Well, I'll admit - I had a pretty unproductive morning. Watched Gilmore Girls, surfed the net...that's about it. I get pretty depressed knowing that this is how it is.
Anyway, I tagged along to the mall with a friend and picked up the latest Tom Robbins (CANNOT WAIT to take a look at it!) and another Ron Clark book - I'm hoping to jump start my excitement for the next semester by reading inspirational books on teaching (not so sure it's working, but it's a good read).
Because I went out to the mall, I missed all but the last ten minutes of the radio show. The last song nearly killed me - "I promised I wouldn't play any DMB, but here we go..." - I thought it was THE song. I nearly freaked haha. It wasn't of course, but I'm planning on listening to the whole show when it pops up on the 'net. Hoping to catch some interesting things about Phish.
I'm going to try to get out tonight - distract myself a little.
Thought about getting the new iTunes download, but I don't want to spring $10 when I only really want one song and can't really afford it...I saw Jake posted that the tour dates will most likely be out this week. I'm psyched - I'd really like to buy early to get good seats, but I can't really afford that either, plus I'm worried about buying when I'm not sure where/what I'll be doing this summer.
I HAVE to get at least the essay for the standard application written today or tomorrow. Which means I'm going to have to chill out and focus. And stop playing FreeCell :-p
One more thought - There seems to be an abundance of TV shows about dysfunctional families. I thought at first that maybe it would help me feel better? But actually...it makes me feel worse. Now, when I say "dysfunctional," I don't mean that the family has issues and/or is slightly nuts. I mean...that the parents act INCREDIBLY childish - more childish than their kids. This is NOT OK with me. Parents shouldn't need their kids to take care of them. Parents shouldn't act petty, or resort to middle school behavior when dealing with problems. Divorced parents shouldn't try to win their kids over by buying them things or pointing out flaws in their ex-spouses. Parents shouldn't tell their kids that life sucks all the time and that they should give up hope. Parents shouldn't weigh their kids down with their problems. Parents and kids are NOT equals. Even when they're grown up. Parents need friends for those types of things.
...whenever I'm watching TV or a movie with my family and someone mentions divorce - doesn't matter if it's a parent or a kid - I feel incredibly awkward.
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Monday, January 11, 2010
These fickle fuddled words confuse me
NJ passed Medical Marijuana today!!!!!!!!!!
It's something...though I'd rather have last week's bill passed.
Two days before I go back...not sure how I feel about that.
I hate going back without you.
Looks like a certain record producer listened to your tweets ;-) Super neato.
Well, it's been a stressful day - I'm gonna watch a little bit of TV then head to bed.
It's something...though I'd rather have last week's bill passed.
Two days before I go back...not sure how I feel about that.
I hate going back without you.
Looks like a certain record producer listened to your tweets ;-) Super neato.
Well, it's been a stressful day - I'm gonna watch a little bit of TV then head to bed.
Friday, January 8, 2010
All This Means
is that we're finally free. FINALLY. Because I don't need to care anymore. Because nothing I do will ever make a difference, and it DOESN'T MATTER.
I finally believe you.
The funny thing is, I waited around the longest of the three. I waited almost TWO YEARS. Waitwaitwaitwaitwaitwaitwaitwait. I believed, out of everyone. After everything. After you walked away from me. After my birthday. After being let down time and time and time again.
I believe you now.
Every time you said we'd be around for forever, it hurt me because I knew it had to be a lie. Every time you said we'd do something that was never planned and never happened, it hurt. Every time we'd talk about the trip and I knew there's no way I could actually go through with it, it hurt. Every time you sat next to me or called me or touched me, it hurt, because I knew it meant more to me than it ever will to you. Every time we said goodbye, and I thought "I love you," it hurt. The hundreds of times I thought it alone, it hurt. Every time I said it and you couldn't say it back, or when you used to, but I could hear in your voice or see in your eyes it wasn't true, it hurt. Every time I defended you, it hurt. The dreams, the comments by others, the hope, the pride, the connection I felt alone, they all hurt. When you came through! When you invited me to the beach, when you got my glasses fixed, or came to visit, and I knew that you did it because you'd do it for anyone, not just for me, it hurt. The loneliness hurt. Closing my eyes and imagining what could've been...
Now we can let it go.
You'll never be what I need and I'll never be what you need.
I finally believe you.
The funny thing is, I waited around the longest of the three. I waited almost TWO YEARS. Waitwaitwaitwaitwaitwaitwaitwait. I believed, out of everyone. After everything. After you walked away from me. After my birthday. After being let down time and time and time again.
I believe you now.
Every time you said we'd be around for forever, it hurt me because I knew it had to be a lie. Every time you said we'd do something that was never planned and never happened, it hurt. Every time we'd talk about the trip and I knew there's no way I could actually go through with it, it hurt. Every time you sat next to me or called me or touched me, it hurt, because I knew it meant more to me than it ever will to you. Every time we said goodbye, and I thought "I love you," it hurt. The hundreds of times I thought it alone, it hurt. Every time I said it and you couldn't say it back, or when you used to, but I could hear in your voice or see in your eyes it wasn't true, it hurt. Every time I defended you, it hurt. The dreams, the comments by others, the hope, the pride, the connection I felt alone, they all hurt. When you came through! When you invited me to the beach, when you got my glasses fixed, or came to visit, and I knew that you did it because you'd do it for anyone, not just for me, it hurt. The loneliness hurt. Closing my eyes and imagining what could've been...
Now we can let it go.
You'll never be what I need and I'll never be what you need.
I don't want
to make everything bad...to ruin it.
Frankly, I'm losing control of the hurt that has rolled around inside me all this time. No, that's not true. I'll admit - I kept it all in out of hope for us. Since that hope is gone, I'm not afraid to say how I really feel. I'm not afraid I'll ruin anything.
Frankly, I'm losing control of the hurt that has rolled around inside me all this time. No, that's not true. I'll admit - I kept it all in out of hope for us. Since that hope is gone, I'm not afraid to say how I really feel. I'm not afraid I'll ruin anything.
A Year Ago
I watched Slumdog Millionaire yesterday. The movie didn't bother me at all. The thought of you in the movie theater while I lay in my bed crying made me sick.
Happy Anniversary. A year ago today we created the moment that I replay in my mind EVERY SINGLE DAY.
I realize I sound bitter...I guess I am. After the first year, I thought everything was destined to be different. After the second, I know it will never be.
Happy Anniversary. A year ago today we created the moment that I replay in my mind EVERY SINGLE DAY.
I realize I sound bitter...I guess I am. After the first year, I thought everything was destined to be different. After the second, I know it will never be.
Thursday, January 7, 2010
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