Hello World

Howdy. After being isolated to the point of despair (and being inspired by a friend), I have decided to return to the blogs.

What am I doing?

Why am I doing it?

Am I going to be able to do this for the rest of my life?

At the point in my life where I feel like I should be pulling everything together, I'm suddenly being pulled apart. I HATE what I've worked for these past 5-6 years. And while hate might be a bit of a strong word...I feel like I'm going through some sort of midlife crisis where I've been set in my ways for forever and I turn around and realize that it was all empty.

There ARE good moments. And things will be different after the first year...after this year. But I can't help but see that so many things that I stand for are NOT SUPPORTED where I'm headed.

What kind of strange, hybrid creature am I?

Though I crave stability and logic, I long for adventure and...well, no, I definitely like logic ;-) But oftentimes it seems my logic conflicts with everyone elses.

I'm incredibly idealistic, I know. I've got this huge romanticized view of the world, but at the exact same moment I've got a sneaking suspicion that all my hopes and dreams are just one big fallacy.

How am I going to travel the world? How am I going to CHANGE the world? How am I going to stay to true myself AND some of the goals I have?

I used to be so incredibly confident in myself...now I just feel timid and unsure. Maybe I bloomed too soon? I'm burned out at the ripe ol' age of 21?

How about this...I know the FEELING I stand for, the swell of emotion inside me that tells me I've got to do SOMETHING...but I don't have a way to pinpoint the specifics. And for a planner like I am...that's not so simple to accept.

I don't want to lose myself at my core. I don't want to lose the qualities of myself that I liked...and I'm afraid that my career path will put me on that track.

I want to be strong again. I wish I could ignore the questions I hear in my head. If I couldn't trust the innermost feelings in myself...how can I trust ANY of me? How do I know what's best? How do I know which path to take if my instincts have already been proven wrong?

I need some perspective, haha. I'm not at the end of a cliff with a millisecond to make a decision. Dear self: Take a chill pill.

Thank god for music. Surprisingly (though it SHOULD be obvious), one of the things that's helping me the most is the ability to make music in my (nonexistent) spare time. I wish I could take a sabbatical from the real world to just sit and learn - there really is nothing better.

I'm doing this because I want students to succeed.

I'm doing this because I do believe in some things - love being one of them.

I'm doing this because I want to live life.