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I often feel lonely, but I only ever really want to be alone.


?


I wonder how long it'll take before that changes

WHY

Why are most people I know from college already engaged or married????  Don't they understand they haven't LIVED?????????

I don't understand why a 21 year old would tell me that she was "ready to settle down."  SHE HASN'T UNSETTLED!!!!!!

I guess when I have an opinion that most other people don't seem to have, an opinion that seems SO REASONABLE, LOGICAL, AND SENSIBLE, and they STILL don't get it, it makes me feel more alone.

Incredibly Offended

Trying REALLY hard not to be completely bitter and angry.

I have that feeling like all my insides are tensed up - I used to go to the gym to get rid of that feeling, but I can't really afford that/I don't have time for that, so I guess I just have to hope it goes away soon.

Why does that have to make such a damn difference?  Over 2 hours of good conversation was worthless because it turns out I'm not religious?  It doesn't matter to me - why should it matter to you?  Isn't that COMPLETELY AGAINST what your beliefs are supposed to be?  ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH  THAT IS HYPOCRITICAL GARBAGE

I just enjoyed having someone to talk with about something other than my job (OK, that DID come up, but not for very long).  I love my 3 friends that I have, but it was nice to have someone new to talk to - someone who's in a similar situation as myself.

And I hate how people respond when I mention my parents are divorced.  Or my dad's boyfriend.

WHATEVER - yet again - it DOESN'T BOTHER ME, WHY SHOULD IT BOTHER YOU?????

And I'm never going to forgive you for how you treated me when I put my complete trust in you.  I don't respect what you're doing - I can't force the sympathy I wish I had, or be patient with you anymore.  There are so many times I wish I could just wash my hands of the situation.  I regret feeling that way, but I can't find a way to stop those thoughts or resentments.

It comes down to respect.  I HAVE HIGH EXPECTATIONS FOR MYSELF AND FOR OTHERS.  I HAVE TO respect the people in my life, or I get the desire to blow you off.

Ugh that feeling is still there.  Like I need to punch something.

I picked up a gift tag for the salvation army today.  I love getting those gifts - I can't really afford to do that either, but I've done it for so many years, I can't stop now.  It's one of my favorite things about the holiday.

I'm really glad I have a job that takes up my entire life, because it means I have less time to think about being mopey.  I guess I just don't believe that there's someone out there who can measure up.  Plus, I find it hard to believe that I could even be a part of something healthy with my past and my mental baggage and whatever else.

I want to be the best at what I do, and I want to be in charge.  I want to facilitate change, save people, experience EVERYTHING and go EVERYWHERE and live 100 more years so I can take it ALL in.  I want to learn all the interesting things on the planet, I want to be STRONG, and I want to leave a legacy.

Sunday Night

Here we go again:  All the jitters and panic of Sunday night.

Not feeling super, but feeling OK.  Also, I stocked up on more candy to bribe my kids - that helps diminish the jitters.

Had a lovely weekend, at least.

I've banned myself from watching unnecessary TV.  So far, I've been MUCH more productive.  I even feel a little better, I think, that I'm listening to music instead of watching garbage on the tube.  So far, So good.  Though I finished a little early tonight, so I might give myself 30 minutes.  Heck, I even went through my mail (backed up several weeks / months) today!

Maybe not - I'm actually pretty tired, and it couldn't hurt to go to bed early.

The other thing:  There are times when I'm SO happy I'm single.  Sometimes in a relationship, at least, for me, I get frustrated by the other person - let down, I guess.  I try SO HARD to be this perfect person for whoever I'm with - well...the perfect ME, is what I really mean.  That might sound silly, but I don't think it's that I change who I am for the other person - I just put my energy into the relationship to really make it all that I can.  Well, anyway, through this rambling, what I'm trying to say, is that if I'm single, that means that MY romantic story didn't happen yet.  It means I still have hope, and that someday, someone could come along and write MY love story.  Doesn't everyone want that love story?  So when someone asks how you met or how it began, you have a GREAT answer that you're proud of?  So that there's never been a question as to how much you two care?

Oh, I dunno.  But this is absolutely beautiful:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SQEslJZuV7U

3 times -

That's a terrifying thought, btw.

Days like today make it feel impossible to think of ANYTHING positive about what I do.

I just spent 5 hours being told that I ruin kids lives, that I'm unfair, that I'm bad, that I shouldn't be where I am.  Literally.

I guess that's not so different from EVERY day, but it's worse when it comes from parents.

I'm doing the best I know how to do.  On the bright side, I know more every day.  But that really doesn't feel like it matters right now.

It's hard to believe I have to be back there in 12 hours.  I kind of wish I could disappear for a little while.

The worst part is that this is my entire life.  I spend all of my days and all of my nights TRYING, and now this.  I already get disrespected, I already feel isolated,  I'M GIVING MY LIFE HERE.  There are other things I could be doing.

At least I only have to go through this 3 more times this year.

You should know how I feel, you should know what I want, you should know what to do.]]period the end