The house next door has lost it's shingles

I think I've lost my ability to have a good perspective on things


Which confuses me more.




NO. This is ridiculous. I'm not confused. I'm OK. I've just been disappointed with the relationship (or lack of one) and I am trying to tell the world that I have needs and I need them met!!!! I am a strong, independent, intelligent woman, and I deserve to be with someone who likes me and knows me well enough to understand how I feel. I'm frustrated with the current situation in which I feel burdened and alone with the knowledge that I care for someone more than they care for me. I understand the situation, but that doesn't change my frustrations or sadness. I'm tired of feeling second-rate, and I'm tired of being unable to make a difference in the life of someone I care very deeply for. I hate bringing this up over and over again, but I can't live without acknowledging my feelings because to do so feels as though I'm living a lie. To quote Jackie Greene, "don't mind me, I'm only dying slow."

I hate putting pressure on the situation and on us, but I'm here to say ENOUGH is ENOUGH. Take me or leave me. I've struggled to do this your way, biding our time, and I can't do it any more. I'm facing the possibility of moving across the damn country, and I want to know where I stand. If we have no future, I need to find a way to acknowledge that and move on. If there's a possibility of something, then cut the bullshit and let's be happy.

THAT is how I work. I can't change that part of me, so I'm through trying to.

THE END.

And So...

Another Saturday night of homework and practicing and general feelings of exhaustion and loneliness.

I'm sapped of energy. But I still have three loads of laundry to do, so hopefully my energy becomes unsapped.

I'm also about to watch Gandhi for a class. It's apparently three hours long - I hope it's good. We haven't actually started talking about India yet, so I hope I don't need to know anything.

I ran some errands, got a book from the library (Big Sur was out - I was devastated - well, it's not out, it's MISSING...I was very excited to read it and to learn both about the place and Kerouac's life at that time...I ended up picking up Visions of Cody but I'm just not as into it. I thought about Visions of Gerard, but I wasn't in the mood for childhood death ). Then I decided I need to get off campus so I went to Pizza Hut. I usually end up going a little later, after the crowds, and I get to sit in the back booth facing the wall so nobody bothers me and there are minimal distractions. Got a ways into the book, too. Though I know I shouldn't spend money...I had one meal left for the caf. for this week, but I was hungry and knew I wouldn't get full there.

I'm still upset about Wednesday. I know there was no harm meant, but I'm upset anyway. I mean, I'll always care, but that was a long, long time ago. And we can barely hold a conversation anymore! It's a struggle! And certainly not what you'd call stimulating. It's just...we're different. We're different now. Just because I have the same keychains, or the same sweatshirts...doesn't mean we should go back there. I should have known when he said that I haven't changed. Though that comment is slightly insulting - I HAVE changed. I've changed a lot. I like to think in a good way...but in any case, I'm someone else. And if someone can't see that, it means they don't really know me.

I got the TB shot on Friday so I can get back into field work for my dept. honors project. The semester is nearing an end (62 days 'til graduation), and I haven't even started :-( I've been practicing for hours each day for my recital. Jury's in 9 days now, and it coincides with EVERYTHING that week. I wish I could drop out of that stupid tour I'm forced to go on for class. I dread that class. But I can't practice as long as I would like anyway b/c my fingers get tingly. That's new.

I'm very anxious for Tuesday - that's when I find out if I get a second interview. Every Wednesday morning from now on I'm going back to my old placement to observe high school jazz band rehearsals - I'm excited, and I'm looking forward to seeing everyone again.

I don't know what to do anymore. I hate how I feel, which just makes it worse because then I hate myself. I guess my rational is that this has been too long and too difficult, and with too much pain. I wish someone could understand how I feel and what I want. You knew I was upset - you should've called back earlier. You should've at least texted me. I wasn't trying to interfere with your plans, but I need someone I can count on - someone who understands when and how I need them. What a mess. I want to give up. I'm tired of sleeping right up next to the wall so it feels like there's someone else there.

At least my plants are blooming.

Wave the White Flag

Dropped a coolio glass magnet today. It broke in two - couldn't get it back together without a big ugly crack right through the middle...I had to throw it away.





I guess that's how life works: you're given something amazing and you fuck it up beyond all repair.

:-)

I love making you laugh



:-)

I must admit

I feel more than a little panicked right now...I need to feel safe, I need to be comforted, I need to know it's all OK...because it certainly doesn't feel that way :-(

Help Me Know

Show me it's OK

: (

I'm sorry

I just want to be honest.


I just want to go to sleep at night without feeling alone in my feelings.




I put on my tape every night and wish you were here to hold onto and to talk to talk to.