's challenging, and I hope I help.
I hope my parents find happiness. I can't help them; I can't solve their problems. It wears on me just like it wears on them. I'll do what I can.
I feel left out and betrayed by a lot of people here. It's taking some effort on my part to let it go. I hope I can do this.
I'm struggling with my emotions - battling FEAR. Last year a friend told me he felt that he was under this pressure to make every decision immediately, and that every decision was final. I didn't understand then. I understand now. With a career in my future, friends and family making decisions to move away or go off in a new direction...
I feel like I'm walking down a path with hundreds of little offshoots. I can't slow myself down, and I can't get off the paths I pick. I only hope I'm going in the right direction, but I won't know until I spend all my time getting to the end.
With that in mind, I think I know what I want.
I want TIME. I want the opportunity to explore, to learn, to adventure! to discover, to experiment, to love, to lose, to grow, to experience. And I want to enjoy each and every one of the millions and billions of seconds I have.
I've been living for the end of the story...but the story itself is in what happens BEFORE the ending.
It's hard right now, but you know what? I spent 8 hours today in a library! How amazing is that! I love the smell of books, I love standing in front of shelf after shelf of books looking at the titles - being overwhelmed by the IDEAS that surround me. I spent 3 hours today singing. Singing is much different to me than it used to be. I remember the beauty I FELT through each and every one of the cells in my body, the joy, the pain, back when it was new. I can appreciate that again. I know I can love it again. I spent 2 hours practicing today. I chose my friend's old favorite room. It's quiet, peaceful. Nobody distracts me there. I tried to play with emotion again, today. I nailed that awful run in the beginning of the piece that I spent hours working on. I could do it. And I'm going to do it again and again if I want to. And I'm going to SAY something with each note I make. I talked to some friends today. It was nicer than eating alone. I can do that again. I'll do that tomorrow.
I want to feel again. I want to believe again.
I can do that.
Tomorrow morning I will begin my last semester. Very mixed emotions about this one. On one hand, there's nothing I'd like better than to GET OUT haha. On the other hand...I want to enjoy it.
I've got a LOT going on these next few months. I hope I stay focused, and I hope I accomplish the things I'm hoping to get done. I'm going to try my best to really improve my playing - and to ENJOY playing again. I don't want it to be the chore that I dread. I have my last audition tomorrow afternoon. I signed up to be first. I spent hours practicing the last few days, and there's not much more I can do. I have to find my heart in the music again. I have to feel it. I'll go in and play the best I can. There's nothing else I can do. What happens, happens.
I hope I find a job I will enjoy. I hope it's challenging, and I hope I help.
I hope my parents find happiness. I can't help them; I can't solve their problems. It wears on me just like it wears on them. I'll do what I can.
I feel left out and betrayed by a lot of people here. It's taking some effort on my part to let it go. I hope I can do this.
I'm struggling with my emotions - battling FEAR. Last year a friend told me he felt that he was under this pressure to make every decision immediately, and that every decision was final. I didn't understand then. I understand now. With a career in my future, friends and family making decisions to move away or go off in a new direction...
I feel like I'm walking down a path with hundreds of little offshoots. I can't slow myself down, and I can't get off the paths I pick. I only hope I'm going in the right direction, but I won't know until I spend all my time getting to the end.
With that in mind, I think I know what I want.
I want TIME. I want the opportunity to explore, to learn, to adventure! to discover, to experiment, to love, to lose, to grow, to experience. And I want to enjoy each and every one of the millions and billions of seconds I have.
I've been living for the end of the story...but the story itself is in what happens BEFORE the ending.
It's hard right now, but you know what? I spent 8 hours today in a library! How amazing is that! I love the smell of books, I love standing in front of shelf after shelf of books looking at the titles - being overwhelmed by the IDEAS that surround me. I spent 3 hours today singing. Singing is much different to me than it used to be. I remember the beauty I FELT through each and every one of the cells in my body, the joy, the pain, back when it was new. I can appreciate that again. I know I can love it again. I spent 2 hours practicing today. I chose my friend's old favorite room. It's quiet, peaceful. Nobody distracts me there. I tried to play with emotion again, today. I nailed that awful run in the beginning of the piece that I spent hours working on. I could do it. And I'm going to do it again and again if I want to. And I'm going to SAY something with each note I make. I talked to some friends today. It was nicer than eating alone. I can do that again. I'll do that tomorrow.
I want to feel again. I want to believe again.
I can do that.
Monday, January 18, 2010
Sunday, January 17, 2010
Friday, January 15, 2010
Awake
I wish I didn't care, because if I didn't care it wouldn't hurt.
After what happened to me my first year here, I didn't think I could trust someone again. I didn't think I could let them in...
And then you came along, and it was a risk...it was scary and it was unsure and I didn't know what to do. And then I let you in and I gave you place in my life.
Is there no room for me?
After what happened to me my first year here, I didn't think I could trust someone again. I didn't think I could let them in...
And then you came along, and it was a risk...it was scary and it was unsure and I didn't know what to do. And then I let you in and I gave you place in my life.
Is there no room for me?
Thursday, January 14, 2010
I feel ugly...
...so I figure I LOOK ugly too.
I miss being happy every day. I hope I can find the ability in myself to be that again.
I'm playing in the temporary percussion ensemble tomorrow :-) I may not know much about what I'm doing, but I feel super cool playing the xylophone :-p
I found out that the cat I found near the parking lot last semester has a home - one of the security guys kept it. He said it's superly friendly and wonderful, but he has another cat too and if I'd like the one I found when I graduate and get my own apartment, I can have him!!!!!
You mean the world to me. I wish so badly that I meant the world to you too.
I miss being happy every day. I hope I can find the ability in myself to be that again.
I'm playing in the temporary percussion ensemble tomorrow :-) I may not know much about what I'm doing, but I feel super cool playing the xylophone :-p
I found out that the cat I found near the parking lot last semester has a home - one of the security guys kept it. He said it's superly friendly and wonderful, but he has another cat too and if I'd like the one I found when I graduate and get my own apartment, I can have him!!!!!
You mean the world to me. I wish so badly that I meant the world to you too.
Doesn't Make a Difference
Didn't do much today, but I figure that's alright. Getting up and packing for school tomorrow. Hoping to get back by 3:00 so I can unpack and do some grocery shopping for my newly rearranged room.
I wish things were different, but nothing's going to fix it so I'm not going to just slip back into the way things were so that we can suffer longer. I know how this works. I've gone back before...and it didn't do ANY good. We don't have a future and it's time for me to accept that. It doesn't matter what we want if what we want doesn't work.
I wish things were different, but nothing's going to fix it so I'm not going to just slip back into the way things were so that we can suffer longer. I know how this works. I've gone back before...and it didn't do ANY good. We don't have a future and it's time for me to accept that. It doesn't matter what we want if what we want doesn't work.
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
New Blog
It's not much yet, but I'm driving across the country this summer and I'll be documenting it here: http://keroadtrip.blogspot.com/
If you have any advice, please share it!! This summer I'll be uploading pictures of the things we see on our adventure :-D
If you have any advice, please share it!! This summer I'll be uploading pictures of the things we see on our adventure :-D
P.S.
I saw the movie Children of Men yesterday and thought it was a brilliant concept.
And I hate the fact that I was cut from the musical.
And I hate the fact that I was cut from the musical.
Bad Morning
Last night I had a nightmare that something happened to you and I wasn't there because of this and I lost the chance to ever spend time with you again.
I woke up upset, and I know I'm supposed to go back to school tomorrow and there's no way you're going to drive up and knock on my door and tell me that you want me in your life. And that makes me sad, mad at myself, a million things. And I know that I should already know this - I should already expect this...it was foolish of me to think that there was any possibility of anything, even friendship, after all the things we went through. And the worst part is that we're in the same situation - trying to accept things that we can't change - but we can't help one another. I'm sorry I did this to you over and over and over...but I'm not going to do it again. I'm not going to go back, because it doesn't do us any good. Everything just turns sour again sooner or later, and I put you through it all again.
So here I sit - analyzing everything and searching for clues or signs that everything will turn out happily, but the problem is that any signs I see don't really exist because they're manifestations of my own hopes and desires and I MAKE them signs. When really they're just nothing. (I've spent a lot of time thinking about this the last few days). It'd be worse if I heard anything anyway, because it'd just add to temptation and give me false hope.
I'm counting on the fact that I'll be busier at school and hoping that it will motivate me in some way. Until then I'm just going to sit here and wait for the hours to pass. What's the point, anyway.
I woke up upset, and I know I'm supposed to go back to school tomorrow and there's no way you're going to drive up and knock on my door and tell me that you want me in your life. And that makes me sad, mad at myself, a million things. And I know that I should already know this - I should already expect this...it was foolish of me to think that there was any possibility of anything, even friendship, after all the things we went through. And the worst part is that we're in the same situation - trying to accept things that we can't change - but we can't help one another. I'm sorry I did this to you over and over and over...but I'm not going to do it again. I'm not going to go back, because it doesn't do us any good. Everything just turns sour again sooner or later, and I put you through it all again.
So here I sit - analyzing everything and searching for clues or signs that everything will turn out happily, but the problem is that any signs I see don't really exist because they're manifestations of my own hopes and desires and I MAKE them signs. When really they're just nothing. (I've spent a lot of time thinking about this the last few days). It'd be worse if I heard anything anyway, because it'd just add to temptation and give me false hope.
I'm counting on the fact that I'll be busier at school and hoping that it will motivate me in some way. Until then I'm just going to sit here and wait for the hours to pass. What's the point, anyway.
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Another Day
Well, I'll admit - I had a pretty unproductive morning. Watched Gilmore Girls, surfed the net...that's about it. I get pretty depressed knowing that this is how it is.
Anyway, I tagged along to the mall with a friend and picked up the latest Tom Robbins (CANNOT WAIT to take a look at it!) and another Ron Clark book - I'm hoping to jump start my excitement for the next semester by reading inspirational books on teaching (not so sure it's working, but it's a good read).
Because I went out to the mall, I missed all but the last ten minutes of the radio show. The last song nearly killed me - "I promised I wouldn't play any DMB, but here we go..." - I thought it was THE song. I nearly freaked haha. It wasn't of course, but I'm planning on listening to the whole show when it pops up on the 'net. Hoping to catch some interesting things about Phish.
I'm going to try to get out tonight - distract myself a little.
Thought about getting the new iTunes download, but I don't want to spring $10 when I only really want one song and can't really afford it...I saw Jake posted that the tour dates will most likely be out this week. I'm psyched - I'd really like to buy early to get good seats, but I can't really afford that either, plus I'm worried about buying when I'm not sure where/what I'll be doing this summer.
I HAVE to get at least the essay for the standard application written today or tomorrow. Which means I'm going to have to chill out and focus. And stop playing FreeCell :-p
One more thought - There seems to be an abundance of TV shows about dysfunctional families. I thought at first that maybe it would help me feel better? But actually...it makes me feel worse. Now, when I say "dysfunctional," I don't mean that the family has issues and/or is slightly nuts. I mean...that the parents act INCREDIBLY childish - more childish than their kids. This is NOT OK with me. Parents shouldn't need their kids to take care of them. Parents shouldn't act petty, or resort to middle school behavior when dealing with problems. Divorced parents shouldn't try to win their kids over by buying them things or pointing out flaws in their ex-spouses. Parents shouldn't tell their kids that life sucks all the time and that they should give up hope. Parents shouldn't weigh their kids down with their problems. Parents and kids are NOT equals. Even when they're grown up. Parents need friends for those types of things.
...whenever I'm watching TV or a movie with my family and someone mentions divorce - doesn't matter if it's a parent or a kid - I feel incredibly awkward.
Anyway, I tagged along to the mall with a friend and picked up the latest Tom Robbins (CANNOT WAIT to take a look at it!) and another Ron Clark book - I'm hoping to jump start my excitement for the next semester by reading inspirational books on teaching (not so sure it's working, but it's a good read).
Because I went out to the mall, I missed all but the last ten minutes of the radio show. The last song nearly killed me - "I promised I wouldn't play any DMB, but here we go..." - I thought it was THE song. I nearly freaked haha. It wasn't of course, but I'm planning on listening to the whole show when it pops up on the 'net. Hoping to catch some interesting things about Phish.
I'm going to try to get out tonight - distract myself a little.
Thought about getting the new iTunes download, but I don't want to spring $10 when I only really want one song and can't really afford it...I saw Jake posted that the tour dates will most likely be out this week. I'm psyched - I'd really like to buy early to get good seats, but I can't really afford that either, plus I'm worried about buying when I'm not sure where/what I'll be doing this summer.
I HAVE to get at least the essay for the standard application written today or tomorrow. Which means I'm going to have to chill out and focus. And stop playing FreeCell :-p
One more thought - There seems to be an abundance of TV shows about dysfunctional families. I thought at first that maybe it would help me feel better? But actually...it makes me feel worse. Now, when I say "dysfunctional," I don't mean that the family has issues and/or is slightly nuts. I mean...that the parents act INCREDIBLY childish - more childish than their kids. This is NOT OK with me. Parents shouldn't need their kids to take care of them. Parents shouldn't act petty, or resort to middle school behavior when dealing with problems. Divorced parents shouldn't try to win their kids over by buying them things or pointing out flaws in their ex-spouses. Parents shouldn't tell their kids that life sucks all the time and that they should give up hope. Parents shouldn't weigh their kids down with their problems. Parents and kids are NOT equals. Even when they're grown up. Parents need friends for those types of things.
...whenever I'm watching TV or a movie with my family and someone mentions divorce - doesn't matter if it's a parent or a kid - I feel incredibly awkward.
Monday, January 11, 2010
These fickle fuddled words confuse me
NJ passed Medical Marijuana today!!!!!!!!!!
It's something...though I'd rather have last week's bill passed.
Two days before I go back...not sure how I feel about that.
I hate going back without you.
Looks like a certain record producer listened to your tweets ;-) Super neato.
Well, it's been a stressful day - I'm gonna watch a little bit of TV then head to bed.
It's something...though I'd rather have last week's bill passed.
Two days before I go back...not sure how I feel about that.
I hate going back without you.
Looks like a certain record producer listened to your tweets ;-) Super neato.
Well, it's been a stressful day - I'm gonna watch a little bit of TV then head to bed.
Friday, January 8, 2010
All This Means
is that we're finally free. FINALLY. Because I don't need to care anymore. Because nothing I do will ever make a difference, and it DOESN'T MATTER.
I finally believe you.
The funny thing is, I waited around the longest of the three. I waited almost TWO YEARS. Waitwaitwaitwaitwaitwaitwaitwait. I believed, out of everyone. After everything. After you walked away from me. After my birthday. After being let down time and time and time again.
I believe you now.
Every time you said we'd be around for forever, it hurt me because I knew it had to be a lie. Every time you said we'd do something that was never planned and never happened, it hurt. Every time we'd talk about the trip and I knew there's no way I could actually go through with it, it hurt. Every time you sat next to me or called me or touched me, it hurt, because I knew it meant more to me than it ever will to you. Every time we said goodbye, and I thought "I love you," it hurt. The hundreds of times I thought it alone, it hurt. Every time I said it and you couldn't say it back, or when you used to, but I could hear in your voice or see in your eyes it wasn't true, it hurt. Every time I defended you, it hurt. The dreams, the comments by others, the hope, the pride, the connection I felt alone, they all hurt. When you came through! When you invited me to the beach, when you got my glasses fixed, or came to visit, and I knew that you did it because you'd do it for anyone, not just for me, it hurt. The loneliness hurt. Closing my eyes and imagining what could've been...
Now we can let it go.
You'll never be what I need and I'll never be what you need.
I finally believe you.
The funny thing is, I waited around the longest of the three. I waited almost TWO YEARS. Waitwaitwaitwaitwaitwaitwaitwait. I believed, out of everyone. After everything. After you walked away from me. After my birthday. After being let down time and time and time again.
I believe you now.
Every time you said we'd be around for forever, it hurt me because I knew it had to be a lie. Every time you said we'd do something that was never planned and never happened, it hurt. Every time we'd talk about the trip and I knew there's no way I could actually go through with it, it hurt. Every time you sat next to me or called me or touched me, it hurt, because I knew it meant more to me than it ever will to you. Every time we said goodbye, and I thought "I love you," it hurt. The hundreds of times I thought it alone, it hurt. Every time I said it and you couldn't say it back, or when you used to, but I could hear in your voice or see in your eyes it wasn't true, it hurt. Every time I defended you, it hurt. The dreams, the comments by others, the hope, the pride, the connection I felt alone, they all hurt. When you came through! When you invited me to the beach, when you got my glasses fixed, or came to visit, and I knew that you did it because you'd do it for anyone, not just for me, it hurt. The loneliness hurt. Closing my eyes and imagining what could've been...
Now we can let it go.
You'll never be what I need and I'll never be what you need.
I don't want
to make everything bad...to ruin it.
Frankly, I'm losing control of the hurt that has rolled around inside me all this time. No, that's not true. I'll admit - I kept it all in out of hope for us. Since that hope is gone, I'm not afraid to say how I really feel. I'm not afraid I'll ruin anything.
Frankly, I'm losing control of the hurt that has rolled around inside me all this time. No, that's not true. I'll admit - I kept it all in out of hope for us. Since that hope is gone, I'm not afraid to say how I really feel. I'm not afraid I'll ruin anything.
A Year Ago
I watched Slumdog Millionaire yesterday. The movie didn't bother me at all. The thought of you in the movie theater while I lay in my bed crying made me sick.
Happy Anniversary. A year ago today we created the moment that I replay in my mind EVERY SINGLE DAY.
I realize I sound bitter...I guess I am. After the first year, I thought everything was destined to be different. After the second, I know it will never be.
Happy Anniversary. A year ago today we created the moment that I replay in my mind EVERY SINGLE DAY.
I realize I sound bitter...I guess I am. After the first year, I thought everything was destined to be different. After the second, I know it will never be.
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Really
Any religion that tells me I need to "fear" something in order to be "saved," well...that'll never be any religion of mine.
It'd be nice
If someone was concerned about how I'm doing every so often.
But I guess this is what I deserve, right?
But I guess this is what I deserve, right?
Usually
I try to avoid this because I don't believe that one should communicate these types of things through a blog. But tonight I'm wide awake and I feel like talking about it, and so I'm going to.
I don't understand why you're so upset. Part of me thinks that you're trying to punish yourself, the other part thinks that it's all part of your complex of wanting someone whenever you can't have them. And yes, I honestly believe that you work that way.
I appreciate everything that you've done for me VERY VERY much. Don't know what I would have done without you. And I'm trying to be there for you as much as I can. The problem is, I'm so sick of the whole situation that I have no patience for it I guess. I don't care about it anymore, I don't care about her, and I would rather you dated someone else than pine miserably for the rest of forever. To be QUITE honest, I think that the two of you were a joke to begin with, and I can't really take the entire thing seriously, anyway.
Why do I feel this way? Well, of course, I spend my days pining as well. Yes, I realize it's just as (if not more so) pathetic, and I guess I'm sick of that part of myself as well. It's been so damn long, and I just want to have a REAL, substantial relationship that means something. That offers me something tangible.
I'm sick of the games my own mind plays on me, I'm sick of hoping, I'm sick of comforting you for being sad over someone else when I, myself, am sad.
I'm starting to feel tied down to something by an INVISIBLE leash that doesn't actually exist. I'm tired of just DREAMING of things, I want them to actually BE.
I want the real thing.
Now, the problem is I'm going to wake up and be mad at myself for not being happy with the good that I've got. Because some of it really honestly IS great, and I want to be content. I feel so incredibly selfish for needing and wanting more.
I try not to write these things because I know that I change so quickly, and because I know I'll regret what I say. I don't want to be a coward. But the thing is, I don't really know what to do. Right now, the frustration by YOUR frustration, as well as the distance and lack of a normal daily schedule is messing with me. I feel like as long as we continue to communicate things are alright...but when we don't for a little while, I start playing the head games with myself again.
Nothing more to say I guess. I'm sick of the illusion and of being frustrated.
Glad I got that out before going to bed.
I don't understand why you're so upset. Part of me thinks that you're trying to punish yourself, the other part thinks that it's all part of your complex of wanting someone whenever you can't have them. And yes, I honestly believe that you work that way.
I appreciate everything that you've done for me VERY VERY much. Don't know what I would have done without you. And I'm trying to be there for you as much as I can. The problem is, I'm so sick of the whole situation that I have no patience for it I guess. I don't care about it anymore, I don't care about her, and I would rather you dated someone else than pine miserably for the rest of forever. To be QUITE honest, I think that the two of you were a joke to begin with, and I can't really take the entire thing seriously, anyway.
Why do I feel this way? Well, of course, I spend my days pining as well. Yes, I realize it's just as (if not more so) pathetic, and I guess I'm sick of that part of myself as well. It's been so damn long, and I just want to have a REAL, substantial relationship that means something. That offers me something tangible.
I'm sick of the games my own mind plays on me, I'm sick of hoping, I'm sick of comforting you for being sad over someone else when I, myself, am sad.
I'm starting to feel tied down to something by an INVISIBLE leash that doesn't actually exist. I'm tired of just DREAMING of things, I want them to actually BE.
I want the real thing.
Now, the problem is I'm going to wake up and be mad at myself for not being happy with the good that I've got. Because some of it really honestly IS great, and I want to be content. I feel so incredibly selfish for needing and wanting more.
I try not to write these things because I know that I change so quickly, and because I know I'll regret what I say. I don't want to be a coward. But the thing is, I don't really know what to do. Right now, the frustration by YOUR frustration, as well as the distance and lack of a normal daily schedule is messing with me. I feel like as long as we continue to communicate things are alright...but when we don't for a little while, I start playing the head games with myself again.
Nothing more to say I guess. I'm sick of the illusion and of being frustrated.
Glad I got that out before going to bed.
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
Productive Day
I'm on the right track.
In a few months, I'll be somewhere new doing what I want, and none of this will matter one bit.
Gotta stay on the right track.
In a few months, I'll be somewhere new doing what I want, and none of this will matter one bit.
Gotta stay on the right track.
Monday, January 4, 2010
4 Months, 11 Days
Til I graduate.
Nothing's gonna stop me now.
I'm focused.
I'm ready.
I might not be a perfect fit, but I'll never know 'til I try.
When I get back, I'm dedicating my time to getting that 4.0, practicing to get back in shape, going to the gym, reading EVERYTHING, picking up some cash at my job, learning everything I can...
I'M the brain sponge now!!!!!!!!!!!!
hehehe :-p
I'm going to move into that apartment, land that job, and take that drive all the way to the Pacific.
And it's all going to be beautiful :-)
I can feel it
Nothing's gonna stop me now.
I'm focused.
I'm ready.
I might not be a perfect fit, but I'll never know 'til I try.
When I get back, I'm dedicating my time to getting that 4.0, practicing to get back in shape, going to the gym, reading EVERYTHING, picking up some cash at my job, learning everything I can...
I'M the brain sponge now!!!!!!!!!!!!
hehehe :-p
I'm going to move into that apartment, land that job, and take that drive all the way to the Pacific.
And it's all going to be beautiful :-)
I can feel it
Sunday, January 3, 2010
2010
Alrighty, here we go.
2010 - the year I have been waiting for since I figured out it was the year I'd graduate college.
Neato.
Spent a LONG time today working on resume stuff...but I think it's looking pretty spiffy. And I've got more to do tomorrow...and more studying...
That's OK though :-)
Some good reading happened in there too.
This is gonna be a pretty big one. Graduation, theoretically a new job, the road trip, an apartment (geez I hope so!), and who knows what else...
Here we go!!!
2010 - the year I have been waiting for since I figured out it was the year I'd graduate college.
Neato.
Spent a LONG time today working on resume stuff...but I think it's looking pretty spiffy. And I've got more to do tomorrow...and more studying...
That's OK though :-)
Some good reading happened in there too.
This is gonna be a pretty big one. Graduation, theoretically a new job, the road trip, an apartment (geez I hope so!), and who knows what else...
Here we go!!!
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