Usually

I try to avoid this because I don't believe that one should communicate these types of things through a blog. But tonight I'm wide awake and I feel like talking about it, and so I'm going to.

I don't understand why you're so upset. Part of me thinks that you're trying to punish yourself, the other part thinks that it's all part of your complex of wanting someone whenever you can't have them. And yes, I honestly believe that you work that way.

I appreciate everything that you've done for me VERY VERY much. Don't know what I would have done without you. And I'm trying to be there for you as much as I can. The problem is, I'm so sick of the whole situation that I have no patience for it I guess. I don't care about it anymore, I don't care about her, and I would rather you dated someone else than pine miserably for the rest of forever. To be QUITE honest, I think that the two of you were a joke to begin with, and I can't really take the entire thing seriously, anyway.

Why do I feel this way? Well, of course, I spend my days pining as well. Yes, I realize it's just as (if not more so) pathetic, and I guess I'm sick of that part of myself as well. It's been so damn long, and I just want to have a REAL, substantial relationship that means something. That offers me something tangible.

I'm sick of the games my own mind plays on me, I'm sick of hoping, I'm sick of comforting you for being sad over someone else when I, myself, am sad.

I'm starting to feel tied down to something by an INVISIBLE leash that doesn't actually exist. I'm tired of just DREAMING of things, I want them to actually BE.

I want the real thing.


Now, the problem is I'm going to wake up and be mad at myself for not being happy with the good that I've got. Because some of it really honestly IS great, and I want to be content. I feel so incredibly selfish for needing and wanting more.

I try not to write these things because I know that I change so quickly, and because I know I'll regret what I say. I don't want to be a coward. But the thing is, I don't really know what to do. Right now, the frustration by YOUR frustration, as well as the distance and lack of a normal daily schedule is messing with me. I feel like as long as we continue to communicate things are alright...but when we don't for a little while, I start playing the head games with myself again.

Nothing more to say I guess. I'm sick of the illusion and of being frustrated.

Glad I got that out before going to bed.