What I Want

My horoscope this morning told me to spend the evening figuring out what I really want. I thought about this quite a bit...now, there are quite a few things I could put on this list very easily - I'm trying to come up with something deeper, I guess.

Tomorrow morning I will begin my last semester. Very mixed emotions about this one. On one hand, there's nothing I'd like better than to GET OUT haha. On the other hand...I want to enjoy it.

I've got a LOT going on these next few months. I hope I stay focused, and I hope I accomplish the things I'm hoping to get done. I'm going to try my best to really improve my playing - and to ENJOY playing again. I don't want it to be the chore that I dread. I have my last audition tomorrow afternoon. I signed up to be first. I spent hours practicing the last few days, and there's not much more I can do. I have to find my heart in the music again. I have to feel it. I'll go in and play the best I can. There's nothing else I can do. What happens, happens.

I hope I find a job I will enjoy. I hope it's challenging, and I hope I help.

I hope my parents find happiness. I can't help them; I can't solve their problems. It wears on me just like it wears on them. I'll do what I can.

I feel left out and betrayed by a lot of people here. It's taking some effort on my part to let it go. I hope I can do this.

I'm struggling with my emotions - battling FEAR. Last year a friend told me he felt that he was under this pressure to make every decision immediately, and that every decision was final. I didn't understand then. I understand now. With a career in my future, friends and family making decisions to move away or go off in a new direction...

I feel like I'm walking down a path with hundreds of little offshoots. I can't slow myself down, and I can't get off the paths I pick. I only hope I'm going in the right direction, but I won't know until I spend all my time getting to the end.


With that in mind, I think I know what I want.

I want TIME. I want the opportunity to explore, to learn, to adventure! to discover, to experiment, to love, to lose, to grow, to experience. And I want to enjoy each and every one of the millions and billions of seconds I have.

I've been living for the end of the story...but the story itself is in what happens BEFORE the ending.

It's hard right now, but you know what? I spent 8 hours today in a library! How amazing is that! I love the smell of books, I love standing in front of shelf after shelf of books looking at the titles - being overwhelmed by the IDEAS that surround me. I spent 3 hours today singing. Singing is much different to me than it used to be. I remember the beauty I FELT through each and every one of the cells in my body, the joy, the pain, back when it was new. I can appreciate that again. I know I can love it again. I spent 2 hours practicing today. I chose my friend's old favorite room. It's quiet, peaceful. Nobody distracts me there. I tried to play with emotion again, today. I nailed that awful run in the beginning of the piece that I spent hours working on. I could do it. And I'm going to do it again and again if I want to. And I'm going to SAY something with each note I make. I talked to some friends today. It was nicer than eating alone. I can do that again. I'll do that tomorrow.

I want to feel again. I want to believe again.

I can do that.