I wish I could be more understanding.
I suppose that two things have often prevented me from telling you how important certain aspects of our relationship are. These two things are pride and fear - pride because I aim to be a strong person, and I tend to feel that admitting how important you are limits my independence and prevents me from being that person. Fear because I'm constantly afraid of being shown that you are infinitely more important to me than I am to you.
I want you to be as proud of me as I am of you. I want to share MY important things with you.
Though I may have never spelled this out, I always hoped you'd be at those moments that are important to me. This has included everything from listening to the old radio show, being at performances or the opening night of shows, physically being around when things are rough up here, reading or looking up a book or song I recommend...a lot is encompassed under that. I know that going to everything is never possible...but I often hoped to look out in the audience and see you. I used to come early to woodwinds to watch you play...and I secretly hoped you'd stay to watch me. When inviting you along to attend other events or concerts/recitals WITH me...it was never arbitrary. It was me saying, 'this is important to me and will probably be a really cool experience and I'm asking you to share it with me.' If anything, I might have reacted to your absence by picking a fight about something unrelated. Not proud of that, but in retrospect, it's what I did.
There have been many, many times in which I haven't communicated well. I'll admit that. Here I am trying to change that. I'd be lying if I didn't say I was let down that spring and winter break. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't disappointed every time I couldn't find you in the audience. Or if I pretended I didn't miss you when you didn't visit two weeks ago. Or if I didn't reveal that I still check my mail every day hoping to find those CDs or wish deep down that one day you'd show up at my door as a surprise.
I know I need to see how unrealistic I am...but it's hard to change how I feel. I guess I allowed our relationship to take on too much importance and meaning in my life. I continue to ignore warning signs with blind stupidity that indicate there's just no way we could ever make this work.
I know my expectations are disgustingly too high, and I'd like to be able to say I'll simply lower them and we'll be fine, but I know I can't do that - it's just too much of who I am. If we ever found a way to stay friends 'til we're 120, I'll still be hoping to see you at my pineapple growing competition awards ceremony.
It all comes down to my hope that you'll want to share all of this with me - your thoughts and opinions are of incredible value to me.
And maybe it all comes down to humanity's desire to avoid loneliness and find companionship.
In other news, I slipped down a flight of wet stairs in the music building. Fell on my wrist pretty hard - hurts to type, can't move my wrist or thumb very well. Couldn't practice :-( I hope it gets better soon.
Why do I do this to us? Why can't I let us forget the pain?
...And my horoscope does it again: Don't exhaust yourself pursuing a perfection which only exists in your mind.
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