false

That's it.  I woke up feeling SO AWFUL this morning - like there's a giant weight on my chest - it's because I talked to you - so this is IT.

I said it before, I'll say it one more time:  You're no longer welcome in my life.

Even when I TELL you what's wrong and things you could do to make me feel better, you DON'T DO THEM. I told you that I've never heard you say "I miss you," so what do you do?  ARGUE with me that you DO say it.  BS.  What the heck is your problem that you can't even get over yourself for a minute and tell me it yourself right then and there?  Even when I ASK, you STILL won't say it to me.

I WASN'T FRIENDS WITH YOU SO THAT WE COULD ARGUE EVERY FLIPPIN' DAY

I BEGGED you to come up.  It's a freakin' HOUR away.  ONE HOUR.  I don't CARE if you were home for dinner last night - you STILL coulda been here by 9 and you know what, I don't GIVE A DAMN if you were tired because when someone is telling you that it's OVER unless you change what you're doing and do something else, YOU DO IT.  YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN HERE, YOU SHOULD HAVE TOLD ME YOU MISSED ME, YOU SHOULD HAVE STOPPED ARGUING AND YOU WON'T.

The facts are simple, once again:  YOU DON'T LOVE ME.  You'd rather LOSE me than ever be anything beyond friends with me.

I LEFT SOMEONE FOR YOU.  I let myself be hurt for over 2 YEARS to stay in your life as a friend, even though I CRIED EVERY DAY because of it.  I BELIEVED IN OUR RELATIONSHIP as much as YOU believed in our friendship, and OBVIOUSLY I believed wrong.  SO DID YOU.

I CAN'T BELIEVE I wasted SO MUCH TIME WAITING FOR YOU TO CARE ABOUT ME WHEN OBVIOUSLY YOU CAN'T.

NEWSFLASH:  You're life is ONLY MESSED UP IN YOUR MIND.  You have SO MUCH going for you right now, and you complain that your mental state is TERRIBLE because you live at home.

WELL YOU KNOW WHAT?  OVER HALF THE PEOPLE WE WENT TO SCHOOL WITH LIVE AT HOME AND YOU DON'T SEE THEM BLAMING THEIR TROUBLES ON IT.

And anyway, YOU DON'T PAY BILLS.  YOU DON'T GO TO THE GROCERY STORE.  YOU HAVE DINNER ON THE TABLE, YOU HAVE PEOPLE 5 FEET FROM YOU THAT CARE ABOUT YOU SO DAMN MUCH, AND YOU HAVE FRIENDS NEARBY THAT WILL GO TO CONCERTS WITH YOU AND HANG OUT WITH YOU AND ENJOY SPENDING TIME WITH YOU.

I KNOW that you're still not over that stupid girl who spent SO MUCH TIME trashing you last fall on AIM.

YOU NEED TO GET OVER IT.  AND OVER ME.

I'm SORRY I'm such a NASTY, HORRIBLE person, but I CAN'T TAKE IT ANY MORE.

Time and time again, you just PROVE to me that you DON'T HAVE FEELINGS FOR ME and that I'm STUPID to be WAITING for you, because I'm just going to be LEFT BEHIND some day and I don't want to sit in the background and watch YOU and EVERYONE else find happiness because I stopped myself from moving on.

I DON'T CARE about the tickets, I DON'T CARE about the future trip, I DON'T CARE about my damn piano or the damn poster, because anyway those things are just going to upset me when I see them.

I CARE that YOU weren't around on my first day, and that YOU don't know what work is like at all, and that YOU don't  get to hear what I think about whatever's in the news anymore.  And I am SAD that I'm not there to hear those things about YOU anymore either.

I CAN'T BEG ANYMORE.  I CAN'T CRY ANYMORE.  I CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT ANY REAL HOPE FOR MYSELF ANYMORE.

If I have a horrible day at work, I need someone who WILL drive an hour just to take me out to eat to cheer me up, even if they worked all day.  I need someone who will understand that to me, HOME IS WITH YOU.  I need someone who will ADMIT to the world that they care deeply about me.  I need someone who will REMEMBER the things I mention casually that I want to do and MAKE THEM HAPPEN because they know it'll make me happy.  I need someone who's NOT AFRAID to say "I love you, too."

I have given you TIME, I have given you MORE PATIENCE than I have EVER exhibited in my ENTIRE life, I was there when you were upset about ANOTHER GIRL and I did my best to make you feel better even knowing that you were upset because you didn't care about me but about someone else, when you were sick, I DROVE 2 HOURS home in the dark JUST to make sure you were OK and to try to cheer you up...

I'M SORRY that it's ending so miserably, but I can't help it.

I have a NEW LIFE now, and I don't want to miss out on it's good parts because I'm waiting for you.

To me, every year it just seems like you care about me less than the year before.

Even in the beginning...you tried to sneak your way around your feelings for me.  You told me you had something to tell me, then you refused to tell me what it was and made me drag it out of you.  And I moved your arm around me - you wouldn't do it on your own.  And I felt like I had to force you to break up with your gf - I SHOULDN'T HAVE HAD TO DO THAT.  Even from the beginning, I shouldn't have had to do that.

Don't you understand...if you had just come here, I wouldn't have been able to say no?  I wouldn't have been able to leave?  Not if I saw you and talked to you in person...but you wouldn't even come here to save everything

You don't even know what my apartment looks like.

Waiting for you is DEBILITATING.  I lay around, unable to do any work, WISHING that things were different - it's UNHEALTHY.

I know you say I ask too much, but I know I'm only asking for what someone would do if they were in love.

I'm just TRYING to get it all out of me so that I can get up and be productive the rest of the day.

Even the journal...whatever you forgot that you promised to get me one, but even when I reminded you, you STILL didn't do anything about it????  "Oh I forgot!  Sorry!"  And that's it???  You don't even try to make it up to me???  What the HECK?????????  I DON'T want to post on this stupid thing, I want to write in a REAL JOURNAL.  But I never bought my own because I THOUGHT you'd take a hint and bring one up or mail one to me or something.

BUT YOU DON'T THINK THAT WAY.  YOU DON'T THINK OF THE SMALL THINGS THAT COULD MAKE ME SO HAPPY.

Not that you had to buy me anything...I just thought that you'd do what you told me you'd do.  I

I'm sitting here ACHING

Oh...it's heartache.

This is what people mean when they say heartache



You were there after my parents divorced, you were there when I was lonely, you introduced me to SO much new music, you got me into some GREAT literature, you spent hours figuring out the meaning of life with me, you were there to support me through my recitals, you were there when I couldn't make it through the holidays, I still have the song you wrote, you let me know I wasn't alone when I hated school and I felt completely alone and misunderstood, you took me to the doctor when I had the surgery on my arm, you held me up through last fall semester when I didn't think I would finish the semester and never graduate school, you encouraged me to apply for this job, you made me feel special when I didn't feel it, you invited me into your family and let me see what a healthy family could be, you bailed me out a BILLION times when my printer was broken or my computer went haywire, you sang with me and loved Sillyville with me, and when I felt like the only person in the world who doesn't drink heavily, and you sat with me at night when I felt like I was losing my mind, you gave me a safe haven in your room when I couldn't take my roommates or I felt like I wasn't going to make it through the night.  Because of you, I sit on the computer and I look for things to LEARN - I never used wikipedia for anything besides research for school before you.  In the beginning, you helped me get that radio show, and I play guitar more often now because of you, I explore new types of music and go to concerts now, I READ SONG LYRICS and look for meaning in them, I watch FILMS rather than movies, you took care of me when I was sick, I've got your little plant clipping next to my window, you inspired me to buy posters and fill my room with expressions of myself - art!  I look at art in a new way, and I eat SO MANY new foods because of you!  you remind me to appreciate the little things in life and to look harder at the world, of course - we went on the trip and you gave me the opportunity to go on an adventure I'd been DREAMING about for at least 6 years...and you gave me the chance to REALLY love someone, no matter what mistakes they made or how much we argued or that other people thought we were crazy, the chance to put someone else first, to learn from you - you let me see you at your best AND your worst and gave me the opportunity to know you better than anyone else on the planet knows you, and that's the MOST SPECIAL thing about what you and I had - that we saw each other at our bests and our worsts and we still stood by one another.

I miss you

but now I even feel alone when I'm with you :-(