Still Angry.

Sooo I'd like to write about my thoughts on today being the 9th anniversary of 9/11 - I have LOTS of thoughts, especially as I was just near Ground Zero last week, and I sat in a park looking at the Twin Towerless NYC skyline this afternoon.  I watched a two-hour recap of news reports from the morning of 9/11/01 - I never actually watched them, since I was at school 9 years ago when it happened.  I've got a much different perspective looking back on those reports as an adult with a pretty good understanding of what happened then I did when it first happened.  It's almost more frightening as I look at it now...I think back then, I was upset about what happened and about the people that were hurt, but I just did not realize the widespread effect it would have.  I think...if I had been older when it happened, I would have been a lot more frightened about my own and my family's personal safety.  NYC was still far away to me when I was that young - I hadn't yet realized how small the world is.

Speaking of 9/11...I'm still disgusted by the crapola about the Mosque.  Among the millions of reasons that everyone needs to shut up and let it be built, I'm most upset because it shows Americans as hypocrites.  Although I know America is superly unperfect...I still have to believe that people believe in the rights our country was based on, and the freedom we claim to uphold.  I'm supposed to be teaching my students about our country and how we should be proud of it, and with all this ridiculous hate going on around here, I have to admit I'm more ashamed of my country then I ever thought I'd be.



In other news, I'm feeling terrible.  Part of me wishes I had just never answered - I wouldn't have spent so much time dwelling on it all today - I could have just gotten on with my to-do list.  I'm sorry that you're not happy with the situation right now.  There's not much I can do about that.  I wish I could help you understand the situation better.  At the same time, I just feel like things get worse when I try to explain - you don't understand how I feel, and you say I don't understand how you feel.  I can't handle this anymore - I don't feel like we ever get anywhere.

For some reason, it doesn't seem to me like you understand how painful this is for me too.  I keep thinking I'm being much too obvious - I thought my constant posts complaining about something related to you and I gave away that this isn't easy for me and that it's something I think about often.

How is it possible that an hour ago I was wishing I had Annie Hall on tape because I wanted to watch it?  I've never randomly thought that before...

I'm not trying to replace you - I could never do that.  I don't WANT to do that.

To be honest, it's hard to think about how upset you are because I don't want to consider that I'M making you upset - thinking about that might get me to change my mind. :-/

Some of our biggest problems (I think) stem from the fact that we're in two very different places in our lives right now.  You're at home, working to go back to get your 2nd degree, while I'm on my own starting a new career.  I know since you're home, you have certain obligations towards your family (heck, it's also because you guys are just CLOSER).  I don't have that, and I've never had that.  YOU'RE my family.  You're my family, and I'm alone out here and I eat alone every day, work alone every day, and go out alone.  I don't mind that much, but you're supposed to do whatever it takes to be around.

Oh I don't know - I'm getting tired and I'm all confused...I've got a million reasons to stay in your life, and only two for staying out: my mental health and my dignity.

In short, I wish you were here.  I procrastinated again and I'm physically and mentally exhausted.  I hafta buckle down tomorrow after I go to the museum in the afternoon.

It is what it is.