Day 6 calendar candy - mmm!
Well, a ton of stuff happened today!
I got most of my goals for today finished, and I feel more organized than I have in a while.
I went to a major concert - it was incredibly strange to NOT be a part of it...and I think it's going to be even more strange when I go back next semester. So many new faces...I'm a stranger in my own home here.
I began reading a new book which is proving to be both incredibly captivating AND thought provoking.
I watched an old home movie from 8 years ago - that was a really strange experience. It's hard to watch myself from back then, to see who I was - I certainly didn't fit in, that's for sure. Doesn't seem like much has changed :-/ Good to know I'm a better musician, though :-)
One of the most important events of the day - I think I helped :-) Talking like that means SO much to me - I'm so thankful we can still do that.
Overall...I had a GOOD weekend here. I think that might be the first time I've said that since the semester started. What does that mean? Will I be OK next semester??
In any case...13 Days still to go, and the first big one is TOMORROW NIGHT. Getting a bit anxious (but also really excited :-D)...wish me luck :-D
Sunday, December 6, 2009
How fast it all changes...
It's very difficult to watch this happen, especially knowing that there's nothing I can do.
A lot of Good.
Found some happiness where I didn't expect it today.
Strange thinking back a year.
Lots to do tomorrow - a big week is here!
Strange thinking back a year.
Lots to do tomorrow - a big week is here!
Saturday, December 5, 2009
All was well...
...today at school. No problems - things seemed to go very well on all fronts.
Actually, things didn't just go well at school - EVERYTHING today went well.
So why do I still feel so crappy?
I don't understand why it is SO imperative for me to have a connection with people. Wasn't I alone most of the summer? Why was that easier? Maybe it wasn't...I think I'm wishing for something that I didn't even like at the time, haha. Imagining that things were better than they actually were, I mean.
It doesn't help that I often feel five years (if not more) older than I really am. Which leads me to my next eternal question...How are we all alone together??
13 Days, 3 Concerts.
(I've officially survived 15 weeks :-D)
**Edit:
Enlightenment?
During my young adulthood I became aware that my parents do not have friends. I've heard my own friends comment along the same lines regarding their families, and their opinions that it causes tension between family members.
Given my current situation, nothing has become more clear to me than the fact that one person cannot fulfill all of another person's needs.
Therefore, everyone needs multiple friends and multiple groups. It is impossible for two people to have a healthy relationship if they have themselves and no one else. Even if they're great together, there are going to be moments during which they don't exactly mesh. Without anyone else around, they're going to become frustrated and bitter with one another during these moments.
Relationships cannot last without other relationships.
Hah! I've spent so many YEARS struggling with this - not necessarily the comprehension of it (of course it all makes perfect logical sense), but the emotional understanding and acceptance of it (if THAT makes any sense :-p).
Hmm. This could have been a very good 5 minutes of reflection. This may just transform my future.
Actually, things didn't just go well at school - EVERYTHING today went well.
So why do I still feel so crappy?
I don't understand why it is SO imperative for me to have a connection with people. Wasn't I alone most of the summer? Why was that easier? Maybe it wasn't...I think I'm wishing for something that I didn't even like at the time, haha. Imagining that things were better than they actually were, I mean.
It doesn't help that I often feel five years (if not more) older than I really am. Which leads me to my next eternal question...How are we all alone together??
13 Days, 3 Concerts.
(I've officially survived 15 weeks :-D)
**Edit:
Enlightenment?
During my young adulthood I became aware that my parents do not have friends. I've heard my own friends comment along the same lines regarding their families, and their opinions that it causes tension between family members.
Given my current situation, nothing has become more clear to me than the fact that one person cannot fulfill all of another person's needs.
Therefore, everyone needs multiple friends and multiple groups. It is impossible for two people to have a healthy relationship if they have themselves and no one else. Even if they're great together, there are going to be moments during which they don't exactly mesh. Without anyone else around, they're going to become frustrated and bitter with one another during these moments.
Relationships cannot last without other relationships.
Hah! I've spent so many YEARS struggling with this - not necessarily the comprehension of it (of course it all makes perfect logical sense), but the emotional understanding and acceptance of it (if THAT makes any sense :-p).
Hmm. This could have been a very good 5 minutes of reflection. This may just transform my future.
Friday, December 4, 2009
Thursday, December 3, 2009
Blackout
11:37 PM, Dec. 2nd
Day 2 of my evening ritual.
Well…sort of. The power’s been out for hours, there’s an incredibly loud generator outside my window, and I couldn’t do half of the work I wanted to because I am without internet (and unless the power kicks back on, I’ll be out of computer too :-p).
But, here I am in my pjs, with my advent calendar (chocolate from day 2 – woot!), and some of the best music around.
Although things weren’t wonderfully great today, they were alright. That seems to be the new way to go, because that’s kind of how things have been for the past few weeks. The biggest concern I have is that I don’t go into school feeling great. I don’t leave school feeling great. I don’t feel great during my lessons. But I’m not going to let that discourage me (yet). I’m going to give this a good and thorough try before I change my track.
I DO miss those moments of affirmation – the moments when you think, YES, this is what I’m doing and I know it’s what I should be doing. But I guess one can’t have them all the time.
The days are winding down. There’s an end in sight. It’s making me nervous, but I’m still thinking slow, which seems to be working.
Who knows what the future holds…”what’s the use in worrying, what’s the use in hurrying.”
15 days, 3 concerts.
Day 2 of my evening ritual.
Well…sort of. The power’s been out for hours, there’s an incredibly loud generator outside my window, and I couldn’t do half of the work I wanted to because I am without internet (and unless the power kicks back on, I’ll be out of computer too :-p).
But, here I am in my pjs, with my advent calendar (chocolate from day 2 – woot!), and some of the best music around.
Although things weren’t wonderfully great today, they were alright. That seems to be the new way to go, because that’s kind of how things have been for the past few weeks. The biggest concern I have is that I don’t go into school feeling great. I don’t leave school feeling great. I don’t feel great during my lessons. But I’m not going to let that discourage me (yet). I’m going to give this a good and thorough try before I change my track.
I DO miss those moments of affirmation – the moments when you think, YES, this is what I’m doing and I know it’s what I should be doing. But I guess one can’t have them all the time.
The days are winding down. There’s an end in sight. It’s making me nervous, but I’m still thinking slow, which seems to be working.
Who knows what the future holds…”what’s the use in worrying, what’s the use in hurrying.”
15 days, 3 concerts.
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
Somewhere Bound
Back at school.
I originally thought that break would be good for me - relaxing and refreshing.
I was blown away when it somehow ended up being more difficult. It wasn't that spending time with family and friends was bad...because it wasn't. But I finally realized how distanced I am from my previous life at home, especially because I lived at school this summer. I haven't REALLY been home in over a year.
Seeing the high school kids - I felt SO OLD. I got lost driving through my own town (sheesh)...I felt farther than ever from the kid I used to be.
Coming back here was a challenge. I don't know how to de-isolate myself. Sometimes I don't WANT to de-isolate myself. Going back to school was a challenge. I still feel like a failure when I walk into the classroom. I'm frustrated - I'm scared that this isn't the right path I'm supposed to take.
I'm scared for my family - the economy is really hitting us hard.
The anxiety came back this morning. I had to sit in my car, breathe deeply, and focus on taking things one step at a time. Luckily, my horoscope told me to take things slow...not at a walk, but at a crawl. Thinking like that helped calm my nerves.
Even though my life may not be organized, my room is (for once), and that's kind of relaxing to come home to. I'm focusing on my music...I'm going to start meditating again...I need to find that ability to calm myself. I know it's in me - I just need to uncover it again.
This quote means a lot to me right now:
"Sometimes the things that may or may not be true are the things a man needs to believe in the most. That people are basically good; that honor, courage, and virtue mean everything; that power and money, money and power mean nothing; that good always triumphs over evil; and I want you to remember this, that love... true love never dies. You remember that, boy. You remember that. Doesn't matter if it's true or not. You see, a man should believe in those things, because those are the things worth believing in.
If I'm living in a world in which those things aren't true...well, sometimes we have to believe in stuff like that - the alternative is too ugly.
"Let us live for the beauty of our own reality!!!"
16 Days, 3 Concerts.
P.S. I have a confession: I'm feeling very protective of my friends at the moment.
I originally thought that break would be good for me - relaxing and refreshing.
I was blown away when it somehow ended up being more difficult. It wasn't that spending time with family and friends was bad...because it wasn't. But I finally realized how distanced I am from my previous life at home, especially because I lived at school this summer. I haven't REALLY been home in over a year.
Seeing the high school kids - I felt SO OLD. I got lost driving through my own town (sheesh)...I felt farther than ever from the kid I used to be.
Coming back here was a challenge. I don't know how to de-isolate myself. Sometimes I don't WANT to de-isolate myself. Going back to school was a challenge. I still feel like a failure when I walk into the classroom. I'm frustrated - I'm scared that this isn't the right path I'm supposed to take.
I'm scared for my family - the economy is really hitting us hard.
The anxiety came back this morning. I had to sit in my car, breathe deeply, and focus on taking things one step at a time. Luckily, my horoscope told me to take things slow...not at a walk, but at a crawl. Thinking like that helped calm my nerves.
Even though my life may not be organized, my room is (for once), and that's kind of relaxing to come home to. I'm focusing on my music...I'm going to start meditating again...I need to find that ability to calm myself. I know it's in me - I just need to uncover it again.
This quote means a lot to me right now:
"Sometimes the things that may or may not be true are the things a man needs to believe in the most. That people are basically good; that honor, courage, and virtue mean everything; that power and money, money and power mean nothing; that good always triumphs over evil; and I want you to remember this, that love... true love never dies. You remember that, boy. You remember that. Doesn't matter if it's true or not. You see, a man should believe in those things, because those are the things worth believing in.
If I'm living in a world in which those things aren't true...well, sometimes we have to believe in stuff like that - the alternative is too ugly.
"Let us live for the beauty of our own reality!!!"
16 Days, 3 Concerts.
P.S. I have a confession: I'm feeling very protective of my friends at the moment.
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