Scrambled thoughts from a scrambled brain...

...or maybe it's just poached! hahahaha...hehe :-p

Wellpers, things just might be settling down. And by settling down, I mean that things are just as busy as ever, but maybe I'm not as internally tormented by confusion and have just accepted that things are going to be the way they are.

I THINK today went well. In any case, I'm now certain that a busy band is a happy band. It bonds you in a way nothing else can.

A friend shared her thoughts on "control" in a relationship - how derailing it is to lose control, how securing it is to have it. While I 100% agree...I see how unfortunate this is. Why is this a problem? Well, I don't doubt the degree to which this "control" factor impacts us in relationships, but I question why the control factor is there. I'm beginning to believe that a relationship can only be truly (not successful...trying to find a word here...) INTACT when there is no control. When there is no question of control, and there is no NEED from the other person because they are guaranteed to be there when needed, and vice versa. Quite possibly, the word "control" is simply a substitute for trust. Trust that the other person will be there and fulfill their (not promises...but...) word.

Lately I've been seriously evaluating some recent events and how I have reacted to them. It seems painfully obvious that I am not mature enough to handle relationships. The whole thing is pretty strange, but I'm fairly certain that I have some sort of horrible habit of relying too much on a significant other when one appears. The bizarre part of this to me is that I always found PRIDE in being an independent individual...but I guess I just don't know how to stay myself when I find the opportunity to have a companion.

Also...I'm starting to believe that the best "state" for one to live in (aside from Jersey, of course :-p) is not happiness. I'm not talking about UNhappiness...I mean dissatisfaction. Because, at least for me, if I get one thing perfect in my life, I just focus on that one thing because it makes me that incredibly happy. And then I ignore the other parts of my life that PROBABLY need the most attention. Just like practicing, actually. When I finally become able to play a piece the way I WANT to play it...I keep playing it. I don't want to play what I can't do correctly...I want to play the stuff I can do.

In other news, the cold spell we had recently has been prepping me for Miles Davis season. (That's the winter, at least as far as my personal music seasons go :-p).

...thinkity think think with that pumpkin in the sky...